Dear diary
Actually managed to sleep okay last night
probably cos the crying made my eyes sleepy
I was on ft with harisa last night for a while and then as I was about to sleep, tash texted me and needed me. I think even when I'm at the lowest point of my life, the people in my life know they can count on me if they need me. Harisa said that I always put everyone's happiness before my own which probably is true with me, if I see you happy then I'm happy.
And then I slept. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything. I just cuddled my big pillow I have, more like a cushion, buried my face in it, and slept. My eyes couldn't take any more crying
Woke up this morning feeling a little empty. I forced myself to go back to sleep. Think I'm meeting the girls later and think I'm picking them up from work - that building I don't ever wanna step foot into again. Not for a while. If walls could speak they'd share how good we were, how we wrestled with each other on the 7th floor and how we raced each other up the stairs. How he drove his car around to see me and pulled me into him and tickled me in his lap when he was sat in the drivers side
Doctors appt this morning wasn't good - The dreaded C word was brought up
She asked me about stress , as stress is a big factor. I told her about that night in the Uber a few nights ago when I didn't have a lift. He wouldn't let me leave. He did eventually after. I told her other stuff. How lately when me and iehab go out we are always harassed by men. We don't even do anything. We are literally walking and talking. Even when we are in the car. It makes me feel so unsafe. And I know what women wear shouldn't justify men's actions, but we were both fully covered and I wasn't even wearing my skinny jeans or dresses, I was wearing my comfy clothes. Iehab even locked the car once cos we were parked up and a guy on a bike stopped riding and literally walked over to us and kept making suggestive comments with his hands and face and was inviting us inside his house. Me and iehab were literally sat in the car talking. This was broad daylight too. Even feeling unsafe plays a factor in social stress.
I forced myself to have a shower and now I'm sat on my bed in my towel. Wondering where the hell it all went wrong I swear I wanted to work it out and just have a break I thought that would work I didn't want it to end.
I'm tempted to drive down to my fave places but o took him there and it'll just remind me of him. I was gonna go to b rock. This time last year he sent me pics of him reading at b rock and said he missed me when I was in Iran.
Doesn't he want us to work this out too?
I haven't cried. Yet. I told myself not to. I shed a few tears in the shower but I feel just how I did in December. I can't bring myself to eat. Iehab texted me asking me to come to eat with them after work but I can't. I shut down when I'm sad and with my health right now it's not good for me to not eat. I'll probably cry the entire drive there. I want to be strong. I want to act like it doesn't bother me, like it doesn't affect me. But how can I? That's not me. I'm confused
I don't understand what he said about his friend, the fact that I'm all in? Isn't that how it should be? Both people be all in?
This time last week I saw him and fell asleep next to him. I wrote about it, need to upload it but I don't wanna read it because it'll pain me. I wrote how I love his cuddles. Is this the wrong time to say I'm craving the snickers ice cream 💀 start my period next week
Been avoiding going downstairs. My eyes give it away. I just want to know what's happening between us.
I told iehab I don't mind coming down if it's just me and her. The weather is nice , would be nice to spend time away from my thoughts
I genuinely feel sick though. It's a blessing and a curse to feel everything as deeply as I do. When I'm sad I'm really sad
I'm sad and I don't want to waste away by not eating but I can't bring myself to. My health is serious
The beach would be nice. And then chill and watch a film in the car. We do this and bring blankets if the weather is bad
I just had a breakfast biscuit and watching friends from the start. I watch my comfort shows all the time. Think I'm staying over tashs soon, i like sleeping over hers. Will start getting ready to meet iehab later.
This shampoo I've used is actually so good and it's made my hair soft and really curly. I've bought a conditioner too but I didn't use that today.
I kinda like how I look today despite feeling sad. It's given me a bit of a boost. And honestly I know I'm such a good person like I care and love so much. I know he's going to a funeral tomorrow and literally wanna make sure he's okay. He probably won't say much but like I jus think about everything. And after everything and the doctors, i think I really just need to live life. I was gonna bring up the doctors when I was with A last week but I didn't wanna dampen it. And I would have told him today about it after the appt but I guess it's okay. Just Something else I have to keep to myself.
Lol it's national girlfriend day today please 😭😂
I'm working later this week but I'm not gonna push it too much with work during summer. In hindsight I was crazy doing placement to work then placement. No wonder my health declined.
I started learning experience by Einaudi on the piano. I feel a little better today and I get why he was confused of that Snapchat AI text, genuinely didn't mean to paste that and I eventually kept what I wrote anyway. I was more confused about where it was all going. I still am confused tho
I'm so confused by what he meant when he said "this might sound harsh but I need you to respect yourself". Does he want me to end it? I'm so confused. I actually can't stop thinking about that. Am I disrespecting myself by wanting to try and make it work? I dunno what he means😭
I brushed my hair and tried to plait it from behind on the top the way my mum does and harisa does for me but I can't do it myself. Need to get ready to leave in a bit . I just want chill vibes tonight
