The Meeting

Too Little, Too Late?

I woke at 6am, eyes stinging from the tears that had fallen so freely from my eyes the night before. Leah's body was now right behind mine, she had obviously moved towards me at some point during the night. I wanted to turn around and cuddle into her. I wanted to wake her up and tell her I loved her but I didn't feel like I could. She had really hurt me last night, her dismissal of me had knocked me for six.

I slipped out of bed and headed to the bathroom to shower and get ready for work. I had a meeting today with Gavin and our new producer. I couldn't tell anyone what had happened the night before, Leah and I had an agreement that only Amanda was to know about the clinic and as upset as I was, I couldn't break it. I left as soon as I was ready whispering I love you to Leah from the bedroom door and making the 45 minute trip to the studio, trying to block out the images my mind was replaying over and over again from last night.

As I arrived, I checked my phone to see that Leah was now awake.

L - Have you gone to work?

A - Yeah, I have that meeting today.

L - I know. You're coming home though, right?

A - Yes. Later. We are recording. Will be home around 8.

L - We need to talk. We need to sort this out.

A - Yeah, I guess.

L - I can't lose you, Alex.

A - We can talk when I'm home.

L - Do I get an I love you?

A - Always. I love you, Le.

L - I love you.

No matter how upset I was with Leah, I would never not tell her I loved her. Even if we had to end, even if I didn't feel like it was right anymore. I practiced my smile in the interior mirror, checking that my eyes weren't puffy, thanking my lucky stars that this meeting wasn't a formal one and I could stay in my joggers and hoodie for it. I met Gavin in the car park and we headed in together, I knew that he could tell something was wrong but he didn't ask, probably putting it down to a marriage tiff.

After the meeting and hours of recorded, Gavin and I walked to our cars together. He placed a caring hand on my shoulder as we walked, pulling me in towards him for a hug.

"Gav, can I ask you something?" I said.
"Anything mate. What is it?" He replied, loosening his grip slightly to allow me to look at him.
"Do you ever get upset? You know, that Lyds has her parents and you don't? Do you ever feel like you don't belong in that family?" I asked, watching his face as he mulled over what I had just said.
"Sometimes I get upset, yeah. Sometimes, although I hope she doesn't have to for a very long time, I wish Lydia could feel how I feel. Not to hurt her, just so she knows how it feels." He said.
"Do you think we ever wont feel this way?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his waist to hug him.
"I think that pain will last forever but we have to explain it to them. You know how Leah explained what being benched meant to her because you didn't understand why it was so bad? That's how they are about our parents." Gavin hugged me tightly.
"Thanks, Gav. I've got to go but I'll see you at the weekend." I said as I got into my car and drove off.

What Gavin had said had made me think. I didn't need to talk to Leah about how I felt without my mum, I had done that enough times. I needed to talk to Leah about her. Why did she react that way with me? Why did she care more about her mum's upset than mine? But this was once again another time that I had to question Leah. It was never that she openly told me this stuff.

I drove home, trying to plan what I would say but knowing I would say something completely different when it came to it. When I got there, Leah was lay on the sofa, she had her hood up and her eyes left obvious signs that she had been upset most of the day. I sat in front of her, using my thumbs to wipe the tears that had restarted upon my arrival. Leah brought her hands up to rest them on top of mine. I knew I needed to talk to her but seeing her upset made me feel a certain way, I couldn't watch it. I kissed her forehead and lay down beside her, moving the blanket to cover us both and wrapping my arms around her. She returned the hug, sobbing into my hair as I let her unleash her emotion.