inadequate ☠ afi + lrh • mgc/cth (boyxboy)

l.r.h

August 10, 2014 12:34 a.m

"So, can I stay the night with you?" I asked and he nodded his head. I felt so guilty for lying to him. He shouldn't trust me. I lied.

I stood up kicking my shoes off, and tugging my pants off, but kept my shirt on. We both sat on his bed, just talking, not necessarily tired just yet.

"So what even are we, ash?" I asked and he shrugged, just as unknown as I am. We both had no clue.

"I don't know," he said shyly, "I mean i'm with Brittany but... I'm with you too, right?" He asked and I shrugged.

"It doesn't feel right to be cheating on Brittany," he said sadly and I frowned, seeing how sad he was. I know how much he hates cheaters, and he now became one because of me. I'm just not good for him.

"Ashton, we can stop what we're doing," I said and caught his attention, "I mean, I like you, and you like me, but that's not a reason to cheat, and I know it hurts you to do so. So we can just stop what we're doing," I told him and he sat silently for a moment, pondering it.

Deep down I prayed that he declined my offer, because I feel a little sane now that we're secretly together. I actually got what I wanted. Technically did. Not in the way I want it, but still. 

"Ending it now doesn't change what we did," he said and I nodded. It was true. We've already made that clear enough.
"So the only thing to do would be to just tell her if we do anything...but I just can't do that," he said and I nodded, understanding. It's hard. I still yet to say everything about Calum and I.

"Do you not want to like...be with me? Is that why you said we didn't have to be anything?" he asked with his soft voice cracking.

"What? God, no Ashton. I said that because I care about you and I don't want you hurting," I said as he sighed and looked down.
"Ashton, I want to be with you, so much. It would kill me just to go back to being friends again, but I'd do anything for you. That's why I said we could stop because I know you don't liking cheating."

Without saying anything, Ashton just cuddled into me, as I felt his tense body immediately relax at a comfortable position.

I reached over turning his lamp off, as we laid still, my hand rubbing his stomach to comfort him. I felt so shitty for hurting him so bad. I haven't even said all the truth to him either and I should of i'm just scared too.

"I'm sorry," I whispered in the air against his neck, not knowing whether or not if he was awake or not but I just had to say it again.

He hummed in response before actually speaking up, "S'Okay," he said as I sighed against him and he turned his head and leaned up so he can kiss my forehead, as he searched for my hand until he got it and laced his fingers with it.

I loved this moment. I didn't want it to end. I want to stay like this forever, even if that sounds cliche i'm serious. But I have to go and fuck everything up. I can't let Ashton keep doing this. It's hurting him and I know it'll hurt Brittany. But what about me?

"Ashton, we're stopping this, okay?" I said as he pulled his face away from mine and looked at me confused.

"Stopping this? We already talked about this, Luke," he said and I sighed hating how hard this is.

"Yeah we did but I need this confirmed. We just can't be together right now. Not while you're with Brittany. You can't and I can't," I said as I could see his lips turning into a pout unintentional as he shook his head.

"No," he said as he pulled me closer, "Luke," he said but I had to remember I was doing this for him.

"I'm sorry, I want to be with you. I promise," I told him as he left my hand go and I knew he wasn't believing me now, and I needed him too.
"And to prove that since you don't believe me, i'm just gonna wait. I'm gonna wait for when you're ready, okay? So be with Brittany and only her so we don't hurt anyone, and then when you feel like it's right, i'm still gonna be here, still going to love you."

He sighed before planting his hand on my torso, "Okay so just tonight then? And then what?"

"Best friends till then. And I mean like we use to be, we're actually gonna talk to each other, got it?" I said and he nodded holding his pinky out making me smile as I linked it before leaning in and kissing him.

I slid on top of him kissing him all over, pushing his shirt up and giving him trails of kisses down his stomach.

As I went to tug on his pants, his hands stopped mine nervously, "Ash, baby, it's okay," I told him as he leaned on his elbows.

"Uh, I-I don't know," he said making me wonder why he was so worried. I've seen him change before and every thing before. He sees me?

"Why are you so worried?" I questioned. He's touched me before and he's sucked me off. What's the difference of me repaying the favor?

"I-I uh it's just that..." He tried explaining but he didn't seem to know what to exactly say.

"Ash," I mumbled in a whiney voice. "Talk to me."

He sighed falling back and looking away as I leant down placing my lips on his forehead kidding him softly.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable," I apologized rolling off of him as he turned and cuddle into me.

His body temperature instantly began warming me up as we cuddled and he sighed out into my chest making me go all fuzzy inside.

So much for being punk rock.

"No you don't make me uncomfortable, okay? Just not right now," he asked more than said and I shook my head.

"I don't care about that. What I care about is that you're just trying to make me happy by pretending to like me and that scares me."

He pulled away frowning, "Why would you even say that?"

I groaned frustrated, laying on my back and rubbing my face with my hands, "Ah, I don't know. I just have these thoughts and I get worried sometimes," I asserted trying to explain, "After all you're the one with a girl friend and not me."

Without saying anything further he turned around on me, making me instantly regret what I had just said. I sighed cuddling into him and pulling him close to me before kissing his cheek.

"I'm sorry ash. I didn't mean to upset you."