Vanilla+brown sugar (Hyunlix)

It wasn't your fault

Don't ask me how, but I was now crying in Jeongin's chest, while he rubbed my back. Telling me in a kind, almost hushed tone, that it was not my fault. The night started off pretty normal. Jeongin and I ate dinner, took our separate baths, and were sitting on his bed getting to know each other. First, we played a game of 'Would you rather .' Where most of his questions were just him asking me stuff like "Would you rather kiss the cashier at the grocery store or eat raw meat?." For a while, he kept using the same question, but only changing the raw meat part to something more disgusting. At the end of the game, I eventually picked kissing the cashier. He then went on to tell me about his family, childhood, and high school life. I couldn't lie, I was a little envious of his life. He had the perfect family that loved him, had a great childhood, and graduated from high school a few months ago. However, I also felt bad that I wasn't sharing anything with him, while he was sitting there telling me all these things about himself. I didn't want to keep secrets from him, I wanted us to become best friends in the future. I wanted to build a bond with him and that's how the conversation began.

"Hey, Innie ca-can I tell you something," I cowered, bringing my knees to my chest.

"Of course, what's the matter Lix?." His voice was dripping with concern.

"I ran away from home like two days ago." I felt my chest ache. He stayed silent."I lived with my aunt, I don't know where, but she never let me leave the house." I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "My childhood was okay I guess, although she'd scold me for everything, like wanting to play outside. I always had to be obedient and honest. She'd tell me she didn't want me to end up like mom, who ran away with a man who left her in the end. She never let me go to school, I had a tutor for a while until they stopped coming. She gave me everything, like all the books I wanted and she fed me well. But of course, that wasn't enough. She was controlling and always said hurtful things." Jeongin was still silent, but now his face looked like he was about to cry. "Sometimes she'd hurt me too, slap me if I wasn't listening, lock me in the punishment room if I was crying." I heard Jeongin gasp. "The punishment room is a dark room in the house, where she'd lock me for hours until she was satisfied."

"Oh Felix that sounds horrible, she's sick," Jeongin leaned closer, placing his hand on my back and rubbing tiny circles into it.

"I use to think about dying." I was shaking, I've never shared any of this with anybody before. "When I was 15-16, but I don't think about that anymore, in fact, I stopped thinking about that a long time ago. Because I always told myself that one day I'd run away and it took me so long but I did. I'm so mad that she took my life away from me. I wish I had run away a long time ago, but I was scared. Scared that she would do something horrible to me. She told me if I ever tried to escape one day, she'd break my legs. I don't know what her obsession with me is, but I'll never forgive her for everything. I use to think it was my fault, I use to think I was not deserving of love." Tears were running down my face and I was shaking more than before.

Jeongin leaned forward and hugged me. I hid my head in his chest and let the tears fall, he held me tightly so I'd stop shaking. It felt so good telling him that. I had been holding in all these secrets for years. I was always lonely and had nobody to talk to, his embrace felt warm.

"It wasn't your fault Lix, don't say that, you are deserving of love. I know that we just met, but I already love you and this friendship that we have. I'm glad you don't have those thoughts anymore, I'm glad that you continued to live. I want you to continue being happy because you have such a kind heart." Jeongin's voice cracked. "I've been watching you, the way you get excited over the smallest things, like going to the supermarket or walking down the street. The way you look at everything around you like it's going to disappear one day."

I was sobbing now. The kind of sobs that tore through your chest. It was painful. I felt my throat closing up and it was hard for me to talk, but I had said enough.

We remained in that position for a long while. That was my first time being comforted.