The Meeting

Give It Up For You

I arrived home shortly after 10:15pm, the television light flickering through the window downstairs letting me know that Leah was still up. I quietly closed the door so as not to wake the kids and set my keys on the table in the hall. As I turned the corner into the living room, I could see Leah looking nervous on the sofa.

"I love you. I should've told you that before I left." I said, knowing I'd never left the house without saying it before.
"I love you, Alex. Only you." She said back.
"There's a lot we need to talk about, Le. A lot of things I'm really not happy with, some I don't understand but mostly things I want to know. Things I should already know."
"I know. I'm ready to talk when you are." She said.
"I'm ready now but I don't think tonight is the right time. Maybe we can tomorrow?" I asked.
"I'd like that." Leah said quietly.

The atmosphere was different tonight. Leah and I were more content, we were far from sorted but we knew we both wanted to get to that point and that was enough for us. Leah felt awkward in bed, I knew she did. Not knowing whether I wanted to be touched by her or not. I waited until she turned over and pressed myself up against her back, feeling a sigh of relief leaving her body as my arm wrapped around her.

The following morning, we both took Aoife to school together, Theo was still asleep most of the day so we had a good opportunity to talk.

"How do you want to do this? Do I start?" Leah asked, making me laugh slightly.
"I need to know one thing first." I stated.
"Okay?" Leah said sheepishly.
"Did you love her?" I asked.
"No. No I did not love Harriet, Alex. At all. Maybe I wanted to, in fact not maybe. For a while, I wanted to. I wanted to love her. Yes. But no. I didn't." Leah said, vocalising her thought process to ensure her answer was honest.
"Okay but you wanted to? Why was that?" I asked.
"If I tell you this, you have to promise you won't kick off?" Leah said, holding her pinky out to me.
"Are we really doing a pinky promise right now, Le?" I laughed.
"Yes." She said, more serious than I'd ever saw her which only made me laugh more.
"Okay, I promise." I said, bringing her hand up to my lips and placing a kiss on it for reassurance.
"Before I start, I need you to know that my reason for not telling you this was because I felt so stupid. I felt stupid that I could have allowed someone to change the way I looked at you. I felt stupid that my head was that easily swayed." Leah began.
"Okay?" I said, confused.
"When you were away, at the time when I met Harriet, I was having doubts. They were standard doubts about whether or not you would forget me. Whether you would find someone that could travel the world with you. I told you about this." Leah said, sighing.
"Yes, I know that." I said, sitting forward slightly in the chair.
"Harriet used to say things. Little things that I didn't pick up on. Things to sway my mind slightly." Leah said, scratching her head.
"Things like what?" I asked, feeling myself getting angry at Harriet.
"She would ask if I'd heard from you, when I would say I hadn't she would tell me you updated your story. She would send me pictures of you with all these girls that were dressed up for the shows whilst I was standing in my tracksuit with no make up on, eyes dark from my lack of sleep. She would tell me stories of people she had worked with before that paid people like her to make stories go away when they had cheated on their other halves." Leah said, I could tell in her eyes that this was true and I knew that she had almost been taken advantage of.
"And you believed her?" I asked.
"I don't know if it was that I believed her. More that I trusted her. I had no reason to think that it was a well thought out plan. She would always text me back, right away. When I needed her, she would be there. She would say things like 'I know Alex is too busy so I'll come with you' and obviously at that time, I developed an anger towards you for that and a - well a - I don't know" Leah said.
"Love towards her?" I asked, my heart sinking.
"No. God, no. Never a love. More a feeling of need." Leah said, making her point firmly.
"Okay. So how did love come into then? Did she say it first and you said it back? Did you say it first?" I asked.
"She said it first. She told me that she loved me, then she told me I had to tell you the truth. She told me that if I didn't she would never speak to me again." Leah said.
"And you wanted to speak to her more than you wanted to tell me?" I asked, keeping my voice neutral so she knew I wasn't angry.
"I guess. I don't know. I was so afraid of losing her, of losing the person I believed was the only person I had." Leah sighed.
"I get that. You didn't know you had me, you didn't know that I would have done anything for you." I said, lowering my head.
"Not at that point, no. That is on me though. That was never on you. You did nothing wrong, Alex. You asked me before you left if I was okay with it, do you remember that?" Leah asked.

Leah's question had taken me back to that night. Back to the night before I left for the tour that changed everything. Leah was crying on the sofa at the idea of us going so long without seeing each other and I had told her that I wouldn't go if it meant I would lose her. I asked her would she be okay and she told me she would be. She told me she would wait for me.

"Yes. You said you would wait for me." I said.
"And I didn't." Leah sighed.
"You did, Le. You waited for me. Your heart did, even if your head didn't." I said, taking her hands.
"Why're you like this, Alex?" She sighed, looking down at our hands.
"Like what?" I asked.
"Devoted to me. So accepting of my behaviour, no matter how thoughtless it is. You always try to make it work, you always love me just as much. You went on one tour, the very first one and I was unfaithful, why did you even forgive me?" Leah began to cry.
"Love isn't meant to be easy, Le." I told her.
"Loving you has been easy though." She said through her tears.
"Has it? Do you remember how thoughtless I was with Gemma? Taking her hand and making you look so silly on social media? Even if it wasn't for that reason, I didn't think before I acted. I didn't tell you about that second letter. I shouted at you for having a mum, just because I didn't have one." I listed the reasons.
"You never cheated though, Alex." She cried.
"No but I have hurt you. You have hurt me. And we will probably do silly things that hurt each other again. We have from now until forever, I highly doubt it's going to be sunshine and roses for the next however many years. What I don't doubt is that we will get through it, together." I reassured her.
"There's something else I need to tell you, something else I haven't told you." She said, looking to the floor.
"Okay?" I said, inhaling as I spoke.
"I've asked for a transfer." Leah said.
"Le, what? No!" I said, confused as to where this had come from.
"I won't have you worrying everyday that I might listen to something Harriet says. I won't have you in another country knowing I'm having a one-to-one meeting with the woman I cheated on you with. I won't do it. I choose you. I will always choose you." She said as I pulled her into a hug.
"Le, this is silly. You do not need to transfer. You belong at Arsenal." I said, rubbing circles on her back and she cried on my shoulder.

I could see Leah's point. I would feel horrible knowing Harriet was around. But leaving her childhood club? Giving up her dream? That's not what marriage is meant to entail. Marriage is meant to be part of your dream, not the ruination of it.

"You can't change my mind, Al. I'm done. I'm done with the club. I'm done with hurting you." Leah said, firmly.

My mind immediately travelled to thoughts of how I could fix this, without hiring a hitman. I had to find something to convince Leah to stay, I had to find a reason for her to believe in the club again.