Tangent | Soukoku; AU [✔]

37 ➳ broken record // n.c

damn it! i knew it! there was a sense of deja vu today and i was right! this was the only thing in my head right now. ren wanted to discuss with me what had happened in today's game. this was the exact same thing that i had faced with dazai before he left the team.

"well, chuuya, what do you have to say for yourself, hmm?" dazai asked in his usual calm voice. i know any better that he's mad if he's speaking like this.

"i thought it was going to work, alright!" i yelled back in my frustration. the fact that he was lecturing me like this feels like my years of experience as a player is being invalidated. "and what about you, huh?! maybe if you followed up, perhaps it could've worked!"

"didn't we say to not do it?"

fuck. it really is almost the same; ren even said something similar, and my excuse was all the same. it's like we're stuck in a broken record and the same line was just playing over and over again. what's different now is that i couldn't let it all out because i'm afraid of tainting my image in front of this woman. i don't want to look bad in front of her if it means losing my bet with dazai.

"then let the best man win instead."

goddamnit! the world really is just a broken record now.

in the end, all i could just say was "i-i'm sorry."

honestly, i was stuck in a situation wherein i would either let my pride win or i risk losing the support again and have dazai win. both worlds would end up stepping on my dignity but i guess it's better to lose to this person rather than the other - at least ren won't poke fun at me for it.

"if you're mad, then you can let it out, nakahara," ren looked at me with a slight smile, but with a deadpan expression. seems to me she's trying to do her best in comforting me, although it was obvious that she has never been in this situation until today. "i can read it all over your face that your ego is being stepped on."

"i-i said i'm sorry!" i said in my defense. i don't need the wound to be rubbed with salt anymore. ren confronting me all about this was enough.

the woman said nothing in return and just gave me another light pat on the shoulder. her touch was sincere albeit her struggle with keeping an equal expression to go with it.

"i don't want any drama between us, alright?" and now she's back with her normal monotonous voice. "i want us to be a team, and to build nice human relationships."

i had nothing to say about that anymore, but she's right. perhaps with her around, things may turn for the better - probably much better than when the suicide freak was around.

ren turned the computer off and had offered to leave, saying that she had nothing to tell me anymore and that we could just play later if i wanted. i told her that i'm going to pass for tonight and just get myself some rest.

because i don't think i'll recover from that emotional damage anytime soon.