Tangent | Soukoku; AU [✔]

74 ➳ dreams // h.x

i woke up to what felt to me like a week's worth of sleep. there were beeping sounds all over the room, and i fluttered my eyes open to be greeted by a very dull blue-and-white wall. my body felt like i was in a gravity chamber and i couldn't move. breathing felt like a chore too.

i can at least turn my head around though, but even that's hard enough for me. on my left was hawthorne, sitting beside the window. the sunlight was shining through his face, and a bright lux refracts in his glasses.

i tried calling him by mustering a portion of my strength and the pastor seems to have heard me. he hurriedly stood up and walked towards the side of my bed, holding the rails of the bedside.

"thank God you're awake now, xyren," hawthorne sighed in relief, but his facial expressions still showed signs of obvious panic. "h-how are you feeling right now?"

"i feel really weak," i admitted. "did i finally get that inheritable disease?"

hawthorne tightened his grip on the railing, yet reluctantly nodded to my query. "you're in critical condition. doctors said that you've exerted too much movement to what you can actually handle."

"critical, huh..." i've only ever used the word in league, but i'm pretty sure it just all means the same. i let out a heavy sigh. "my parents really made me inherit everything but the wealth and family name. what a shame."

"the doctors said that they can still try saving you through a bunch of chemos and operations," the pastor tried to lift the mood of the room. "i've been praying for you to wake up too. please don't give up just yet, xyren."

i closed my eyes and shook my head; the thought of prolonging my agony and bothering the people around me any further didn't sit right with me -- especially hawthorne. i already owe him a great deal of gratitude and apologies throughout our time, and i didn't want to stretch that any further.

i'm pretty sure that even before all this, he was the one that i tried reaching out to.

"mr. hawthorne, have i told you that during the tournament, i got chased by the media and i ran away from them?"

his sharp cyan eyes widened with a hint of further worry.

hawthorne didn't say a word, so i proceeded. "yeah, that happened. i kind of faded out when i got to the mafia. my body didn't feel the same ever since. during our team building in tokyo too. i may have pushed myself physically too hard to get along with the team."

"w-why didn't you tell me?" hawthorne's voice became raspy, like he was about to cry.

and for some reason, hearing him talk like that to me made me shed a tear or two.

"i... didn't want to burden you."

that stands true, but it made me realize that perhaps despite living mostly in complete silence with this religion-obsessed man, somehow he cared for me. we took care of our own selves living in one apartment room, but he probably looked out for me more than i give him credit for. in my mind, all these years, i just usually let hawthorne be.

"i don't want to push through with those treatments, please," i continued, and even had the guts to let out a small yet weak laugh. hawthorne disliked this reaction from me and his stern face further hardened until he was shedding tears too.

"xyren..."

"i hear you quote this a lot, and i'll quote it now. people have their missions on earth as per your god, right mr. hawthorne?"

the pastor fell even more silent, save from his attempt to stop his tears from falling.

i took a deep breath. "well, i think my mission on earth is coming to an end."

"w-what about your dreams then?" hawthorne tried to reason with me. "your dream to continue with your game. your dreams of becoming a pro?"

"i don't think dreams are enough to keep me alive now, if my body isn't suited to last anyway... as sad as that sounds."

the silence between us got broken by the sounds of the machines attached to me frantically beeping, indicating that were some sort of abnormality happening in my body. hawthorne panicked and quickly jolted out of the room to call a nurse. shortly after, several nurses came in the room to check on me and on the stats given by the machine.

"hey, mr. hawthorne-" i tried to speak, but he was still in a panic and answered me back in an angry and panicky tone.

"don't talk, xyren! you're-"

i just smiled. "tell everyone that i'm sorry. and thank you."

and that was the end of what i remembered before my last breath. the rest were just the sounds of murmurs and inaudible speeches, and everything was pitch black again. perhaps the doctors and nurses have tried saving me, until i just felt nothing anymore. they must have stop trying.

if so, i'm glad. i just want to be a hermit again; alone in my own world, without any external disturbances.