Dear diary,
I just came home. Wasn't out long. I have a lot to say but not at the same time. I'm exhausted. I'm mentally exhausted. She called me when I was sleeping, I didn't even realise I fell asleep, I was watching something and was that tired, I fell asleep.
I'll always be there for my friends, I'll always be there for everyone. I feel like I'm there for everyone but myself. I don't even know what to write on here. The other day someone said their sister died of breast cancer.
You know when you start looking to buy a car and then all of a sudden you start seeing that car brand on the streets everywhere you go? It's like that. All of a sudden I'm getting cancer research ads and cancer this and cancer that. I don't want my life to be like this. All of a sudden people are telling me about people they know who have died of cancer and for some reason it happens to be breast.
I was gonna tell him tonight about the thing, I kinda felt ready, just thought we could talk a bit and hang out but when he said he's tired and wanted to go home, I decided against telling him, I didn't wanna make him stay. Maybe I'll tell him next time.
when the gp first said they think it's an adenoma, I told A first. I told iehab later. cos iehab said have you told A he deserves to know. What he doesn't know is, he's the first one I told about it all. He's the first one I told when I got the cancer referral and he's the first I told about them saying it's a suspected adenoma. He called me when I was driving to my night shift in work and I was telling him and the line was cutting off and then he said he'll just meet me in work instead and he got me a bunch of snacks bless him and the noodles. So I then called iehab to tell her after I spoke to A and that's when she said have you told A, and I was like I just half told him and will tell him now when I see him when I park up in work.
I think your partner should be the first to know cos they're the one you love and trust most. I mean I guess it depends on how you feel with who you tell. It's no one's decision but mine. And so far, no one knows. I don't even know if I even wanna tell anyone. I'm constantly changing my mind. They've all got their own things going on.
During our argument a few weeks ago, A made an insensitive comment about cancer, I never brought it up after cos he apologised.
I said to him what if it is cancer and he raised his voice and was like well you'll just deal with it you aren't the first person to have it. I was shocked when he said that.
But I think I'm beginning to feel like I need support. He had said he wished he could have come to my gp appt this week for support and I appreciate that greatly.
I don't want him to tell me I'll just deal with it or I'm not the only one, cos I know all this. I don't need to hear those words.
I wish I held onto that hug a little longer tonight with him. A hug from the right person can be so comforting, he's my safe place, I feel safe around him. But I let go quite fast, it's cos I knew he was tired and wanted to be home.
Well diary, and readers who have no idea who I am, you're officially the only people who know what's going in my life and in my head.
A lot happened today that I really seriously don't want to write about, I cba. Placement this and friends that and just, idk. I did paint my nails though 💅🏽 lol. I love painting my nails.
I'm a little hungry and want square pizza I've been craving that for ages but it's almost 10 pm.
He brought down the charger, brand new, I'm actually really good at keeping chargers, I don't bend them or whatever. I'm actually a bit thing with who I lend my charger to. Actually I'm not, whoever asks I give to them, even random people in work, but in my head I keep thinking "please don't bend it please don't bend it" . That's why I labelled it "Heliya's charger" cos in Iran my cousins would use it and they knew not to bend it 😂 I'm thankful he brought it down. He also brought my almond milk , I'm actually excited to have that tomorrow😂 and my candle bless him. I was actually thinking of that candle the other day. In fact lll light it now. I wasn't expecting to see it so it was a nice surprise.
I hope he knows I'm genuinely grateful and these things don't go unnoticed with me. I'm thankful and loyalty and reciprocation means a lot to me, so I'm aware of what he does.
I feel better actually I can't lie. Thinking about him and the things he brought made me happy lol.
I'll get ready for bed, shower and things. I had a shower before I left home but I'll have another one. I tend to have two sometimes when I'm on my period.
Sue from work had just sent me a video lol. I wonder what it could be, another racist meme?? Lol. I love that woman.
Good night diary
21:48pm
The candle smells incredibleeeeee. It's the thought that matters to me the most like when someone goes out and they buy a gift when you're not there like they thought of you and things.
Cherries probably my fave scent or one of. I love Yankee candle.
I'm in bed now, not under the covers just lying on my bed, in my hoodie and joggers and it feels so relaxing.
If only every day was as relaxing and as peaceful as how I feel right now. I'm just staring at the candle. I don't even wanna get back to anyone for the rest of the night.
