The Meeting

Spare Time

Healing was an experience that I found rather difficult if I am being completely honest. You know that feeling when you're stuck in a traffic jam and you know you're moving along because you can see your surroundings shifting but you feel like you've been stuck in the same place for years? Well that's the best way I can describe what the last year has been like. My mind knew that I was moving on from Leah because I no longer cried every night, I stopped stalking her instagram and I no longer looked for her in the crowd but I didn't feel like I had actually moved anywhere.

I had finished my tour, released another album and performed at a few festivals, Gavin cleared my schedule and told me to take some time off to reset and relax. I wasn't really sure how to do that anymore. For so long my life had been like Groundhog Day, performing day after day and always moving from place to place. Gavin was adamant that I needed to 'heal' and if I'm being completely honest, he was probably right.

As I returned to Belfast, I was greeted with my Dad's smiling face. I smelt the smell of my mum's favourite candles, Dad still bought them every week. I lay on the sofa catching up with Dad, we talked about booking a holiday and planned little trips throughout my stay at home. I think Dad was glad to have me back, he kept saying over and over again how much more lively the house was with me being back, even though I hadn't moved from the corner of the sofa.

Over the next few days I met up with Ellie and Lydia, Lydia was now in a fully fledged relationship with Gavin and Ellie had secured a job with a marketing company in Tokyo but as usual, both girls made the effort to make sure they were here for me returning home. Dad and I headed to visit my other family members and spent the day at a theme park. I spent a lot of time writing, even though Gavin had told me to take some time off, I found time off overly highlighted that life could be quite lonely at times. Lonely with Leah. Yeah, I guess Gavin is right, I do have some healing to do.

The Lionesses had qualified for the World Cup and despite my ex being the captain, I watched every single game. It felt weird watching Leah lead the team out without knowing I hadn't wished her good luck. She looked a lot more serious now, her face frowning as she sang the National Anthem, leaving the pitch almost straight after their wins. I was worried about her but I knew not to message her whilst they were in the middle of their quest to lift the trophy. I didn't want to distract her or take away from her training quality that she so desperately worked hard to keep. Leah had kept quite a low profile, our break up was quite dramatically played out over social media by our fans. Every few weeks they would zoom in on videos of me greeting fans and claim I was in a relationship. One Sunday, I woke up to rumours that I was dating the lead singer of the band that were my support act. None of it was true but my media advisors said it was best not to comment, denying it only makes you look like there's something to hide apparently. I found this odd. I wanted to reply to them and tell them it was ridiculous but I wasn't allowed. The only thing we ever denied was a story that was published in a tabloid. It claimed 'Alex Ryan has four hour hotel romp with events manager Gabriella Reuzo: The troubled singer is said to have gone off the rails after break up with England captain." A statement was written for me which I had to post on my socials to deny this story, mainly due to the fact that Gabriella was about to announce that she was engaged.

I wish to deny the allegations made this morning in a few tabloids that I spent the night with an events manager here in Barcelona. This claim is simply not true. Myself and Gabriella have been friends since I first visited Spain for work and will continue to be platonic. I will not be making further comments on this matter.

It was a strong statement, short but to the point. I did notice at the time that Leah had liked the post, and a few of her teammates. I imagined that it was posted into some kind of WhatsApp group as I knew that Leah would have seen the article before I had denied it. Gavin struggled to see why I still worried about what she thought of me, I guess I did too. We weren't together but I worried that she would think she was right, right to cheat on me in fear of me turning into a musician that does things like that.