Natasha Romanoff x Fem reader One-shots

It's happening again - NR

WARNING: This one shot mentions self harm and depressing topics! Please read with caution I don't want to be the reason anyone relapses. If anyone ever feels like this I'm always here for you all <3

Request by @xgooddaysx

Y/N's POV:

It's gone back to how it used to be. I thought I was getting better, I mean with Natasha being here it did get easier for a while. But that relief didn't last long at all. 3 months at most. Waking up feeling cold and unmotivated even in Natasha's arms.

However her being the ex-assassin she is, she noticed the emptiness in my eyes despite the smile I was putting on my face. And I noticed the concern in her tired face. "Baby, you feeling good today?" She whispered pulling a hand up and cupping my face. I leant into her hand and kissed her palm. "I'm okay Natasha, you going on that mission today?" I lied, trying to reassure her despite her worried state. Obviously I hate the idea of her leaving for a mission but I need to know she's not always worrying about me.

"I was going to but I won't if you don't want me to." She pulled my head onto her lap and continued to stroke through my hair. That was short lived though as I pulled myself away to sit up. "No, honestly I'd feel better if you went on that mission." I lied. I can't let her think I'm not well, I've just got to focus on making her proud and getting through this myself.

"If you insist my love, but if anything is wrong call me or go to someone." She cooed kissing my forehead and getting up to have a shower. Instead of getting up, I laid myself back down wrapping myself up in my blanket, falling back asleep.

God knows how much longer I slept for but I woke up to Thor smiling at me with a really goofy smile. I chuckled and kicked him off the bed before sitting up myself. "Lady Natasha said at lunch time to give you this and it is now 12:04 so I decided to give it to you." He said from the floor passing me a small piece of paper. "God Thor, 4 minutes late i'm so disappointed." I jokingly smiled, plastering a fake smile on my face. "My apologies, I'll be going now." He laughed. Before he left he leant forward and brought me in for a hug.

The note read: I'll be gone for a few days, Wednesday is when I should be back. If you need me, call me or go to someone you trust. Look after yourself baby. Love N.R <3

How is she still looking out for me even when she's not here. I smiled genuinely at her gesture before I felt this wave of loneliness wash over me so quickly. It was like that millisecond I was happy, it never existed. Tears began to brim my eyes. I slumped out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. "Y/N? It's Wanda! Your food is done!" Wanda shouted from the other side of my door. I panicked slightly before shouting back, "Just leave it outside!"

I locked the door quickly and rolled up my sleeve. 'Am I really about to do this?' I thought. The image of Natasha's angry face clouded my mind. 'What if she gets upset at me?' The tears continued to mindlessly flow down my cheeks as I grabbed the razor blade I had hidden from everyone.

The first cut was almost like a relief. All that pain I had picked up and dealt with went away with one swift swipe of a blade across my forearm, replacing the grey scars on my arm. Cut after cut there was a relief with every one.

By the time I had finished I was sat on the bathroom floor, my arms both littered with cuts, even a few on my thighs. It felt so relieving, like a really big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Then Natasha flashed into my mind again, disappointment in her eyes because I didn't keep to my promise. I got up and quickly turned on the shower, the sting of the hot water on the fresh cuts making me wince. Then almost sociopathically I laughed loudly at the pain. That laugh then quickly turned into sobs of disappointment in myself.

The shower was over and done with and I bandaged up any cuts, even though I already know there were going to be more to add to my collection. I walked back into the bedroom and saw the food Wanda had made on the bedside table. I picked up the fork and fiddled with it a bit before slipping back into bed. All I wanted to do was sleep, be alone and not be disturbed. So that's what I did. Rolling onto my side, I hugged a pillow to remind me of hugging Natasha and fell into a deep slumber.

The next few days went on the same. I would only get up to cut myself in the bathroom and Wanda now left food outside the door for me rather than bringing it in. This is how my life hasn't been for 3 months and I feel so guilty. I didn't even know what day it was let alone when I was going to stop.

Like every other morning I stood up and out of bed, walking over to the bathroom. I didn't even bother to lock the door because I knew the bedroom door was locked. I grabbed a new razor and cut my arm stomach now, trying to find some pain like I did the first time I did it but it was just numb. Why wasn't I feeling the pain? I dragged the razor a couple more times. Before a hand grabbed onto mine, stopping the razor and making it drop to the floor. My eyes widened like a deer in headlights. I knew them hands from anywhere.

I turned around slowly, looking down not daring to look up. The hand came up and lifted my chin up to meet the green eyes looking at me with nothing but love. "I'm here love." Natasha whispered gently before kissing me softly. "Lets get these cleaned up yeah?" She asked and I nodded my head.

She helped it me down onto the bathroom counter as she began to run a bath for me. "I'm sorry." I whispered. The sound of my voice made her head perk up and she engulfed me in a hug instantly, being gentle on the wounds. "You have no reason to apologise. Now do you think you can get out of them clothes for me?" I nodded and jumped off the side to undress myself. Nat turned around and almost gasped at how bad it had gotten over the past few days. She held my hand as she helped me into the tub.

I laid back and sighed contently at the water. Nat kept a hold of my hand the entire time. "I knew something was wrong, I should've stayed." She spoke to me, caressing my hand with her thumb. "It's not your fault." I said sending her a soft smile. "It's not yours either. I hope you understand that this time, I'm not letting you deal with this alone. No missions nothing. You need anything baby, I'll be here. You can run up to me and hug me spontaneously if you want and you know how I feel about PDA all the time." She chuckled before continuing, "The only way you win this fight is by not being alone. So if you'll let me, I want to help you."

"Of course, Nat. I love you." I whispered, pulling her forward and kissing her. "I love you too" She whispered back. Whilst we were kissing, I got a jug and poured water all over her head. "сука (bitch)" She exclaimed splashing my face with water causing me to giggle. "And you're lucky I love you." She laughed grabbing a towel and drying her hair.

"I really do love you Natalia." I said with a sad smile. "And I love you."