The Meeting

Love you from afar.

I woke up the next morning and knew that I needed to decide what to do about Leah. I never truly wanted to give up on Leah, I knew that much but I had to be sure that it was the right decision for both of us. I was about to embark on another tour, the same tour that had driven a wedge between us before.

I closed my eyes and lay on my bed, imagining a world without Leah. Although she had not been active in my life recently she was still there. I didn't really know what life without Leah was like. I thought of the possibility that I needed to be on my own for a while. Do the tour and then if Leah was still there when I came back, I would know that it was what life had planned for us.

I thought of being friends with Leah. That way we could still be a part of each other's lives without having to worry that either of us would end up hurting again. That seemed like the safest option, the option that could work in both of our favours. Then I remembered the urge I had to hold her as she lay on my bed that day. The only thing that stopped me was not wanting to disrespect Grace, but she wasn't a part of this anymore. I knew that friendship wouldn't work because I knew that I was unable to be around Leah and not want to show her some kind of affection.

I sat up on my bed, lifted both letters out of my bedside drawer and read them both. Even if I sent Leah the second letter, nothing had really changed from it. I didn't know what the future held for Grace and I but rather than this being as a collective, it was now separately. I didn't know what Grace would go on to do, in the same way I didn't know right now what I wanted to do.

I had to do something. Leah had been waiting for days on a response and I didn't want her to think that I had received my closure and that meant I would never contact her again. I stood up, knowing that I had to do this. No matter how much it hurt. I had to do this for my sake and for Leah's. It was the only way. I looked at her teddy, sitting on my bed. I wondered how many times she had cried into it over me. I wasn't sure whether to send it back with the letter, I liked having it and I didn't want her to think that it was a silly idea to send it or that I hadn't appreciated it. I worried though, if I had her teddy, what would she use to comfort her now if this letter upset her?

I headed to the post office, without the teddy. I stood in the queue for what felt like forever, my hands trembling at the thought of what I was about to do. I sent the letter recorded delivery and got back into my car. My eyes watering as I drove back to my Dad's, I knew the magnitude of the decision I had just made. It was a waiting game now.

I decided to text Ellie, I needed to tell her about Grace and I.

A - Hey Els

E - Alex! How are you? I miss you!

A - I'm okay. I miss you more.

E - What's wrong?

A - Grace and I broke up. I'm sorry

E - Why are you apologising?

A - I feel like I've let you down.

E - Did you try?

A - So hard.

E - That's all that matters. Some things aren't meant to be.

A - Thanks Els. I love you.

E - I love you too.

I thought it would go worse with Ellie to be honest. Ellie didn't hate Leah, she actually really loved her. She just hated what she had done on me, which was understandable considering it was Ellie I called the night Harriet had text Leah. I needed to tell Ellie the whole story but it wasn't my story to tell.

I headed to the studio, hoping that some songwriting would take me out of this headspace. I knew if I could put my feelings right now to paper, I could turn them into something positive rather than the negativity that lingered over me right now.