Dear diary
I've kinda had a self care day today.
I don't know what's up with me but it seems like I'm feeling worse each day. I couldn't get out of bed today. I feel nauseous and so tired a lot of the time. And I'm so tired right now.
I watched a few films and kinda just did my own thing and read a book. Tashs fave book that she gifted me for my bday, I told her I'd read that.
I had a bubble bath using the Lush gift set iehab got me and it smelt amazing and left my skin so smooth and soft and then I did a bit of my skincare. I also read a book in the bath too. First time doing that.
I really don't feel good and I don't know how to explain it when someone asks how I'm feeling. I sometimes think it's easier to just say "I'm fine".
Idk what to do when we meet up with me and A. If we do. With my close friends it's quite easy. We don't have to have a motive. Like me and Iehab for example will meet up, go for ice cream or Starbucks or whatever and then sit and talk in the car, or watch a film in the car or go for walks. But I feel like with him, he has to be doing something when we meet up like we can't just sit in the car and talk whereas I don't mind doing that.
A didn't even wanna do a movie night cos he thinks I'll fall asleep but it shouldn't even matter if I fall asleep or not like as long as we spend time together, right? That's how I see it anyways. Like I'd happily watch a movie next to him and if I fall asleep then I fall asleep.
At this point I can't help it. I seriously can't. My body is so drained and don't feel good that it just falls asleep. I can't control it. It's due to my health and feeling quite weak.
I'm falling asleep as I'm typing this.
Iehab just called me and I spoke to her for a bit but I told her I'm quite tired and ready to sleep.
Urgh I don't feel good.
I'm also hungry but I went to eat something but I couldn't bring myself to physically eat anything idk why. So I just had an Oreo instead.
I'm in bed now and ready to sleep and brushed my teeth and done everything I need to.
The only thing I haven't done is put oils in my hair and plait my hair. But it's fine.
Im seeing Iehab tomorrow. Which is why I said no to work cos me and iehab already made plans the other day for Saturday. We are just gonna sit and chat tbh. She wants to return some stuff and I also wanna try this place in town. I feel like we shouldn't go bay cos A doesn't like it and I get it cos even last time me and iehab went bay only a few days ago, some men (Muslim) were being proper creepy even in public with other people around us. They were cat calling us basically. We didn't pay any attention to them.
It's not like we wear slutty clothes or show skin. We were both wearing skirts. I normally wear dresses in hot weather but I wore a skirt that night and it wasn't the tight fitting ones either. It was a nice cute straight one. Not flared but not tight either.
I don't get it. It sucks that we have to find somewhere else to go and chill just because guys don't make us feel safe.
But I love the scenery at night time in bay it's so pretty.
A was telling me to get referred for my bleeds. But it's not just my bleeds it's everything. Down to my tiredness, my insane headaches I've been getting lately. My nausea and feeling sick. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night cos I feel nauseous but I fall back asleep. Like I won't be able to lie on my stomach. I just don't feel good. My appetite comes and goes. Haven't had much of an appetite today cos I didn't feel good but I ate well yesterday.
I'm also a little scared to get referred idk why. I'm worried if it is actually something. The word cancer has been brought up a few times in consultations and even in work the other day. My blood was pouring out my nostrils, normally it's just my right nostril but it was both that night and I felt awful. Anyone could see I wasn't good.
It was dripping on the floor, my blood was all up on the wards and bless one of the nurses kept cleaning the floors after me and told me to sit in one place. It was all over my uniform and my arms cos I was trying to stop it or it would randomly come on. I was so light headed.
I'm so happy A picked me up that night. I wouldn't have felt safe even in a taxi with my state. They could have taken advantage. I guess? Idk.
I fell asleep instantly in his car. I think he seems to think I fall asleep anywhere but I truly think it's my body knowing where I feel safe.
It's actually a thing.
Maybe more a female thing than male since females are typically targeted more.
But you just have this gut feeling when you're around someone bad or bad vibes somewhere.
I always follow the saying "listen to your gut feeling"
Your body naturally knows sometimes where you feel safe. There have been many times I've felt so tired I could sleep but I fight it cos idk if I'd be safe or not. But I know I'm safe around A. I've always had that feeling with him.
There's even a saying that says, when you love someone, make sure you feel safe around them, like instinctively and naturally.
Talking of feeling safe. Placement starts soon for ten weeks. I want to go to Weston. I think I've been mentally stressing about that too. I don't want to be touched or assaulted.
Good night diary
Omg I'm so hungry.I'm starving
