The Meeting

Grief

I went back on the road the day after the launch, goodbye seemed to be harder every time I visited home. As we approached the last leg of the tour, we were finally back in the UK. Aoife talked about how she had just two more scratches on her map before I would be back, Leah constantly working out how many miles separated us as I got closer and closer to home.

Belfast was the last flight I would catch before we ended the tour, finishing with a final night in London. I wanted my last two shows to be in the two places I called home. Gigs in Belfast were always emotional; they reminded me of the days when I had almost given up on music, days when I would perform to my original fans, and of my Mum and Dad being in the crowd to watch me perform. Those days were a reminder that I was lucky. Lucky to have received unconditional love and support from both my parents, lucky to have had parents that allowed me to follow my dreams, and lucky that my Mum had lived long enough to know that I would make it one day.

We travelled to Belfast early, allowing me to spend time with my family for a few hours before the show. The drive back to Dad's was one that filled me with a different kind of butterflies than the ones I got from Leah, these were butterflies of feeling connected to my first home. The first place I felt safe, the first place I found my passion for music, and the first place that I truly found out what love was. Being a parent now, I discovered all of the reasons why my parents were so selfless, why they gave me everything they had, the days they would sacrifice their own wishes to make mine come true.

Nothing had changed in Dad's house, despite his marriage to Janice. He still had pictures of Mum hung proudly in the hall, my awards still occupied most of the conservatory and the smell of home cooked food still lingered throughout. The moment the door closed, my Dad appeared in the hallway, his smile lighting up the darkness that was caused by typical Irish weather. His arms immediately opened as I hurled towards him, his grip tightening like it did when I was a child.

"I missed you, Dad." I whispered, nuzzling my head into his chest.
"We missed you too." He smiled, nodding towards the picture of my Mum.

The afternoon was spent in the living room, catching up with Dad whilst Janice worked from the office. Janice was exactly the type of person I imagined my Dad to end up with, once I accepted that Mum wasn't coming back. She was just as attentive, just as kind, and just as reassuring. Aoife and Theo would get confused, calling her Nanny sometimes; she would quickly remind them that their Nanny was in the sky, never wanting to take my Mum's place. It wasn't a rejection, it was a simple level of respect that she had for the woman she had never known. She treated them like her grandchildren; buying them clothes, sending them gifts, and she even taught Theo to ride his bike on their recent visit to England.

Time passed quickly, as is often the case in life, meaning that I had to make the journey back to the venue for tonight. Whilst rehearsals wouldn't be needed, having performed the previous night, vocal exercises were needed to ensure my voice was at the best it could be. Dad and Janice went to get ready, Dad panicking already about the traffic he hadn't even hit yet.

I had given myself enough time to stop for a while at Mum's grave, a place I didn't go to as often as I would like due to my move to England. Stepping out of my car in the car park attached to the graveyard, I was reminded of that day. The day when I stepped out of the back of the funeral car, clutching my Dad's hand as we walked towards Mum's final resting place. Neither of us knew in that moment, that the pain would get so much worse, and then slowly better, but never erased.

Grief had taken away my inner most beliefs; the belief that life gave back what you put in, belief that life was kind if you were kind, and the belief that good people are dealt good deals. My Mum was a good person; she was the best person. I didn't understand why life had given her such a raw deal, but having my own children now and a wife that I loved eternally, had shown me that she didn't get a raw deal. Just a perfect journey, that came to an end as they all do.