'where we are now' remus lupin & regulus black

Quiet, the winter harbor

"You've got the same smile you had before. It's just laying, what I adore. Save me, 'cause I'm still sinking and we've got a harbor close to shore."
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The midday sun reflects off the white snow, it's bright and it's blinding. The air is so cold every large, inhaling breath stings a bit.

I swallow hard, squinting my eyes a bit to try and see better in front of me. Bloody fuck why is it so sunny? I thought funerals were always supposed to be dark and gloomy.

The Priest declares what a tragic loss this is. How heaven gained another angel, how God picked another flower, how Rosalie Evans will be dearly missed. She is now the dearly departed.

As I look around at the seven or so people that surround my mothers grave, I'm met with dry eyes and indifferent faces.

Is this man aware that he's not even telling a good lie?

Lily, along with Petunia and their parents stand across from me. All of them have their eyes cast on the freshly dug hole that the black casket lies in. James is standing next to Lily, his arm delicately wrapped around her waist, concern in the lines of his forehead.

One of my mothers friends—who I do not know the name of—picks the petals off of yellow roses and tosses them on the casket.

Remus stands besides me, a safe three inches to my left. Instead of examining at his face I decide to look at his feet. They're pointed towards me.

The Priest clears his throat and it's now that I realize he's asked me a question. "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention," I mutter not exactly meeting his surprised gaze.

He clears his throat, "Quite alright," —although his tone says otherwise— "I said, would you like to say a few words, considering you're her daughter..."

My face contorts in an odd way at the idea.

The others look at each other, unsure.

"Yeah, sure," I decide. Now I look at Remus, who's already looking at me. He smiles gently, reassuringly. "My mother was a...an uhh...an enigmatic woman. No one was ever able to decipher what went through her mind, the only person that was ever able to even get close was my father. She fought her battles silently and when she suffered she did it in the same way. Er- I honestly believe she did the best she was capable of at raising me, and by some miracle it was enough. There are so many things I wish I could ask her...but I guess that's a moot point now. Yeah, um, rest in peace mum."

James begins to clap, but stops when he realizes Lily is shaking her head.

Remus reaches for my hand and gently squeezes it as a silent 'good job'. I don't force him to let go. Instead, I let him hold it. I am so tired of letting go.

I am so tired and I want to go home.

My mother was never much comfort, but I wish that I could crawl into that casket with her so she can hold me forever.

☽☽☽

"You all really didn't have to come back here with me," I half thank and half discourage. Lily, James and Remus insisted on coming back to my mothers—well, I guess now my— house with me to sort through her belongings.