Tangent | Soukoku; AU [✔]

53 ➳ shadow // h.x

what does one have to do when they never want to hurt others, but at some point you have to stop hurting yourself in the process too? just because i have always lived by this statement, doesn't mean i had to compromise my own for the sake of others; it was never a two-way take - there were days that i had to suffer from it too, but in my mind, at least they weren't hurt.

it wasn't until today that i realized that i was also capable of feeling burnt out from playing the role of the nice one. i wanted things to be fixed right, i didn't want unnecessary drama... and yet here i am, walking away from the very own words i've spouted earlier.

i got tired of meeting in the middle, when the other person never intended to meet me there in the first place. perhaps this was the guilt that mr. hawthorne had warned me not to eat me whole.

all that's running in my head was 'at least i can catch a break tomorrow albeit just for a day.' i do think i deserve the break. i don't think i'll be able to start that break early, though.

"xyren! hayakawa xyren!" was a scream i heard from a certain distance. even if i don't turn around to check who it was, i already know who it was just from the loudness of the voice.

i stopped in my tracks but still did not turn around. big running footsteps soon got more audible until it stopped just right behind me, followed by some ragged breathing.

"please," i heard in between the panting, pausing for a bit to catch his breath before proceeding. "please xyren, we can talk. i don't want to fuck things up again."

the last words rang something within my brain. "what do you mean 'again'?"

gentle winds blow from behind us, yet there was tension along with it too. chuuya was quiet again, but he was finally done catching his breath. as i was about to turn around to check if he was still there or if i was just imagining things earlier, a tight wrap was felt around my waist. i looked down to see arms in black sleeves holding me in, with something leaning towards my back as well.

not moments later, chuuya had let me go from his attempt to hug me, thus i was able to face him. he took off his hat and hugged it on his chest, revealing his messy, free-flowing vermilion hair.

"i... i mean, we," chuuya stuttered. "we already lost dazai off the team because of this same mistake. i don't want it to happen again."

"what are you implying then?"

chuuya scratched the back of his head before responding. "everything feels like a deja vu to me lately, ever since you came to the team. do you know the reason why dazai left the team?"

dazai has been hinting this for ages ever since we met, and the week i've spent in port mafia gave me some assumptions, but never a conclusive answer. i just didn't want to assume that it was because of chuuya's toxicity as that would mean that i've been thinking ill about my teammate, even though it has been evident already. still, it was bad to assume.

i just shook my head no.

"he... he got burnt out from the game, for the very same reason why you're mad at me now."

i wasn't entirely sure what to take with that information - it was far from everything that i've been theorizing. however, i do understand why that was even the reason. in fact, it was the very exact thing that i've been feeling now - burn out.

for some reason, my hands moved on its own to give the short man a head pat. i was expecting chuuya to react violently to it like he always does, but this time he just... took it?

"nakahara," i sighed. i hope i can convey my words right, or the guilt that's been eating me will grow bigger. "i hope you realize that i'm not trying to be dazai's shadow, so i hope you don't treat or see me as one, too."

"o-of course not! you're far different from that blockhead!"

"i really hope so, nakahara." i can feel my tears forming in the rim of my eyelids, to which chuuya noticed that i was wincing trying to hold it back.

the lamppost around the area lit up upon saying those words, and the skies were shifting darker. more silence filled the empty spaces between us, both unsure on what to take with this confrontation. finally, i remembered the word i kept before the game started - the initial reason as to why we were supposed to talk.

"also, i'm sorry that you have to take everyone's beating so much... but i'm sorry too, i think you deserve it sometimes."