Dear diary, - from a few days ago (2/8/23) I debated uploading this cos I'm no longer this sad but my emotions and thoughts were so raw at the time of writing. I no longer feel this way really but no harm in posting.
After being on FaceTime with harisa I felt a lot better. (I remember being on ft with A and him asking me random general knowledge questions) She made me laugh a few times and I appreciated it a lot. I appreciate her.
But then she got deep with me and told me how it is . And wallah I kid you not she started crying. She started crying FOR me. I've never seen a friend, cry for me.
I opened up to her. I told her I just want things to be the way they were. How he probably hates me or acts like it. I asked her did I really mean that little to someone? Should I have loved less? I told her I'm hurting a lot . Just like in December. I didn't expect to see myself feeling the exact same feelings a few months later. I told her I hate feeling this sad and weak. I hate that I care so much.
She looked at me and started crying and said wallah heliya you're so pure. You're so precious. She said I wish you could see all these amazing qualities you have. She said any guy would be lucky to have you. She said your smile, your eyes, your eyelashes, your laughter. (Not too long ago he pulled me into him and commented on my dimple and smile...)
She kept saying you're so fun to be around. You make everyone so happy. And I replied with "apparently not" cos he doesn't see me that way.
She started crying. Like actual tears down her cheeks. I've never seen anyone cry when describing me, she said my heart hurts for you, my heart aches for you that you don't see this in yourself. That you think less of yourself because of what he said about not lighting up the room. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. She said you have the softest heart I've come across and you're so pure, your love is so pure. Anyone would love to be loved by you.
I was silent when she was saying all this. It hurts. It hurts to know I know I'm a good person but the one person who you value , that special person, just doesn't see that.
And you know what hurts the most. Is that im hoping he calls or texts saying let's sort this out. Sometimes I find myself wanting to hate him but I can't. I can't hate him. I can't ever hate him. I don't think I hate anyone in my life. It's such a strong word.
I feel stupid and pathetic for being the one who cares. For being the one who wants it to work and try. He must care . How can you not care about someone you love. I know he cares with the way he physically treats me. With the way he's looking at cars for me. The forehead kisses.
I was out with iehab yesterday and saw a biker and a guy walked up to it with the exact same bike suit thing that A has and I had to do a double take cos I was like what?? Obviously wasn't him. But I remember the day he biked up here when I wasn't allowed my phone and I wrote him a note and left it on his bike, think it said something like I love you mongo. Or something.
I remember when he fought for me and I saw his car on my street when I didn't have my phone, and then every night after that I waited for him to come back again. I think I wrote that in a book I gave him to read and forgot I had it in there and he sent me a pic of my annotation and he said "aw did you really wait for me".
I just want him to fight again. To care as much as I do.
I mean idk anything maybe he is sad like I am, "assumption is the mother of all fuck ups" lol. Idk .
When I was out with iehab and iqsa the other night we went to Tesco at night and I was like Tesco at night is a vibe. And I paused and realised the significance of what I just said and realised it was the EXACT same sentence I said to A when we went to Tesco during that night shift. I said Tesco is a vibe at night and he said what? And I said a vibe. And he laughed. And then I got the snickers ice cream and he got the Ben and Jerrys cookie dough. I also got the pesto salad and used his cutlery. That reminds me his mums cutlery is still in my room. I even remmeber the songs I played in his car. There needs to be scientific studies on my memory😂
It pains me to know I remember things so vividly.
Even the stupid lay bys. We once drove down there and he said I've done something with a girl in this lay by once. Just cute stuff like that.
And when I wore his hoodie down in b rock. And that log that I've carved my name into. I wanna go there to see if it's still there.
I just don't want to be this sad. I seriously, seriously, seriously didn't envision my summer like this. At all. All I wanted was a change. That both of us work together. I thought that day at pen fan would change things.
Cos yesterday he confused me. He said three different things.
He must know how I feel right now. He knows me and the person I am. If he doesn't care about me at all, then he owes me my entire heart. He owes me sleep. He owes me a thousand tears. He owes me my appetite. But he must care. I don't believe he doesn't care.
I've just taken a deep breath.
He says he's a man of his word. He says he hates letting down anyone including me. He knows I just want to discuss things.
Sometimes I wish I could read your mind.
But then, I wonder if I could handle the truth. Although A says it as it is. If he doesn't like you, then he'd say it.
I told myself that I'd start writing in that two years with you story this summer that I have on my other Wattpad account. I remember telling him I didn't want him to read it and he said he would wait two years to read it when I've completed it. I was gonna wait until summer when I had no uni to write in it and finish it. But I can't even bring myself to. I'd have to go through all the memories to write it down. I might later. He's even commented in it
All I want right now is for us to discuss things. I just want him to want to save this and improve this like I do.
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So I wrote that when I was in my feels. I no longer feel all that. I think I definitely needed those few days to myself to have space and gather my emotions and thoughts. I mean it's okay to feel all that, that's what this diary is for . To get all my thoughts out. But I think I've changed my mentality since then.
