Dear diary,
a lot happened at the gp consultation, I wonder why he gave me an abdomen exam as well. I tried to bend it a bit when telling A.
they seem to think it presents as a tumour. Had the cancer talk. Where to find info online. Who to talk to. All that jazz lol I need to figure out a way to tell my family and friends. Not sure if there's any point doing a scan. Two healthcare professionals examined it
need to figure out if it's benign or malignant.
Good thing is he said it hasn't grown since last time. He said a breast surgeon is gonna have a look at it too. I think that'll be an upcoming appt. But he wasn't good at hiding his reactions and questions. The gp I'm on about.
He said stress, diet and sleep are big factors. Specifically stress.
Actually I don't think I'll tell anyone. Not yet. Maybe I'll book that hair cut tho lol. Or get my hair treated with As sister and a hair cut or a diff style at the same time.
I was looking at holidays last night to go, we almost booked Egypt for next week but I found one cheaper for November. I need a break. Yesterday really messed with my mind, as it would with anyone going through what I'm going through. So I wanted to go on holiday. An escape.
I'm meeting iehab tonight as I don't have placement this entire week. she wants to go for food but I kinda just wanna sit in the car and chill and chat. I've had breakfast late so I doubt I'll be that hungry later.
I'll see how it goes and maybe I'll tell her. But I can't do that to the people I love. I just can't wallah. There's cool ways to tell people you have cancer. Like with a cake. So it doesn't seem as bad. But for the time being I don't want to tell anyone.
I'm hoping they're wrong and the scan says it's something else.
I think im in shock I haven't processed it yet. I'm always like this with big news. I always process it later or at night. I was so tired last night, even tho I had a nap, I fell asleep right after I finished Angela Black on Netflix. I fell asleep instantly
He (the doctor) asked me if there's been big changes in my life or if anything has caused stress. I was like not really. He weighed me to track weight loss with no appetite that comes with cancer. I was like I promise you I don't weigh that much cos wtf. I was 58.4 kg in the weighing scales at placement that was last week.
Anyways.
Who would have thought 😂
I've slept loads today.
My nose also randomly bled when I was on call with A last night. Like completely random I wasn't even feeling nauseous or anything.
It's a lot to take in. I think I'm really good at keeping things to myself. Even yesterday at the gp , when we were sat in the waiting room, me and A were talking about this situation with my sister and he was like it's a bit shit isn't it and I was like ah it's fine it happens and he's like no but it's not fine. I realised then how much I play stuff down even in my own head. I act like it's fine. Of course it's not fine I don't even know how to talk/text my own sister. I haven't had a relationship with her for 6 years.
The gp asked if Im a stressed out person or if I have anyone to talk to or if I keep things to myself. I was like nah it's fine like I'm quite chilled but overthink some stuff.
They keep asking if I might be pregnant as well and I said I just came off my period. I know I'm not pregnant there's just no way.
But let's talk about the day.
Firstly I'm so so so thankful A came down. The tyre thing I couldn't have done without him. Not even on my own. Like yeh I realised they were the same ethnicity but still, a place full of men? It was a little intimidating , so I'm glad he was there. I wouldn't have wanted to be alone. When I went to pay A stayed by my car and even tho I was chatting to the guy in Persian, i wanted A there cos like, what if he was gonna do something. Yeh I come across as chatty but deep down if I don't know you and I'm surrounded by men, I'm gonna be scared lol.
We went for food and stuff well I was hungry so I wanted McDonald's. And then Starbucks. And then home bargains. He was so sweet yesterday although I think I have one or two bruises 😭😂
Speaking of intimidating, I told him I used to find him intimidating at times in work and then he was like is this intimidating? So he put his one arm on my seat and then his other arm on the steering wheel if that makes sense and I lied like no that isn't intimidating but honestly it was hot🥵😂 like you know in films when the guy puts their hands in between the girls head leaning on the wall? He's done that before too. Me and tash were on about this actually a few months ago lol. Like when it's hot when a guy does that. Anyways😂
They have a bunch of Christmas decor in home bargains and I fully actually cannot wait for Christmas I love it.
I tried to play it down how I was feeling the entire time after the gp. I'm glad he didn't ask too many questions. I think he knows I'll tell him gradually when I feel like it. When we were cuddling and stuff like when my head was on his lap, I did say I was feeling a little stressed out and worried with this thing. With me, I let it out slowly 😂 unless I'm really upset and stressed and annoyed that's when I snap and cry lol.
He tried to teach me how to parallel park but I think iqsa has the most patience with me and iehab when it comes to parking 😂 she came back from Hong Kong the other day, actually iqsa should come out with us tonight. I kinda miss her
I just looked at my nails and realised he cut my one nail, so I need to cut the rest haha
A also asked me how it felt to be exposed like that in the gp like when the male gp had to examine me. Obviously it's not a nice feeling. I forgot to ask for a female gp I didn't even realise I could have a male one until I was sat in the waiting room. But he wasn't like giving me creepy vibes and plus I didn't have to take my bra off. I told the gp I didn't want to anyway. I have to get used to it tho. A whole team is gonna be looking at them. It feels like a violation and no privacy but if it's gonna make me feel better then I have to come to terms with it.
It was a chilled day, I went home and napped I was so tired but I didn't sleep much. I had a little cry and my mum also accidentally woke me up.
And then I distracted myself from my thoughts until bed. I deleted like 2k screenshots lol.
I need to do this thing for work as well, I'll do that now actually.
So now , I'm still really really tired. I should probably take my iron tablet. I was gonna go for a walk or go gym but I kinda just wanna stay inside cos I'm going out later. Maybe tidy my room a little. And pretend my life is normal and that I'm not dying lol.
It could be worse I guess. And I still have hope that the scan will show something different.
So for the time being I'm just gonna try and be happy and make time for friends and family and be my normal self and don't let anyone know what I'm going through or what's on my mind
I wanna go karting but iehab hates it
I'll see if A wants to go next week or something idk
Bye diary
——
Have a night shift on Thursday night. Would be nice actually it's been a while since I've worked the 12 hour shift in wards. Wonder who I'm working with.
Think it'll be busy though
Just completed my e learning
Was debating going out with iehab. But I wanna see her, she's my best friend.
I just don't wanna die young. I can't wrap my head around my body is killing me. I have cancer?
Apparently there's a 5 year survival rate . I need to stop stressing myself out
