inadequate ☠ afi + lrh • mgc/cth (boyxboy)

a.f.i

June, 20, 2014, 11:01 p.m

I laid in Luke's bed, not being able to stop sniffling. it was all because of Brittany. she just left after dumping me. how could she do that?

she said she loved me and fed me so much bullshit throughout the time. she knew she was moving all along but she didn't tell me.

then luke got mad at me. I didn't mean to make him mad. it just slipped. but him getting mad at me for that brief moment made me feel just as bad as Brittany did.

but I didn't know where else to go. luke was my rock and he helped me with stuff no one else could and even knows about. he's my best friend and he promised he'd always be there and I know he will be.

but I can't let myself get bad again. it's been so long I just need to try and stay noble long enough so I won't get bad again.

-

I woke up in the morning in the room alone, and was curious where luke had gone too. I got up, walking down the stairs and into the kitchen where Liz was in her scrubs.

"Ashton, morning baby! didn't know you were here," she said and I nodded taking a seat in front of her.

Luke's house was very nice. especially his kitchen. it was my favorite part of his house besides his room. his room was awesome.

but his kitchen was so nice, dark chocolate walls, with one side that was made out of full bricks, and all of his supplies was electronic.

"yeah, state over last night," I said leaning my elbows on the table. "where's luke?"

"he went out with a friend," she said looking at me concerned, "you alright Ashton? you look bad."

I nodded my head, "yeah but i'm okay now. just a tough night that's all," I said and she nodded her head.

"i'm gonna head out, Liz. tell luke that I said sorry for last night," I said an she nodded, giving me a hug and making sure luke and I were okay.

which we were. she just didn't wan nothing to happen between us, badly. little did she know it was Brittany.

I walked home, feeling drained, also looking the part as well. once I reached the house I walked in, seeing Lauren and Harry arguing over the remote to the television, which was too loud, and mom in her work clothes, arguing with someone on the phone.

my house was quite loud. usually always. it was either too loud or too quiet. never inbetween.

I walked upstairs to my room without anyone noticing me. I changed my clothes and then went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat.

I hope luke isn't still mad with me. I know he was last night. but he just left me. he didn't even wake me to at least tell me he was leaving. when I need him, he just leaves.

maybe he had a good reason. maybe he just wanted to hang out with somebody that wasn't me for a change. i've been hanging out with him nearly everyday of the summer.

shit

he's probably so annoyed with me. that's by he just left. he didn't even want me there. he wouldn't of have the nerve to tell me to leave either.

I sat on the toilet, holding the metal piece in my hand. I promised luke I wouldn't do this again. I said I wouldn't do this again. I said I wouldn't get bad again.

I took a deep shaky breath.

not on my wrist. I don't want no one to see again. that's how luke found out. my bracelets somehow let them peek out and he saw and I can't get his facial expression out of my mind when he saw. he seeme so shocked and so upset.

I clenched my eyes shut, which were full of tears.

"you're not gonna cry," I said through clenched teeth.

I needed somewhere you couldn't be able to see. somewhere no one would ever be able to see or find out.

I stripped naked, and began running the shower. once I got in the water was nearly burning me, but I didn't change it. I just let it come on me. at least I could feel it. I'd adjust to it anyways.

I stood from the water starring down. I glanced at my thighs. I took the metal piece and put it against my upper thigh. I kept my eyes shut.

my hand shook, an my breathing hitched in the back of my throa t the razor chilled my body, as I stood there, almost too scared to glide the small metal piece across my tense thigh.

I squeezed my eyes shut, as I pulled the razor slowly against my thigh, wincing as it started to sting the harder I pressed. tears were falling down my face, but it was blending in with the water.

think of luke. he wouldn't want you to do this.

I started crying even harder. I pushed harder, biting my bottom lip, drawing blood and glided the razor across my skin, feeling the stinging sensation that grew from it. my heart was pumping, and I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop the cutting. the feeling hurt, but at least this way I was feeling something. might not be what I wanted, but it was better than feeling numb.

by now my legs were throbbing and my eyes were heavy. I was exhausted and I just wanted to lay down. once the water rinsed the blood off, and it had stopped bleeding, I finally got out.

I went to my room, getting dressed into pajamas, and locked my door. I wasn't planning on coming out the whole day. I couldn't face anyone knowing what I had done to my self. I messed up again like I always do. I don't want to get bad again.

I was doing so well and luke knew I was too. what happens if he finds out I started up again? he won't. he won't ever find out. it's not on my wrist like last time. my eyes swelled up with tears as my bottom lip quivered.

i'm getting bad again.

________________________________________

oKay iknow this chapter was triggering but I want to get serious for a quick second.

so yes, I know cutting is a serious topic and no way I hell is it ever okay. this is not okay. nothin that occurs in this story. no eating disorders, self harming, and anything such that. not that i'm judgin people who do it, I just wish you guys would realize how amazing and beautiful you are. and if any of you guys ever need to talk to me, literally just PM me or post on my board that you need to talk to me, and pm you.

I love you all and you guys are so cool 🌸🌾
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️