I'm sorry to I love you | COMPLETED

#65: If only.

Chapter Sixty-Four: "If only."

"Jungkook, you need to eat." Jin said entering the room. "I know everything sucks right now but it's bound to get better and you need to be there to see it."

"I don't think anything is going to get better hyung. When she walked away from me, she took my heart away with her. It might sound like I'm a hopeless romantic but I lost myself when she left." Jungkook answered, the wound in his heart still fresh.

He had tried to talk to her by going to the Blackpink house but he couldn't. He tried to reach out to her during therapy but she shook her head and left. She completely shut him out, not leaving a single door for him to come in through.

"Please Jungkook. Have some faith." Jin pleaded.

"I'm going to go for a walk hyung." Jungkook said and walked out of the dorm. He strolled the Han river, airpods in his ears as his sad playlist played. It had never been handy enough till then. The song Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi played and suddenly, the song made so much sense. Maybe because he had never experienced loss, the song didn't connect with him before but at the moment, it couldn't resonate with him more.

The lyrics applied to the situation perfectly, providing some sort of external empathy for him. However, that provided another worry. The persona in the song had lost the person once and for all. What if he does too?

He replayed her words in his head.

We can't be together anymore.
Yes we can.

You deserve happiness in your life, but I can't give you that.
You don't have to because you are my happiness.

I'm sorry Jungkook.
It's not your fault.

I don't deserve you.
Yes, you do.

Forget me.
I can't.

He mentally cursed himself. Why didn't he tell her that then itself? Maybe he could have convinced her to not let him go. What was the use now? She was gone.

And she won't be coming back.

-

"Jungkook!" Namjoon called. "It's time for practice! Let's go!"

"Coming hyung!" He called back and stuffed the photo frame which showed the picture of him and Rosé taken on his birthday, under his bed and rushed out of the room.

It had been roughly four months ever since the incident of Rosé. The agency had announced a break of Rosé for a while, owing to her mental health. The men behind her assault had been put behind bars and punished, much to their relief. After two months, Rosé was back on camera, appearing in the new comeback of the group. She seemed visibly better and smiled more. She had returned to her cheerful self, only sometimes she zoned out. The previous twinkle in her eyes gone. Her appetite was still not good but she ate three times a day which was already good progress. Though it broke his heart every time he saw her on screen or during music shows, he was relieved she was better. She looked healthier and happier and that was all that mattered.

Jungkook, though feeling a little better, could not move on like she asked him to. He loved her too much to just let it all go. And he still did. The single mention of her will make him perk up, a single glimpse of her will make his heart skip a beat and a single second of hearing her voice pushed him out of his misery even if it was just for a moment. He still wore the bracelet she had designed for him for their anniversary. He still drove the car she had gotten him for his birthday. He kept all their pictures, her belongings she had left in his room and the littlest things that brought back the memories they had created together.

She was still his everything.

"What were you doing?" Namjoon asked. "You lost track of time."

"Oh um, talking to Yugyeom." He answered.

"About her?" Namjoon raised an eyebrow. Rosé was not that sociable anymore. Apart from her bandmates, the only people she had real conversations with were Yugyeom and BamBam. So Jungkook normally called up Yugyeom to get updates of her health.

"Yeah, I think she's doing better." He added, a mix of happiness and sadness evident in his voice.

"I know you've given up hope," Namjoon placed a hand on his back. "But I haven't. She will come back. To us, her brothers and to you, her one and only true love."

"I don't think so." Jungkook looked up at him. "She doesn't spare me a glance anymore. She doesn't even talk to Yoongi hyung and Jimin hyung. You know how close she is to them as well."

"Chae is a closed woman Jungkook. And after all this, she had learnt to guard her emotions even better. Just because she doesn't show it, doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore." Namjoon said firmly. He then smiled a little. "If she can resist talking to you, the most loved person in her life, I think she can go without talking to Yoongi hyung and Jimin for a while as well."

Jungkook smiled at him. "Thanks hyung. You always know what to say."

Namjoon smiled back. "Let's go."

-

"Chae?" Jennie called when the front door opened.

"Yea it's me unnie," she answered, locking the door behind her.

"Good you're just in time for dinner." Jennie said, setting the table. "Go and wash up. Then get Lisa and Jisoo unnie, will you?"

"Sure." Rosé chirped and shouted the girls' names and told them to eat before entering her room.

The moment she did, the picture on her dresser caught her attention. It was the picture she had taken with Jungkook on the day of Lisa's birthday. He was in mid-laugh while she was looking at him, laughing as well. She smiled fondly at it before turning to change up. Her room was filled with pictures of him everywhere. She let him go so that he would be able to get a girl who truly deserved him, not someone who was impure like herself. But she could not bear to get rid of his presence in her space. It was the only thing keeping her sane.

The days where he came to her house, called her and texted her, it killed her to ignore him. She looked normal on the outside but her heart was crumbling inside. Her tears were unstoppable when she got into the privacy of being alone. She missed him. She wanted to go back into the safety of his arms, feel the love from his kiss and the security of his words. It was all her fault that she didn't have that anymore but it was too late to fix everything. She didn't deserve him. She didn't.

If only she had not stayed out that night. If only she had not left without bodyguards. If only she had not let them touch her. Maybe it would have all been different.

Maybe, they would still be together...