The Meeting

For Better or Worse. Right?

Leah and I attended a few more appointments before we were ready to start our treatment. We agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone except for Leah's mum as I wanted to make sure Leah had someone to talk to if I was away. I had a busy summer of festivals, most I could travel home from the same day but some would require me to stay overnight.

Leah and I were excited to tell Amanda of our plans, she had talked a lot about the possibility of a baby coming soon but we had played it down previously, not wanting to commit to something before we had discussed it with the doctor at our appointment. Leah told her mum everything, I knew there was no point trying to hide it, despite my reasoning for worrying, because I knew that Leah would let slip. I loved that about her, I loved her close relationship with her mum because that's all I'd ever wanted since my own mum had passed away.

Amanda had definitely become like my very own mum, she looked after me in ways that she knew no one apart from my mum could and I felt safe around her. I often, like today, forgot that she was loyal to Leah. She would protect Leah at all costs, even if that meant upsetting me. I can't blame her though, she's Leah's mum. I just wish mine was still around to fight my battles alongside me too.

We waited for Amanda to arrive at the house, Leah was sat scrolling through her phone as I watched the videos over her shoulder. We heard Amanda's car pull up and Leah turned to peck me before getting up to greet her mum. After some small talk, we glanced at each other across the room and nodded, signalling that it was time.

"Mum, we have something to tell you." Leah said, gesturing for me to sit beside her at the table.
"Is everything okay? Are you both healthy?" Amanda said, sounding worried.
"We're both fine, Amanda. It's good news." I smiled at her and she returned the smile, happy that I had settled her mind before it began to overthink.
"Alex and I have been to see a doctor recently, well for a while now. We have decided it's time to start a family." Leah said, taking my hand.

Amanda's smile grew quicker than anything I had ever witnessed. She let out a scream and pushed her chair back, reaching over the table to hug us both. Asking us which clinic we had attended, what the next steps were and if we were hoping for a boy or girl.

"Oh Alex, you're going to look so beautiful when you're blooming." Amanda said, implying I would be the one carrying.
"Actually Mum, it'll be me." Leah smiled.
"You can't carry the baby, LeLe! You're a footballer. You would be out too long!" Amanda said, laughing. It wasn't a nasty laugh, it was a laugh of genuine astonishment at Leah's words.
"I know. We have spoken about it and decided that this is what we want. It's what I want. Alex was -" Leah began before Amanda cut in.
"Alex, can you give us a minute please." Amanda said, looking stern.
"Why? This involves both of us?" I said, slightly irritated.
"Al, don't be defensive. Give us a minute and I'll come get you. Mum's clearly in shock." Leah said.
"Shouldn't I be here?" I said, feeling excluded.
"Not right now." Leah said sternly.

I dropped Leah's hand and got up from the table. I walked upstairs to the bedroom with tears building in the back of my eyes. I can't describe what I felt. I think it was loneliness, maybe a realisation that I had created this image in my head that Leah and I were a team, that her family were my family but this moment had brought me back to the reality of Leah having her mum and me not having mine. I scrolled through my phone, finding the pictures of mum and I and could no longer hold the tears in. I could hear Amanda and Leah downstairs, I knew that they were discussing Leah's career being more physical. Amanda was asking Leah if I was forcing her into carrying the baby because I didn't want to. I knew that Amanda was just looking out for her, in the same way I had when this was first talked about, that wasn't what was upsetting me. I was upset that Leah hadn't defended my right to be there to discuss my child, my family.

After almost half an hour I heard someone coming upstairs, I presumed it would be Leah but when the door opened it was Amanda.

"Alex, I'm going now. Congratulations." She said, smiling at me as I tried to cover the fact I had been crying by looking into my phone.
"Thanks." I said, barely looking at her.
"I just had to be sure. You know?" She said, rubbing my shoulder with her hand.
"Yeah mother's and their daughters. I get it." I replied, trying to choke back the tears.
"I'll see you tomorrow - we will start to plan. I'm so happy and proud of you both." Amanda said, clearly sensing my unwillingness to speak to her.

I walked Amanda downstairs and kissed her cheek before she left, she kissed and hugged Leah before getting in her car and driving off.

"She just worries, Al. She worries about my career ending." Leah said, trying to hug me.
"Yeah. Don't worry it's fine." I said, moving from her arms and going to the fridge for some juice.
"I don't want to fight. Please don't fight with me Alex." Leah said, moving towards me.
"I'm not going to fight, Le. Just give me some space." I said, beginning to cry.
"I can't give you space when you're upset, I'm not leaving you. Talk to me." Leah said softly but she was annoying me. Her ability to support me in this moment when her mum was gone but dismiss me when her mum was here had really hurt me.
"I was upset when you banished me from my own kitchen, Leah. I don't need your conditional support." My voice was stern and I knew Leah was surprised. I very rarely argued with Leah, always opting to back down.
"What the fuck, Alex? Conditional support? Where did that come from?" Leah said, raising her voice slightly.
"You didn't support me when your mum was here, did you? You told me to leave the room like I was some sort of outsider. We are married, Leah. Talking about US having a baby and you suddenly think you can shut me out of that situation because your mum doesn't want your career impacted? Doesn't she care about mine?" I said, my voice now as raised as Leah's.
"Yeah she does, obviously. But she wasn't here for your career. She doesn't know how hard you've worked to be where you are. She only knows how hard I've worked because she's been here my whole life. She wanted to make sure I was making the right choice." Leah said.
"Okay." I said, turning to walk upstairs.
"Okay? What does okay mean?" Leah said softly, trying to take my hand as I walked.
"Okay means okay. It means good for you. It means it's nice that you have someone to look out for your career, someone that is dedicated to protecting you. Someone that takes your side over everyone else's. It's nice that you have a mum but don't rub it in my face, Leah. I'm going to bed. Goodnight." I began to walk upstairs.
"You have me!" Leah shouted after me, with good intentions but clueless as to what I was referring to.
"I have you?" I shouted, turning around to face her from half way up the stairs.
"Yes. Of course you do!" Leah said, voice slightly raised again.
"Where were you when I needed you to say that this was my family too? Where were you when I had to sit upstairs on my own and cry listening to your mum down here asking you if I forced you into wanting to carry a baby, Leah?" I shouted back.
"You've taken this all wrong, Al. Come down so we can talk. I love you." Leah said, now beginning to get upset by the situation unfolding in front of her eyes.
"No, Leah. I'm going to bed." I said, deflated. "I love you too by the way." I added, not wanting to end the night like that.

I headed upstairs. I had purposely turned to face the other side so that Leah wouldn't notice I'd been crying when she came up. She was only downstairs for around 15 minutes, presumably letting the dog out and locking up before bed.

When Leah got into bed I stayed facing the opposite direction. She rustled about in the covers for a few seconds before turning to face my back. I felt her fingertips lightly draw patterns on my shoulder as she moved her feet to touch mine. I knew she just wanted some kind of contact with me.

"I don't think you understand what it's like to not have a mum." I said through my tears.
"I know Al, I know that I don't. And I know that you don't want me to ever have to." She said, still drawing patterns on my back.
"I really thought you were the one person that would always have my back, Le. I thought you were my safe place." I said, sniffling through my entire sentence.
"And I'm not anymore?" Leah said, I could hear her voice break and as much as it was breaking my heart to hear her cry I had to be honest.
"I don't feel very safe right now, no. I feel like I don't belong." I said, moving away from the feeling of her fingertips.

I felt Leah's body shake the bed as she began to cry silently beside me. She moved once more, this time reaching over me to tuck her teddy under my chin. The same teddy she had sent me to protect me when I was hurting last time. I knew that she was trying to protect me now but it all felt too late. Was I overreacting? This had gone from the best time of my life to the worst pretty quickly. We fell asleep that night, facing opposite directions on the bed and both blinded by tears. I had never felt like this, ever.