Dear diary,
My mood has been all over the shop floor today, it's actually annoying. I've lost track of how many times I cried and how many times I was irritated and how many times I was happy all within an hour. Tash was like you good?😂😭
I woke up early and for some reason I got back into bed and fell asleep and missed my first lecture 💀😂 i don't think I've ever done that before like I've slept through before but waking up being fully awake and then falling asleep was new to me lol. I even got half dressed for uni but fell asleep.
I did eventually end up going to uni, I was starving when I woke up, I had toast and uni was alright nothing exciting, PBL work.
I woke up during the night around 3-4am but managed to sleep.
I had such a good time with tash today, we decided against ice skating cos the weather but we had a day out in tescos and McDonald's and other stuff lol, you just make the most of it and have a good time doing small things.
I got the giggles so bad and I laughed until I cried but it was the type of giggle when you're not meant to laugh so everything's funnier, I haven't had that type of laugh in a while and it was so funny. I did some shopping for myself, I could have technically asked my parents for a few of things I got today, as a Christmas gift but I don't want them spending any money on me, so I just got it all myself. There was more I wanted but I had to say no to myself and save some money. I'm quite good like that, like I let myself indulge but I know when to say no.
We both went looking for advent calendars and I was so upset cos they didnt have any. I actually cried. And cried some more when I got home. I really want an advent calendar I have one almost every year.
Tash got hyper at the end and we literally started grunting at each other and making the weirdest noises to each other instead of talking😂
We also talked about sex briefly. I opened up to her how I find it so hard to ride? Like why? And she actually said she struggles as well and it made me feel so much better cos I thought it was just me and I actually feel a little insecure about it. I'm so glad A doesn't make me feel bad about it.
I played Christmas songs in the car and got myself feeling happy but for some reason I was shattered when I came home. I resisted napping so much cos I wanted to spend time with my sister and BIL, but I ended up going to my room after a while. She honestly means well, she just wanted to spend some time together and we did for a while and we played games and did challenges and punishments and it was really fun like we blindfolded each other and had to guess the food they put in our mouth (I got it all right being the foodie I am lol - it was difficult cos some of it was Persian herbs and spices, my BIL told my sister to put coffee powder in my mouth and I said the first three letters before I choked cos it was too strong 😂😂)
But then me and my sister got into a little spat cos I wasn't in the mood and she was insisting on doing something and eventually I went to my room, and yes, I cried, I cried cos of a few diff things, and still cried about the advent calendar too 😭😂 I was in a shit mood for a while, even when my mum came home from work, I still stayed in my room and was tempted not to eat dinner, but I got over it cos I was a little peckish lol. I was really moody earlier tho ngl which is why I went to my room to be alone. I ended up ordering dessert and it was so tasty, even my mum who's not a fan of desserts from outside, said she thinks sprinkles has really good donuts (Morrisons will forever be my fave tho)
A was really nice about the weight thing: He made me feel better about it ngl but if I'm being truthful, I don't like how much I've been thinking about her weight comment.
Idk I feel a little sad with it all and it's difficult to explain. I just really don't want to go back to the old mentality I had a few years ago for years. It took me ages to get out of it, and my friends and family helped me a lot. I need to work on myself to not be like that again. Cos I don't really consider myself an insecure person, and you only have one life so I don't want to waste it thinking I can't eat certain food again or this or that. I'm blessed to have the life I have. Urgh idk. It's a difficult mindset to have. Cos I know it's wrong and I know what's right but it's hard to change your own thoughts.
I wish she never said it, cos I've not felt this way in years and I blame her.
Oh I'm in bed now writing this, I'm wearing short shorts and a pink top. Shorts in this weather is crazy but I'm so warm. Which I should be grateful for cos I feel so bad for the homeless. I'm actually wearing white shorts which is a bit of a bold move cos I could start my period overnight but I doubt it. I think I'll start Wednesday night.
I had bad cramps earlier today but I've not had any for the rest of the day, only mild cramps.
Omg I'm so tired I've been tired all day today, I get really tired around my period too, this is completely normal too.
We also had a little quiz just now that my BIL made and it was actually really fun. And H texted me saying someone in her family died so I called her but she didn't pick up. I was gonna finally give her , her bday gifts that have been in my room but now I don't think it's the right time to give them. She might not be in tomorrow.
Iehab wanted to see me tomorrow but I can't do tomorrow. I do wanna spend time with my sister as well. I took a pic of her today without her knowing, cos she looked so beautiful mashAllah. I do that a lot sometimes. I'm such a photographer, everyone in my family know it. My grandma always used to call me the secret family photographer cos I'd take candid pics of people for my own sake. For my memories. And I never regret it cos at the end of the day, pictures are all we are left with sometimes.
But yeh my sister looked so beautiful today, so I took a pic of her . I also take pics of my family and friends, even A, I take pics of the things I love and cherish. Of moments I wanna remember. Of anything. I even voice recorded me and my grandads conversations and filmed my conversations with my grandma and it'll come up on my snap memories and I'm so happy I did it cos I get to hear their voice again.
I'm crying again😭😭😭 I miss them so much.
My grandad always used to call me Assal, which is Persian / Farsi for Honey. He always used to say I was sweeter than honey. I always said if I had a daughter, her middle name will be Assal.
I'd do anything for him to call me that again. I'm actually bawling my eyes out now. I miss him so much. I miss my grandparents. I wish they knew how much I loved them. I don't think I ever actually said to them I love them, but I always hugged them. I remember when I went to their grave for the first time in Iran, I sobbed and sobbed. My eyes are gonna be puffy tomorrow lol.
I also want a baby so bad right now. I think it's cos I was around my baby cousin and I just want a baby and I can't wait to be a mum inshAllah. I'll love them endlessly. I love them and they aren't even born 😂 I'm still crying btw lol
I almost cried on call to A when he said he was getting Mrs Potts I was livid and so upset, I actually felt my voice shake but I kept it together 😂😂
I got tash a pandora ring today, I actually quite like the ring, it's a moon and sun ring, I love the moon ring it looks really pretty ngl. I asked her ring size today. I didn't buy it in front of her, I bought it online when I came home. So that's her Christmas present sorted. I'll get her chocolate too. I never get anyone just one gift idk why.
My boobs feel bigger , I look forward to taking my bra off when I'm home lol. They get bigger on my period. They hurt a lot
I also accidentally walked downstairs without my hijab today, I completely forgot I have to wear one in front of my BIL. I don't know what went through my head but I just didn't remember to wear one. You should have seen the look on my mums face😂😂
I've heard that happens with periods too like you get foggy brain. Maybe that's why I randomly got half dressed for uni today and fell back asleep lol. H always used to say she feels foggy brain when she's on, and now I get it lol. I just googled and apparently a lot of women get foggy brain when they're on as well lol.
Wow we really deal with a lot don't we 🥲
My gp phone appt is tomorrow, around 11:30. I wonder if they'll tell me the results of my scan.
I also bought some dental stuff today , a new mouthwash and a new toothbrush head and I have floss and idk I just loveeee taking care of my teeth and hygiene and yeah. I know we are blessed to be able to do this cos a lot of people don't have access to good hygiene or can't afford it.
I feel so strange right now. A mix of sad, calm and absolutely shattered. If you can make sense of my words and thoughts put into writing then you're actually a genius
I need to sleep I'm gonna struggle tomorrow
Good night diary
I hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow
And I've finally stopped crying
23:19pm
