Dear diary
It's Saturday 14th October , 7:10am.
I had a bad dream and I've been awake ever since. It felt like the shortest night ever cos I can't believe it's 7am. I wish it was like 4am so I could have gone back to sleep. I don't even feel like I've slept.
Luckily I was so tired last night I was gone as soon as I put my phone away.
I tried to go back to sleep but I have too much on my mind. I actually don't think I've been this stressed out with life in years. Actually I don't think I've ever been this stressed out with life. It's the worst, self sabotaging feeling I've ever had.
I don't even know where to begin.
This stress isn't good for me and it's so funny cos I told myself that 2023 will not be as stressful as 2022, like I wouldn't let it be stressful. This last month, and onwards is gonna be stressful as hell. Now look at me. I'm practically dying cos of stress.
I have a lot more to write about; my day yesterday, (it started off bad then ended good). Just everything. But I decided to quickly write how stressed out I'm feeling cos my chest is hurting again and I have heart palpitations. I thought writing about it might alleviate some stress but it hasn't.
I even had a bad dream lol, I haven't had a bad dream in so long, like an actual nightmare.
Even the car is stressing me out, I paid too much for a taxi yesterday.
I know I'm young and whatever happens now, might not matter that much in a few years time, this might just be a slight bump in the road but right now it feels like a massive pothole with irreversible damage. I tried telling myself that yesterday. But it feels incredibly significant right now and no matter what I do, no matter how much I try and I can't help but feel helpless and hopeless. I have hope don't get me wrong. I do. In fact, not having hope (in Islam) is a big sin cos you should always have hope and faith in God, but sometimes it's hard to be optimistic all the time.
Someone in work straight up looked at me and was like damn you look tired. (I was thinking to myself it's cos of everything I'm going through right now)
And then someone else in work saw me for the first time in a few weeks and was like you've lost a lot of weight are you okay? I've never seen you this thin. Make sure you go eat.
That's when I realised it's all starting to show. I can't even hide it anymore.
My nose just started bleeding, I'm back now.
I wish I could explain how I feel but I can't. And I know I said I'd talk about yesterday later cos it's too long to get into, but I'm so glad A was there to speak to. He spoke softly and listened to me and genuinely gave good advice, he empathised with me and honestly calmed me. I'm glad I felt like I could go to him for help as well. For the longest time, I've felt like I can't open up to anyone or keep everything to myself, well I'm glad I've got him I can go to and confide in , he actually said something about nose bleeds and even as I was crying, he made me laugh lol
Honestly I'm really looking forward to next Thursday. It's gonna be a once in a lifetime experience and I think it'll be really good for me too. I genuinely can't wait. It's one of the things I've been telling myself to look forward to when things get like this.
I'm gonna see if I can go back to sleep, I know everything happens for a reason. I might even die young, for a reason. But it's hard to find out what the reasons are when you don't know anything about the future.
Honestly? Between me and you? I'm scared.
(My nose just bled heavily again)
I managed to fall back asleep, just woke up
