Tangent | Soukoku; AU [✔]

44 ➳ food for thought // h.x

"don't let your guilt ever eat you alive, hayakawa." these words from hawthorne had me thinking since last night, practically to a point that i wasn't able to sleep well.

while i do admit that his words are true, the fact that these were the pastor's choice of words towards my refusal to open up about my feelings last night was the one bothering me now. his capabilities as a pastor and a priest are way beyond me if he can somehow tell that i'm just burying everything inside me. or perhaps he could - i did hear from people that priests do these things called 'reconciliation' wherein people talk to priests about their sins.

maybe exposure to this type of work hones his ability to know when someone's guilty of something.

but yeah, who am i kidding? eventually all my buried thoughts and feelings will eat me up like bugs and worms on buried corpses six feet below. i just keep thinking to myself that i should just carry on for now and i shouldn't let these things bother me for now - not at least the tournament is over.

was joining port mafia a mistake on my end? or is it because i somehow walked into a fate that had let me crossed paths with the past of the team?

dazai isn't a bad friend, and whether he was port mafia's ex-support or not made no difference to me if it weren't for him always warning about chuuya. on the other hand, chuuya always spoke ill of dazai, saying that i shouldn't be getting too close with the latter.

it's bringing back so much memories that i didn't want to surface ever again, and yet here i am living with it.

oh well, as long as i can hold on into thinking that i must stay in the game of being a pro then i should be able to live with my life as far as i couldn't imagine it, right?

i gave out a long heavy sigh, my hands being warmed by my coffee mug as i stare into the brown liquid. why am i thinking of all this at 6 in the morning? what happened to the xyren that all she ever thinks about is doing art to get by and play games to enhance my career further down the line? i don't want any of the drama.

then again, the esports life is full of drama in the long run. maybe, in the words of hawthorne, "this is the Lord's way of testing your patience."

no point in dwelling far ahead in the future for now, xyren.

i finished my breakfast as soon as i can, since coach mori had given orders that we will be meeting up today to discuss things with the team. hopefully that would take my mind off of things for a bit.

i got ready as early as seven and i really hope i'm not going to be late this time. i have been tardy even before joining the team and i don't want that to be my reputation to everyone on the team.

initially, i was planning to take the subway like normal, but there was a notice outside of the station that the subway was running late today due to technical difficulties. great. i had no other choice but to make a run for it - as fast as my legs can drag me, as far as my bread-and-coffee-supplied energy can take me.