my diary

December 20 2021

so my mom is letting me go on runs every night with Samantha! Tristan also came back on the 15th instead of a little later. I couldn't get a seat a breakfast, since everyone wanted to sit by them since they thought they were cool for getting suspended. Samantha didn't run with me that night. I didn't hear from her at all. the next day she didn't come to school. I heard Tristan talking about how she got in a lot of trouble. rehman was at school. I was do excited to see him, but he didn't seem excited to see me. I heard his voice, looked back, and said "rehman! what's good?!" and went to dap him up. he did some weird handshake with my hand and said "what's good" with almost no emotion. I was like "oh okay" trying to go along with the weird handshake and then walked away to my class. he probably just wants to seem cool around me, but that doesn't make me like him. anyway then I had second hour, math, with him. I was late to class trying to find him so I could tell him to sit by me, but I never found him. then I went to class and didn't see him. then, while we were doing our work, the teacher said "rehman did you do anything like this when you were gone?" and he said "no" that's when I found him. he was sitting on the other side of the room facing me, right in front of me. but we had one person in between us. then I said "rehman, do you need help?" and he was like "yeah" and I was like "sit over here" and he was like "I can't" and I said "why?" and he said "I'm too lazy" and then I asked the teacher if he could sit by me. I know she heard me, but she ignored me. later, I was having a conversation with Jacob, who is black, and he said she is racist for making him do work. I said "ms schooley, are you an ally?" and she said "what Jessie?" and I said "oh nothing. but can rehman sit over here?" and she said "when he's done with his test." then he came over when he was done. he just seemed different. like he's still funny, but not as funny. and he isn't as goofy. he doesn't like laugh anymore. which I loved his laugh so much. I would always tell Samantha about how much I missed him and his laugh. i hope I didn't embarrass him by rejecting him. I hope his feelings aren't hurt. because I am the stupidest person to be tripping over, you know? like it would be so dumb if he was hurt by ME of all people. I just miss him and I wish he would be himself again. I went on a run that night, and Samantha wasn't there again. the next day, Tristan said, "Jessie, Samantha is never coming back to school." I said "yes she is" he said "no she isn't. says who?" and I said "says me" I'm not gonna believe it yet. hopefully her parents change their minds. and since Tristan is still grounded, I can't talk to her until school starts again. even when it does, if she's not there, I have to write a note and give it to Tristan to give to her. rehman didn't show up again on Friday. I told AJ to take the bus to my house after school since he was mad at his gf and wanted to cheat. but he left when we were waiting for the bus. Devon was telling me that he felt bad for him, because his gf, autumn, is cheating on him. I said "he's cheating on her too" he said "with who?" and I was like "I dunno..." and he said "tell me" and I leaned in and said "are you dumb?" and he said "tell me" and I like pointed to myself. and he was like "omg I'm gonna tell her" and I was like Devon stop!" and said "autumn.. autumn!!" trying to taunt me. then Tristan joined in and that's when I realized Samantha probably told him so he knows too. Devon told autumn to sit by him, so she was in between us. he was like "Jessie is a fucking hoe. she said aj has been cheating on you with her." I was like "no! that's not true!" and she looked at my phone, and I was texting aj. I wanted to know why he left. I immediately shut my phone off when she looked over, but I think she saw. then I was like "autumn, you know that's not true. you know how much he likes you. blah blah blah.." and I pulled up his story and was like "look Devon they always post together and everything." and he was like "then why did you say that?" I was like "I didn't!" when we were walking to the bus, he kept calling me a hoe. so I smacked him. he said "Jessie you are so lucky you're a girl" I was like "mhm" and walked away. well I kinda ran away. I'm not gonna lie I was a but scared of him. the. aj texted me "stfu" and I said "it wasn't even like that" and he left me on opened. I didn't say anything else because he just didn't wanna talk to me or hear what happened. everything was so sad that day. I spent the night at Sophia's house though. it cheered me up quite a bit. I spent almost all of Saturday there too. hanging out with Sophia, Timmy, Hannah, and Joel. Joel always is the best at cheering me up. then Sophia spent the night Saturday night. she left around noon. I was pretty scared to be alone after everything, but it was okay. I took a shower and texted AJ. we're good now. then I went on a run and did a workout and got back in track. other than that, I did nothing yesterday. now it's Monday and I'm still doing nothing. okay that's it for now bye!!