The Meeting

The Aftermath

My heart dropped to my feet, this had all been a complete misunderstanding. Leah didn't stop loving me, she stopped loving herself. I can tell by the words in this letter that she still doesn't love herself.

I brought Leah's teddy up to my face, rubbing it against my cheek and smelling her perfume lingering on it. It caught my tears, protecting me as she said it would. I closed my eyes, remembering the times Leah had spoken of in her letter. I thought of us cuddled up in bed on the cold winter nights, Leah wrapping more of the blankets around me to keep me warm telling me she was covered, even though I knew she wasn't. I thought of the look in her eyes that night when I asked her to stay in Manchester. I thought of the times she FaceTimed me whilst I was on tour, she would tell me how proud she was of me, even when I had made mistakes the night before or had to restart a song. I thought of the times she had come to watch me perform and was dressed head to toe in my merchandise, like a proud child.

I love Leah, but is it too late for that now? How could I just abandon Grace now? Grace has been amazing, she has been patient and kind to me. She wanted me to get closure from Leah, not reopen a door. She didn't deserve this.

As I thought of Grace, I thought of the first date, the happiness I felt, the common interests we shared and her commitment to me throughout. I thought of her ability to always say the right thing. I thought of her holding my hand at the awards, willing me on to be strong for Gavin. I thought of her dancing around the kitchen in my T-shirt, happiness oozing out of her because I had shown her off to the world.

And what would Ellie say? I can't lose Ellie, I can't do that. Of everyone, she is the one person I cannot lose.

My head is spinning, I wish my mum was here. I read and reread the letter. I reread my messages to Grace.

G - I really hope you get what you need. You deserve to be happy and I want to be the one to do that for you.

A - I hope so too. I really appreciate everything you do for me, I don't know how I got so lucky.

I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't. I did the only thing I could think of, I began to write a letter back to Leah, well two. Each one worded dependent on my decision. This would give me two days before Grace comes back to decide which I wanted to send. I couldn't send it before Grace and I had spoke in person again, I knew that above all else she deserved to know these things in advance.

I held Leah's teddy in my left hand, penning the letters with my right.

To my Leah,

I wrote at the top of one letter.

Hi Leah, thank you for the letter.

I began the top of the second. Now all I needed to do was find the words for each. Before I could begin, I heard a creak at my bedroom door.

"Dad, I can hear you, you know!" I shouted out to him.
"Can I come in?" He shouted back.
"Of course, come on."

Dad had obviously heard me sobbing at Leah's letter. He wasn't the talking type, he left that to mum but as mum wasn't an option anymore I guess he is doing his best to ensure I still have that. I know talking makes him uncomfortable, so the fact he is doing this for me means more than he will ever know.

"I'm guessing whatever was in the box wasn't something you wanted then?" He said, nodding his head towards the empty box on my bed.
"It was everything I wanted Dad." I said through my tears.
"Then why the tears? They aren't happy tears?" He asked, confused as to how the female mind works.
"How did you know mum was the one Dad?" I asked him. I had asked mum this many times but never Dad. He thought for a moment before he answered.
"I imagined myself doing the things I did with your mum with someone else and when I couldn't think of a single other person that I would do them with, I knew that your mum was the one." He said, smiling to himself.
"But what if you've done those things with the two people you can't decide between? What if you've done the dinner dates, the nights out, the nights in, the award shows and the family meetings with two people." I asked, confused as to why it was so simple for him.
"Everyone has done those things with more than one person. I went on many a night out with Harry from work but I never thought he might be the one." I giggled at his words.
"Then what things do you mean?" He thought for a minute before answering.
"I want you to think of something for a moment, okay?" He requested.
"Yeah. Okay." I said sitting up in my bed.
"I want you to imagine that tomorrow, you're going to see your Mum again one last time. You have one person you can bring with you, not me or Ellie. Not Gavin or Lydia. Someone special, someone you want her to approve of. Someone that your mum knows you'll be safe with, someone that won't hurt you. Someone that you trust. Someone that makes you feel like there is no one else in the room. Someone that makes you feel stronger than ever before. Someone that you could look your mum in the eye and tell her you will love forever, who can also do that too. Don't tell me the answer but think of that person and when you know the answer, you'll know your person." Dad said, wiping the tears from my face and kissing my head.
"Thanks Dad. You're quite good at this advice thing." I joked.
"I learned it from your beautiful mum." He said, looking to the sky and kissing my head once more. "Now get some sleep, I need you to be good at these gigs, I'm going to bring Harry because I think he's the one." He said, sticking his tongue out at me like he used to when I was five.
"Goodnight Dad, I love you." I whispered, falling into a sleep with Leah's teddy tucked under my chin.
"Goodnight Alex, I love you more." My dad whispered as he turned off the bedroom light and quietly closed my door.

I knew I had to write those letters but I was too exhausted from crying and I knew I needed to sleep if I wanted to think straight. Tomorrow would be the day, no excuses.