'where we are now' remus lupin & regulus black

Apocalypse

"Come out and haunt me, I know you want me,"
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REGULUS BLACK

"Well what did you think was going to happen?" Maxwell half chuckles half sighs. He looks at the letter my mother sent one last time, biting his lip in contemplation before he tosses it into the fire.

I want to come up with some witty remark, tell him to shove it, but I can't.

The question is more than valid.

What did I think was going to happen?

The war would magically cease to exist and Cordelia and I could be together? Or that we would run away together somewhere, maybe the muggle world, get new names and live in boring simplicity? Did I think she would forget all about that monster that ruined her life and give herself completely to the idea of loving a monster that saved it?

Maybe.

Maybe some part of me is a hopeless romantic who only ever dreams of loving and being loved by Cordelia.

"I don't know," I say instead.

Idiotic, stupid, thoughtless...

in love.

Call it what you want, call it what you may, all I know is that it might have cost me my life.

All I know is that I don't know if I care.

I can see the frown on Alice's face even from across the common room. "What will you do Reg?"

"What kind of question is that Alice?" I snap. "I can't run or hide. I must go home and face the consequences of my actions,"

"And the girl? What of her?" Maxwell asks.

I slouch into the couch and look at the ceiling in agony.

There's a sickening familiarity, when the wrong person knows you too well and you know them too well; it's even sicker when they've been the wrong person since before the start; it's even sicker because I knew it.

I'm not sure when I came to the conclusion that I love Cordelia. I just did. Somewhere in between our not-so-secret meet ups and the star crossed-ness of it all, I fell in love. And I'm not sure I know what it means, but for what it's worth when I hear the word I think of her.

In two weeks I will go home and my parents will ask me if the rumours are true; though they already know.

They will force her name out of me, like a sinner making his confession and they will demand repentance.

Retribution.

They will ensure she will never speak of what has transpired between us. One way or the other.

How do I warn her of this? How do I tell her this really is the end of us? Of the little world we created?

'Hello, beautiful, welcome to the apocalypse...'

I don't want to tell her.

I want to be physically erased and start over again. I don't want to be here. I don't want to go there. I guess I want to be nowhere, I want to hear my brain talk inside of nothingness. I want to be untouchable and have no need.

These things are impossible however, like everything else that I yearn for.

☽☽☽

"My parents have heard news of us," I rip the bandage off quick. The moment Cordelia takes a seat beside me on this cold bench.

I watch as the words seep in. As the gears in her head turn and for second she makes a face of disbelief; like she doesn't know how that's possible. I watch her think and think and think.

She stays silent for a long time, eyes gazing beyond the railing of the tower. This is the first time I have seen Cordelia in two weeks. I devour her face with my starving eyes. Her messy brown curls, her tan skin that's paled just a bit because of the winter, her freckles. Her uniform and dark  blue wool tights. Just her.

The face of disbelief vanishes almost as quickly as a flicker of a candle, stomped out by grief.

A tear rolls down her cheek.

Please, don't make this any harder.

Please don't cry.

"I am so sorry." She sniffles, wiping her eyes fast. "How Regulus?"

"That does not matter," I sigh in disappointment because I know she knows that.

Cordelia places her warm hand atop of mine but I pull away. Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very evidence that you're being ruined.

Now she sighs.

"I'm guessing this is not something we are going to get through together then?" It's less of a question than it is her just confirming another thing she knows.

"No, it is not." I work hard to keep my face stoic, I can chalk up the lip trembles to the freezing temperature. I do not look at her. "Our time has passed. We were not built to last."

This is me trying my best to get this over with. This is me trying my best to avoid any confusion. This is my trying to tell her we do not exist outside of right now.

She makes an odd sound, sort of a choke sort of a sob but somehow it's quiet.

Please do not argue.

Please do not argue.

Please do not argue.

"So it ends here? We'll go our separate ways and that's it."

"Correct. It ends here. You should be careful. My parents plan to ask me about us when I return home from break, and they will be more angry with you than me."

Cordelia grips my cheeks with her hand. I can't bring myself to force her away."I have a thousand things I want to say to you. But none of these things are what you need to hear or will do us any good. Despite that, I will say that I am here and I care. That is all. And if your family kills me for what we've done I will be dead, but I will care." Her eyes are full of tears and she's so beautiful.

A soft, grief-stricken smiles grazes my lips. "I know when I think of you it will feel like hurt and nostalgia...it already does,"

She drops her hand from my face and stands. I look up at Cordelia and know exactly how Gatsby feels; angry, in love with her and inexplicably sorry, that I have to turn away.

"Thank you and goodbye," her tone is soft and sad, she will not meet my eyes now.

"Goodbye, my sunshine."

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Song: Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex