The Meeting

Escapism

Leah POV

Wondering if Alex would ever return home was horrible, I had never seen her so cold towards me. Normally she wouldn't leave without saying I love you, normally she showed emotion but tonight it was almost like she was done. I frantically called her phone only to discover it was turned off, Lydia hadn't seen her and she wasn't at the studio with Gavin. That was when I tried to call my mum.

Am - Stop calling, she will leave if she knows you're calling.

L - She's with you?

Am - Yes. And extremely upset. What have you done? Did you love Harriet?

L - Of course not! I just said it because I hated Alex!

Am - Oh Leah.

It had been years since my mum had said 'oh Leah' to me. That's what she said when she was neither angry nor upset, just bitterly disappointed in me. I was too. The idea that I had made Alex feel so awful for months when I knew I had said those three words to Harriet, killed me. It was something I had blocked from my mind, something I gave no more thought to. That was until she entered the room that day. Suddenly the memories came flooding back, like flashbacks from a movie. The first time our lips smashed together, ripping her clothes off as Alex played on stage, that moment when I saw Alex with that blonde fan on Twitter when I had just been prescribed anxiety medication from the doctor. I hated her. Well, I didn't. I hated how much I loved her. I wanted to scream it in her face but I couldn't, she wasn't there.

Harriet told me to tell Alex, she told me that if I didn't she would disappear from my life. I was so afraid of losing the one person that kept me going, the person that was making me feel okay. In that moment, I thought I needed Harriet, I thought I loved her. I wanted to love her. So I said it. Even though I didn't mean it. I said it because I wanted to mean it. Once I meant it, it meant that Alex couldn't hurt me when she moved on, like I knew she would.

Once Alex and I split, I told Harriet that I had lied to her. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore, that I had seen the hurt that I had caused Alex and that I knew now that Harriet had amplified my doubts about my relationship for her own gain. Harriet laughed at me, told me I was pathetic if I thought that Alex would ever stick with me forever.

When I met Harriet, I was at my weakest point. She was kind, attentive and caring. She told me I was so much better than the hate I was receiving but there was a lot that I didn't tell Alex about Harriet. I didn't tell of the screenshots she would send me of Alex and her fans, of the nights that Harriet would ask me if Alex had rang, only to tell me that she updated her story 31 minutes ago so would've had time to reply to my texts had she missed me. I didn't tell Alex how Harriet would tell me that only she truly understood the pain I was going through.

Harriet wasn't abusive or anything like that, she just knew that I would never love her like I loved Alex. That's why she text me that message on holiday. She knew that once I returned to the arms of Alex I would realise that Alex wasn't the things she had helped my head to believe she was.

During the Q&A that Alex did with Lydia, Lydia told the world how Alex didn't update her own stories, that it was Lydia because Alex was a dinosaur. I felt so stupid, I should've known that Alex would've replied to me before posting a story but my mind was so full of self doubt that I saw the negative possibilities everywhere.

Harriet didn't speak to me during that talk she held at Arsenal, she just stared. A lot. I knew she was still angry, still hurt maybe. I hated that I hurt her but I hated more that she had persuaded me to believe that Alex was a bad person, that I deserved better.

During my first media health check, Harriet called me in and we spoke solely of work related topics. As I was leaving she asked me one final question.

"Does she know you loved me?" Harriet asked.
"No, I didn't. I said that at the time but now I know I didn't." I said as I left the room.
"Truth always comes out, Leah." She shook her head.

I knew I should run home and tell Alex but we had just had our second baby and I thought it was for the best that I held off. I know now that was the wrong decision.

I think that's why I hated Grace so much. That's why I reacted how I did. Grace had managed to make Alex fall for her, maybe not in love but in every other way, by simply being herself. Alex had been closer to falling in love naturally than I ever was. She just didn't know it. Mine was a set up, a well thought out plan.

As I waited to see if Alex would return, I looked around the living room to see toys, Alex's guitar and the picture of the four of us that hung above the mantelpiece. How had I let this happen to my family? How did I let Alex's mum down like I had promised I never would? What will Aoife and Theo think in the future when they hear what I did to her?

The 10pm news came on, the sports correspondent speaking of Arsenal Women's fantastic start to the season. I was mentioned three times during the one report and referred to as a fan favourite. I rolled my eyes, if only they knew I had asked to be transferred.