Diary from last night after spending the evening with iehab.
Dear diary,
I just got home from being with Iehab. Wasn't much traffic on the way, I parked at hers and waited for her to drop iqsa home and come to hers as well. We were both hungry ; shock, I actually had a little bit of an appetite today. She wanted to go to this place called bennys. She goes there often and told me it's good. I got a wrap and peri peri fries. And then we ate it in her car. It was actually good . We stayed and chatted for ages until we drove back to hers and chatted in the car . We made a brief stop at Tesco cos I wanted water (I bought a bottle that had a flip cap instead of one that you have to twist cos I don't have the strength for it) and a snack and she got a meal deal for work tomorrow. And then drove to hers and stayed in the car and talked.
We talked about a lot. Obviously stuff in my life with A and stuff with her life too. And then we sat in each others presence whilst we went on TikTok. And then I felt really overwhelmed and broke. I didn't cry, but I had tears in my eyes. Iehab is the one person I can tell anything to and she will never judge me. I trust her with my life.
Also the bennys didn't sit well with either of us and our stomachs were hurting afterward. I can be who I am with her.
I opened up to her a lot. Everything on my mind. What's happening? What is happening in my life? I don't get it.
I'm so overwhelmed and feel so empty and sad?
The drive up I listened to Einaudi and the drive home I put my sad playlist on. I listen to my sad playlist even if I'm not sad cos I think I have the best songs on there. I ended up crying. I didn't even expect myself to.
I told myself I'd never cry the way I did back in December again. But I found myself crying a little today. Crying in a vehicle where I'm safe from the outside world and no one will hear me. Crying at night in the rain. I filled up on petrol on the way home and now I'm home. I wiped my tears away before coming home, actually I wiped them when I was doing petrol so no one would think anything, although there's nothing wrong with crying. I remember I was somewhere once and a lady got out of her car and she was just absolutely bawling her eyes out like you could tell she just finished crying. I get it.
I told Iehab, why me? Why do I feel emotions so strongly? Why is my heart so soft? Why is it so hard? Why is being human hard? Why did I get that job? Why did we have to meet if it was amazing and then he doesn't know if he want me? Does he not want me? I don't even know?
do I care too much? Do I love too much? I don't know what it's like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel as empty as I do, I feel the emptiness completely.
Make it easy for me, tell me I don't matter, tell me I never mattered to you.
I feel as if I was made to understand every one and only few people understand me. To have someone understand your mind is a different form of intimacy. But I am so deeply lost in my own soul, how can I expect anyone else to understand me?
I'm such an empath. Everyone comes to me. Phoebe called me earlier. I take on everyone's problems, who's gonna take mine? Who's gonna soothe me? I'm tired but I'll never stop trying for anyone. One thing about me is I don't give up. On anyone. I told iehab today I'm weak. How can I? If only my heart was as cold as I should pretend to be, maybe I could pretend to not care, that I could easily get over it.
You know what someone said to me on placement? I'll never forget it, apart from someone saying I have a big heart for life, (they used a big word but I can't remember what it was) but someone else also said that my energy could bring out the best in the devil itself.
How can that be the same girl whose heart aches when no one is around at night. It's only lately cos it's been so on and off.
When you really love someone, wouldn't they always linger a little bit? Is this not true?
You know what? The moon still waits for the stars every night and the stars will go out before I forget you. And I'll be standing, waiting for the moon every night. That is the type of person I am. I just love so passionately and deeply. Was that wrong? How could I not?
I still remember how big my smile was the night I came home from us hanging out the first time. Is it just me that remembers these things? Is it just me that has to suffer? Please tell me it's not me. Please tell me you remember too. You remember it all and that it's not me. I don't want to have to be the one who mourns everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It's mortifying. It's mortifying to be the one who remembers everything. Sometimes my memory serves me well for exams alhamdulilah but times like this, it's tragic.
When will it be my turn to let go of the memories that causes me more pain than joy?
I believe in love because of the way I love.
The way I care, the way I forgive, the way I feel so strongly. I believe in love because of the genuine love I can give to someone else. I believe in love because of the way I hold on to people still trying to find the good in them even though they show me otherwise. I believe in love because of the way I fight for it, the way I never give up on someone if I truly love them.
Sometimes i realise there are so many things i won't remember in 50 years. like the way the sky looked on an evening I enjoyed, so I stare at the stars a little harder. And my best friends smile and my mum's voice and i get so sad i never want to forget. If you know me, you might randomly catch me pausing and staring at you or something, and if it isn't because I've spaced out, it's because I'm truly valuing and appreciating that moment without taking a picture. I've been doing a lot more lately and I'm not sure why. Maybe cos my health is deteriorating a bit.
My health isn't great. Feels like I'm about to be sick and feels like I'm gonna faint.
Wallah I tried.
We really have all the potential to work out. Everything does. Wallah. I'm such a firm believer in that. I never knew two years down the line I'd be comforting myself.
It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its harder to give up when you know its everything you want. Is it just me who feels this way? I just want everything back the way it was. Reading my diary I wrote that I uploaded, like the one I hand wrote when I didn't have my phone absolutely shattered me. It was like a time capsule and all the memories came flooding back like a film being played in front of my eyes.
Is it sad to love people the way I do? I once heard this quote and it stick with me
"Trust the overthinker who tells you they love you. They have, most assuredly, thought of every reason not to."
Being soft and a big a loving heart means having open ears and open heart and people know this about me so they know I'll listen to them but can someone listen to me. This diary has heard all my thoughts.
I would just rather call than keep going back and forth on text. Calling is much easier .
He kinda sounds annoyed at me when he said do you get this? Maybe that's just how it came across on text but I kinda just have a lot on my plate right now.
Diary, sometimes I feel like a fool to be the person I am. To have hope. To love the way I do. I've always said this but I truly believe love is a choice. I have voiced it before.
I feel a little lost.
Harisa is FaceTiming me
I just hope I can sleep well like last night
He isn't losing sleep so I shouldn't
