The Meeting

I Choose You

The next morning I woke up knowing that the day ahead would be difficult. I knew I had to put pen to paper and write both letters. I began with the one that would see me give my heart to Leah.

To my Leah,

This has been the hardest letter I have ever had to pen, for more reasons that one. No matter what I write, someone gets hurt and I have never imagined myself to be in a situation like this before.

I asked you for closure, closure from our relationship that has held my heart from the moment it began. I'm not sure that it was closure I really desired. It was reason. I think deep down, I always wanted a reason. A reason for what happened, a reason to forgive you, a reason to still love you but most importantly, a reason to try again.

The beginning was perfect wasn't it? I still remember how much I hated that poor waitress who stopped us from sharing our first kiss that night, I often thought about going back there and giving her a peace of my mind. Do you remember the big fish? I can't pass that now without thinking of your infectious laughter when I told you that it was genuinely called the big fish.

I want you to know that every butterfly that you felt in your stomach that night was mirrored in mine. You made me nervous but in all the right ways.

Before you Le, I functioned day to day because I knew it was what my mum would've wanted. I had to stay strong for my Dad, he would've crumbled if I didn't. I walked around with a heavy heart and I didn't want to open it, not for anyone. I believed that love was something that felt great at the time but when it was taken from you, it hurt so much that I never wanted to feel that again. That was, until I met you. You made a broken heart seem like a small price to pay for love and although I have suffered a lot in the aftermath of our separation, I would never have changed it for the world.

I'm not sure that I ever told you that I saw you that night in Manchester, long before we bumped into each other at the toilets. I recognised you from the back as I took a photo with a fan. As angry as I was from the lack of communication from you, my heart still skipped a beat when I set eyes on you.

Our first kiss will forever be sculpted into my heart. Our lips fit together so perfectly, almost like they were made to connect. I didn't want to leave you that night but I knew that I couldn't abandon my friends. I was devastated when you asked me to go for a late night drink/coffee and I was already changed for bed. I thought in that moment that I had missed our moment but I realise that life works out how it's meant to and I was meant to be in your arms that night, not in a coffee shop with you.

Ellie, Lydia and Gavin all spoke on the bus to Liverpool about how you slotted in with us so perfectly. They all expected you to be a little bit entitled due to your status but they were shocked by how relatable you were. They told me on the bus that day that I was going to fall in love with you, they've always known me better than anyone else. 

When you showed up in Liverpool before I went on stage, I thought my head was going to explode but in the best possible way. I still remember singing the song lyrics directly to you in the crowd. Song lyrics that you had no idea I had written about you. Having you in the crowd made me feel at ease. I always thought that having someone you felt that way about watching you do the thing you loved would make it harder but with you, it made everything seem less scary.

I understand why you reacted how you did about Gemma, I understand that you thought that we might be better suited. I understand that you felt that you weren't enough. I just hope that by telling you that I loved you, even if it wasn't how I had planned for it to come out, you realised that no matter who walked into a room, my heart was always with you.

I wish you knew how many times I have replayed the fireworks over and over again in my head. If I think about that night, about you saying those three words into my ear for the first time, I get goosebumps even now. The fact that you left your comfort zone to ensure I was in mine, the thought behind wanting me to feel like my mum was present and the fact that you took a risk in front of my whole family is probably the most courageous act that I have ever witnessed someone carry out for love.

The next part is the part I am going to find hardest to write. At first, I found it hard to understand why you wouldn't tell me something like that but now I think I get it. When I was just starting out with my live shows, I played to a crowd of around 50 in a local pub. I came home with a smile on my face, telling my mum that it was amazing when the truth was I had been booed off stage after just two songs. If I had spoken to my mum about it, I might not have purposely forgot my guitar for my next gig, meaning I didn't have to perform, but I would've had to let her know that I had been weak enough to let those people impact what I thought of myself. I would've had to let her know that the person she thought was the strongest of all was actually the weakest. I know she wouldn't have actually thought that now, but at the time I was so afraid of letting her down or having the other mums tell her that she had made the wrong choice to support me in my decision that I thought the best thing to do was to withhold it from her. Now that she's not here anymore, I would give anything to tell her.

Those people that were attacking you on social media do not deserve a place on society. They are bullies and they are cruel and they have made you make some questionable decisions. I guess the thing I am most proud of you for right now is that you managed to continue playing football throughout all of this and if Harriet played a part in helping you to maintain your passion for the game then I am glad that you had her, even if it hurt.

If I had known that you were going through that of course I would have come home but that's what you do for the people you love. Just like you came to Belfast for me last week. I would've come home for you. I would travel to the middle of the ocean if you needed me. Always.

My reputation meant nothing to me when I didn't have you Le. I would've given it all up in a heartbeat just to hold you one last time. Some day you might've been the 'most successful England captain with the dried up ex singer girlfriend who forgot her lyrics on stage'. That's what love is about, it's about fighting those battles together, facing them head on and working towards an end goal that both people share.

I asked my Dad last night how I would know who the one was, I'm not ashamed or afraid to tell you that I have struggled with the decision between you and Grace. He told me that I had to think of something. He told me to imagine that tomorrow I was meeting my mum one final time and I was only allowed to bring one person with me. That one person was someone I wanted her to approve of. Someone that my mum could know I was safe with, that wouldn't hurt me. Someone that I could trust, that makes me feel like I'm the only person in a room, someone that makes me feel stronger than ever before. He said it had to be someone that I could look my mum in the eye and tell her I would love forever, knowing that they could say the same. He told me to think about it and when I knew the answer, I would know who the one was.

That answer Leah, was always going to be you. You are always going to be the person that I would take to meet my mum if I was lucky enough to see her once more.

My heart is yours Leah, if you still want it.

Love always,
Your Alex