What if? - Jenlisa

Chapter 47 - Escape

Lisa POV

Every day feels like climbing a steep mountain carrying something heavy on my back weighing me down and draining every ounce of energy I have left. Every night, I lie awake, replaying memories and imagining worst-case scenarios - sleep eludes me. When I finally get the chance to sleep, it feels like I'm trapped in a never-ending cycle of thoughts that I can't even remember the next day. Even sleeping feels so exhausting, and all I know is my mind never stops thinking. I'm tired, a kind of tiredness that even sleep can't relieve.

And I'm fucking tired of being tired.

My thoughts are constantly consumed by regrets and what-ifs. It's as if there's a voice in my head, a cruel critic, constantly reminding me of my shortcomings. "You should have done this and that..." I can't help but blame myself for everything that's happening. Thoughts like "Maybe if I had done things differently" keeps haunting me. And questions in my head, "Why did this happen? Why them?" but there are no answers, just an endless pit of sorrow - it's dark, pitch black. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to escape. It feels like I'm locked inside a prison of my own mind.

First her and now dad. I feel like I was made to lose every person I touch...every people I love.

This feeling of... I don't know, helplessness? It's becoming more suffocating each day, yet I can't find the strength to reach out for help. Even if I wanted to. Every time they are reaching for my hand to pull me out from this darkness even if I badly wanted to grab their hands, it feels like my hands are tied. I can't reach out, I can't escape. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to let anyone in, scared that they'll see the mess inside of me. Or maybe I feel like I'm passing this feeling to them as well. I don't want to burden them with my pain, I don't want to bring them down with me because I know how exhausting this can be. So I hide it, bury it deep inside where no one could see it. I feel like I don't have much choice but to walk in this darkness alone. Or maybe I just don't want to reach for their hands because deep down I know I deserve it.

It's a constant battle to keep going, to find a reason to push through the pain. Losing interest in anything, like I'm watching the world around me slowly lose its colors. It feels exhausting to pretend to be okay when everything inside feels like it's tearing apart piece by piece. So it feels a little better to just hide in my room, where I don't have to talk or smile and be anything they expect me to be - I no longer have the strength to keep up the facade of being okay.

It's been almost a week since we returned home, but I still can't find the strength to face her. I don't know why. I just... can't.

"Your mom called me," a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. It was Jisoo, leaning on the doorframe of my room with her arms crossed. "You didn't let us know you were back." I sighed and choked as I respond, "Yeah, we're back."

"I can see that," Jisoo scoffed as she walked into my room.

"Jennie's been asking about you, and I don't know what to tell her anymore," she continued and sat beside me on the bed. "When are you going to tell her?" All I can do is stare blankly at the ceiling.

"I know... it's hard, but at least let her know what you're going through," Jisoo urged with concern in her voice. "You can't carry all things alone. Let us share that weight with you." And I couldn't find a word to respond other than, "I'm fine."

"You're doing it again," Jisoo mumbled softly as she gently placed her hand on my shoulder. "You keep saying you're fine, but it's clear that you're not. You're shutting everyone out, including your mom." Jisoo's words hit me like a punch to my gut. I want to say something but it feels like those words were trapped inside me. Instead, I ended up saying...