What An Old Heart Wants (L.s)

Chapter 38 November/December Pt. 2

Louis's Pov

The sun was brighter then ever, high in the sky that was a baby periwinkle blue. It was clear like water and the wind was a gentle brush to my hair and the trees and brushes that decorated the outdoors of the facility.

I was in a recovery facility where I get daily therapy and sessions to work through my depression, anxiety, trauma and anorexia. This facility was made for people who have the same conditions as me. I go to group therapy in the morning where they give me breakfast and then I have time for myself before having lunch and game time then my therapy session and then dinner.

I was free to do whatever I wanted as long as it didn't cause harm to myself or others. So far, I haven't gotten the urge to cut in about a week. Forcefully, I've been clean since they admitted me in which was about two months ago. And actually, I did feel better.

I've made progress; every single doctor and my therapist have told me that. Even though in the beginning, I was angry and shut everyone out. I didn't eat, I didn't talk, nothing. It wasn't till I couldn't walk or move because I was so malnourished and dehydrated that I forced myself to eat anything within a two miles radius from myself. I had broken down in tears when I did so and my therapist helped me.

He told me that it was ok to help my body grow and be healthy. I didn't believe him but I had to trust him.

So I did.

Which leads me to today, it was about two days before my birthday. I was outside with my therapist who let me decide where I wanted to have my hour and a half session and I chose outside.

Dr. Malcom was his name. But I only called him doctor because that's how we met. When I spat curses at his face and disrespected his own title. Well, now it was a nickname for respect. We had that mutual respect for one another. He knew who I was and well, he knows partly of what has happened in my life.

I told him about the band, my mum and my sister, Fizzy. He knows what happened to them. He knows I love Harry with every bone in my body. He knows how I feel about myself; how I hate myself and how in depth I feel about that. I did hate myself and I felt like a failure, like I can't do anything right.

I did tell him about management. But not about Simon or West...touching me. Only about the stress and the pressure I have on my back. Most of my trauma comes from those visits in the office alone with West and Simon. But I never told anyone about that besides Zayn when it happened to him but I stopped West and Simon from doing it anymore, pledging to him that he could use me however he'd like.

I was a puppet.

"How are you doing today, Louis?" Doctor asked me. He broke me away from my thoughts so I blinked and turned to face him. Doctor was an older guy, a silver fox with matching grey eyes. He had a white beard and wrinkly hands holding a pen and a little journal. I knew that journal was specifically for me. Not his other patients but specifically for me.

How I know that? When we started our sessions, it was empty. Now it was half way full.

I took a deep breath of the fresh air. "I feel ok."

Three words and simple. Easy. I've never felt so at ease to actually talk. Doctor made it surprisingly easy. It actually reminded me of Harry a lot of the time.

He hummed, writing it down. "Your birthday is coming up."

My eyes shut, closing me in darkness. I wish he didn't bring that up. I know my birthday was coming up but there was a strong possibility that I'll be celebrating it alone.

"You're turning twenty-six, right?" Doctor continued so I nodded. "What do you want for your birthday?"

"To be home," I answered quietly, opening my eyes back to the periwinkle sky. It calmed me down to stare up at the sky, feeling a sense of freedom to watch the birds fly by singing their songs. My therapist didn't say anything for a moment.