'where we are now' remus lupin & regulus black

will do.

"Is it wrong? To think my love could really help you out? It's simply just my stubborn heart, no doubt, ramping away."
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REMUS LUPIN

There were nights I lay in my bed listening to the sound of fighting. My mother would shout, my father would begin laying into her and the screaming would start. She cried, he seethed, and I pushed my face into the long toy snake my five year old body was wrapped around. I would think to myself how when mother left I would leave with her, flee the anger. Then one day she got sick...and we stayed...and every night I remained right where I was with just a toy to comfort me.

Now I find myself wondering, if she did ever leave, if she could ever leave, would she come back?

Sure, things with my parents are all patched up now, and with me being older i'm positive the strain of having a werewolf son hardly burdens their day to day life anymore. That's the way it absolutely had to be, though.

If my mother could have left would she have brought me?

If she didn't, if my mother had left me alone with my father, would I be a different man than I am today? Would it be better that way?

If Cordelia does not come back to me I will be a different man, I don't think it will be better that way.

The weird and novel weavings of life and love, especially when they were a mismatch of glorious nonsense, are the very seeds that planted Cordelia back into my life this past year. This is how I understood and discovered entirely new pathways. For example, after realizing Cordelia was a werewolf, all eleven years of pent up self-loathing were drained from my body. Because if she is the gentlest creature i've ever known, then surely, by logic, I must be too, right?

Wrong.

I have a terrible habit of leaving places in more of a state of mess than I found them in.

There were a few days, after the break up, where I was angry at Delia, for showing up only to disappear far away, but now I have found my peace with it. For in these days of missing her, I cannot entertain the thought of another. In this I have become as close to independent a soul like mine can be and has ever been. For this, though it is a challenge, I have nothing but gratitude.

I've been trying to repay her. Only in the most invisible of ways, though. That way whatever microscopic ounce of joy I can bring into her life won't be flushed away by being attached to me. I really hope she chooses to work with Pomfrey.

It will make it much, much easier to carry out the plan.

I spark a cigarette just as i'm about to go over the details in my head, and the wind chimes sound. The cloud blocking the sunlight has now drifted away, causing the light to blind me a bit. I hear the quick footsteps advancing towards me, so I stand up from the small metal table instantly, allowing me to see a very angry Cordelia. I fight back my smile and let the cigarette drop.

Everything interesting always happens at the greenhouse.

"Hey Del-" I start, looking down at her. She cuts me off with a swift smack.

She stands about a foot away, chest heaving, fist clenched.

I stand shocked and admittedly astonished. Seconds pass, my brain taking her in, my cheek starting to sting. Cordelia wears a face that expects anger back from me, anger that just doesn't exist. In truth, I want to do nothing but hug her. I like that she's standing up for herself, she just needs to be confident in it too. Until she does, she'll never let me help her heal. So I take the emotions that swirl around inside me and put a stopper in them, not to bottle them up forever but instead to keep the love safe until she can accept it like a birth-right.

Tears roll down her face, I don't reach to wipe them, fearing she might tear my whole arm off.

Please, don't cry.

Please, don't cry.

Please, don't cry.

"Y-you fucking—" Cordelia starts smacking my chest. "You asshole! You ruined my entire life!" she heaves. I stand there, unmoving. Enduring the wrath of her dainty fists and hands. Anger, her sadness in defense mode. "You leave me again-" she smacks my shoulder, "-and—" bangs her fist against my chest, "-again! You're a vile person, the things you've done to me! Y-you are terrible, horrible, deplorable!"

Cordelia is really crying now. My face twist from seeing this torture. "I know." I say. Sorry isn't going to do anyone any good right now.

"You turned me into a beast! And I suffer every month because of it!" She knees me in the shin as she wipes her runny nose on the sleeve of her robe. "You cheated on me and I can't breathe because of it! Every day I hope you feel what I felt. And every night I pray a hundred times over you experience even half of the pain you cause!"

I snap inside, snap like brittle glass and feel the shards tearing at my guts. I can't speak, the blood leaves my face and I grip at her uniform. She stops. Watching me break right before her eyes...

You deserve this.

You deserve this.

You deserve—

Her hands fall to her sides and she stops, defeated. "I hate you so much, Remus John Lupin. No one has ever hated anyone as much as I hate you. I've hated you for so long—" She says resting her head on my chest. "—but i've loved you for so much longer." Cordelia backs up, trembling from crying, eyes cast to the cement ground. My brain can't formulate a thought, at least not one based in any language, and if I don't touch her soon my atoms will tear themselves apart.

When my hand touches her face, she keeps her gaze away, unwilling to stare down her destroyer. With my fingers on her chin I lift her head so she can see that there's no more destruction in my eyes, only preservation. Her face buckles and more tears roll unchecked, washing a path to her chin. I wipe them for her.

She hugs me, I hold her in an embrace I never want to end. One that tells her everything is going to be alright. That tells her I lost her once. Tells her I won't lose her again. One of her hands clasps around my lower back, the other strokes my hair. With each soft touch more tears fall, tears neither of us wipe away.

After so long without her I think I'll just die if she leaves now. I need her, I hope she needs me. When I try to speak my voice falters into unintelligible croaks, I want to tell her I love her but I don't think she'll believe me and I'm afraid it will sound hollow. Maybe she's still disappointed in me, maybe I should wait.

There comes times in living that transform us, and all we can do is chose how we are changed. Do you rise up to this hopeful spirit?

I've risen up to it, I am changing. Yes, the pain comes ready or not, the grief is absoloute; but my old self is burned clear away and my new self is stepping from the ashes.

A more selfless self.

I know this because I don't tell her I love her.

"I want you." I say instead.

Cordelia hugs me a few seconds longer before pulling back to look at me. She places her hands on both of my cheek, using the pad of her thumbs to wipe my tears. When she touches me I feel whole, my missing puzzle pieces appear. "Then act like it."

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song: no other heart by mac demarco
this is a continuation of the last chapter

how we feeling about this?