The Meeting

Giving Up

As we began to glue our lives together, certain things came to light that we had maybe overlooked before. We had prepared for this though, we knew it was going to happen but I hadn't prepared for how it was going to feel.

Leah's football commitments meant that during the season she had to stay in London, preventing her from travelling to my gigs. My busy tour schedule meant that I didn't have enough time to fly home to London in between shows.

I travelled home for Christmas, flying my Dad and Janice over to have dinner with Leah, her family and I on Christmas Day. Our first Christmas married was everything we could have wished for, we were happy and just glad to be back in the arms of each other again. However, in the days after I was exhausted from the constant travelling, the endless singing and the artists persona that I had to put on every night. I think after the hype of Christmas, Leah could possibly have felt like I was bored or uninterested, not realising I just didn't want to leave her again. By now, I was wondering if this life of singing was worth it. I had made my money to support my family but I had really fallen out of love with it.

A few days after New Year, I snapped at Leah for doing very little. It was a typical married couple tiff but we rarely had them which made it seem so intense to us when we did. Leah had been going on about bringing me out with her football girls, they had been asking to see me for quite a while but I was tired and I didn't want to talk about the shows. I didn't want to think about going back on stage.

"Why can't you just make the effort?" Leah questioned me, not realising that there was a lot more to my reluctance.
"Why can't you just fucking leave it, Leah?" I snapped back, causing her to become angry too.
"You do realise that this is my life too? I have waited for you to come home for months. Arriving into the house at night alone, sleeping alone, eating alone, watching you on stage with your friends knowing that Lydia and you are sat watching Netflix and playing PlayStation until you're tired enough to pass out. I have waited and waited and waited for you. And you come home like this? No interest in me, no interest in doing anything with me. No interest in seeing my friends but being upset that I can't travel to be with you and yours? I'm tired waiting, Alex. Please just come and see them." She shouted, her voice mellowing towards the end.
"Don't wait then. Go." I said, sternly towards her but deep down I wanted to hug her and tell her that just as she had been anxious and worried, I now was too.

Leah walked out and slammed the door shut behind her. I heard her letting Milo out and start to collect her stuff to head out. I lay back on the bed, wondering if Leah was right. She had waited too long for me, she was basically alone for 3 months of this year already with another 4 to go. I couldn't give it up though, could I?

My mind was racing and I was struggling to collect my thoughts. I got up off the bed and began to take my suitcase from above the wardrobe. In that moment, all I could think about was being the burden. The ball and chain around Leah's ankle. She deserved so much better than someone that left her sitting alone at night. I began to pack some of my clothes into my bag, figuring I would stay at Gavin and Lydia's until the tour started back up.

Leah came back upstairs, I think to kiss me goodbye. She hated parting on an argument, always strived to sort things out before either of us would leave the house. Her eyes widened at the sight of me packing my things.

"Alex, what're you doing?" She said, trying to hide the fear in her voice.
"You're right, Le. I'm not around enough. I think I can just come back here and pick up where we left off, it doesn't work like that." I said, walking between my case and the wardrobe, taking things off the hangers and placing them into my suitcase.
"That's not what I said, Alex! I don't have an issue with you touring. My issue is that you have just stopped making effort. I don't know if it's me or what it is but you've changed so quickly and I just don't understand." Leah said, still angry but not shouting as much anymore.
"Maybe I just forgot how to." I said, trying to throw her off the scent that I wasn't feeling too positive right now.

I didn't notice until a few minutes later that Leah had been taking the clothes I was packing back out of my suitcase and was now placing them back onto the hangers and putting them into the wardrobe, which explained why my case wasn't filling up. The image of her doing this was enough to make me laugh slightly and as Leah realised I was laughing at the sight of the two of us, she too began to laugh.

"What's going on, Alex. You are never like this with me." Leah said, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"I can't tell you because I haven't worked it out yet, Le." I said, sitting down beside her.
"Can't we work it out together?" Leah asked, her voice trembling slightly.
"I didn't want you to worry." I said, hanging my head slightly at the realisation that I had completely left Leah out of this.

Leah pulled me down onto her chest, I turned onto my side and put my leg over hers, looking up to her face and immediately starting to cry.

"Alex, please talk to me. You're scaring me. What is it? Whatever it is we can get through it. You and me. Together." She spoke so lovingly that the panic that was setting in previous had now subsided.
"I don't think I want to sing anymore, Le." I said, Leah was silent for a minute.
"Why not? You love singing. Being on that stage is your happy place." She said, obvious confusion in her voice at my sudden reluctance to do the thing I love.
"It was. I loved it and I wanted it more than anything. But now, now it's like the one thing that keeps me away from you for months. It impacts everything. I just don't think singing fits in my life anymore." I said.
"Singing doesn't or I don't?" Leah asked, her trembling voice now turning to tears.
"It's not a choice between you and singing, Le. I will always choose you. Always." I said, stroking her hair and gazing into her eyes.

Leah pulled me into her chest, knowing that I didn't need words right now. She was visibly worried about my future but she showed no signs of giving up on me. Her arms tightened around me, letting me know that she was protecting me from anything I was scared of.

When I felt ready, we spoke about the possibility of me postponing the rest of my tour until the summer so that Leah could join me more regularly. Leah worried that this was the wrong decision, telling me that we would figure something out but I was adamant that the only way for me to finish my tour was to postpone.

As we got into bed that night, Leah lay on my chest but in silence, I could tell she was deep in her own thoughts. Just as I started to drift into a sleep, Leah spoke gently to me.

"Al?"
"Yeah, Le?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.
"Sorry. I thought you were still awake. I need to ask you something but I don't want you to feel awkward if I'm wrong." She said, rubbing her hand across her forehead.
"Okay, what is it?" I asked.
"Is this because we keep talking about having a baby?" Leah whispered.
"Yeah." Was all I could manage to get out.

Leah pushed her head further into my chest before speaking again.

"You're worried that if you're still on tour and I'm playing football, we won't be able to find time for a baby?" She said gently.
"Yeah, if I stop with the tours and just make music -" I began.
"Why do you have to be the one to give up your career?" She asked.
"Because yours is based here. Yours is fine. You can go to work and come home in the same day." I replied.
"So do I just never go to another Euros again? No more World Cups? No more Champions League?" She ranted.
"Well no obviously. Because me and the baby could come see you during those." I said, knowing exactly what her next point would be.
"We could come and see you too. He/she could watch their mummy perform and sing along to the songs they know she's written about them. You aren't quitting music Al, not for anyone. You're too talented to do that. We will find a way but this is not it." Leah said firmly but affectionately.
"I love you." Was all I could manage to get out, my eyes now closing together.
"I love you too. And I will forever unpack your bags as you pack them." She said, reaching up to kiss my neck.

That was all it took. Just as Leah had to ensure she had holes in her bucket, I had to do the same with myself. All it took was one conversation and suddenly I couldn't wait to step onto that stage again, without the worries this time that Leah would be better if I didn't.