inadequate ☠ afi + lrh • mgc/cth (boyxboy)

l.r.h

July 11, 2014 2:03 a.m

I read Ashton's messages seeing he was pissed at me. I groaned stepping out of my mothers car and shut the door as quietly as I could before walking to Ashton's back yard, jumping his fence before going through his backyard. when his mom worked, she always left the back door unlocks just in case she lost or forget her house keys.

I walked up to Ashton's room and without knocking I walked in. my cheeks heated up as my stomach got that one feeling I get every time i'm nervous. he was only in his black gym shorts and he wasting on his bed. once he saw me, his face softened and he sat up.

"luke," he said softly but then shook his head, "what are you doing here?" he asked more stern.

I swallowed, playing with my figure just so he wouldn't see how badly my hands were shaking before I tried speaking, but looking at him somehow made me forget what I was wanting to say.

"i-i was just...i wanted to s-stop by because i thought that, maybe..." I said trying to think as I tore my gaze away fro his stare and looked down at the floor running a hand through my hair.

"i don't want you mad anymore, nor get ash," I finally said bringing my eyes to meet back up with his sad hazel ones as he frowned and shrugged lightly.

"me either...but it doesn't mean it changes how I feel."

I nodded my head, already knowing that. okay luke, just tell him. I can do this.

"Ashton-"

"you, you're a fucking asshole," he said talking over me before I could get what I wanted out.
"why the fuck did you ignore me for so long? you're suppose to me my fucking best friend luke. where the hell were you?" he asked angry and giving me a shove.
"huh?"

"I just didn't know what else to do!" I cried back, as a lump grew in the back of my throat as his eyes glistened with tears.

"I get all alone and not even you were here to talk to me. i must be pretty pathetic to have you not want me either," he said as a tear fell down his cheek.

"Ashton, listen, the-"

"just leave!" he broke out shaking his head and wiping his tears. "I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't even know why i'm so upset with you, it shouldn't bother me this much. but it does and clearly you could care less," he cried and I couldn't take this shit no more.

I shoved him backwards, before I broke out in anger, "I was scared! okay? I was fucking scared," I said a bit more calmer as tears fell down my face, "you don't even know what's been going from my head or how i'm feeling."

"scared of what?" he whispered, shocked at my out burst.

"you! you fucking idiot. I fucking like you, okay? and no i'm not talking about thinking you're cool. I mean I actually have feelings towards you. like feelings that make me want to kiss your lips, or cuddle into you. that's why im fucking scared. because you're my best friend and I thought if you found out, then you'd resent me and that's why I shoved you away in the first place. I just didn't want to feel like I was crazy anymore," I said tears falling endlessly on my cheeks.

Ashton was wide eye, and I was scared of what he would say, "all of you think i'm just so perfect and i'm not. I hardly speak to my family, once in a blue moon we all actually hang out an that's only wen my brothers come home. yeah I might actually have parents who are still together, but that doesn't mean i don't feel the way you am the rest of the boys do. i'm not as perfect as you guys think. I have a lot of baggage," I explained wiping my nose, "i'm fucking gay, and i'm just so tired of everyone bullshitting me. my life isn't perfect! because I'm different. and I like someone I can never have," I explained with my tears falling slowly. "I want you to want me this way," I cried, "I need you to need me this way.."

"luke-" Ashton mumbled quietly.

"so now, i'll leave. just like you asked me too," I said walking to his bedroom door, "I just thought you should know the real reason. thought it might make you hate me less?" I shrugged, "maybe not."

"luke," he called again but I was alread running down the stairs and hurrying put the back door with a blurry vision.

"luke!"

but I was too far gone.