inadequate ☠ afi + lrh • mgc/cth (boyxboy)

c.t.h

September 4, 2015 4:21 p.m

"Calum come on, please we have to go to support group," Luke was begging by this point but I had no function in me to go. There's no point.

"No," I said with a shrug as I laid in my bed as he groaned.

"You know what," he said throwing his hands down at his sides, "That's it," he said as he grabbed my converse and picked me up throwing me owe his shoulder as I groaned struggling to get out of his grasp.

"Let me go," I said angrily now as I tried fighting him off but he didn't budge as we walked out my front door.

"No, we are going and that's final. I know how bad you get, I know you Calum. I know how hurt you are and I hate to tell you that you did it to yourself but I'm not gonna let you sit in your room and self hate," he said staring at me in the driver seat as he sighed and started his car.

"Fine."

With that he drove to the support group in silence. For the first time in a few weeks I saw lily. She didn't make any eye contact to me. It also made me feel nervous because I haven't talked to her since it happened. I was scared to be around her honestly. I knew I did her wrong and this is the first time she's came to support group since the thing between us happened too.  Sitting in the room hearing everyone talk just made me angry. I didn't want to be here in the first place. And I definitely was not in the mood for talking. So when John called my name to speak, anger shot through me.

"Calum, let's hear from you. How are you feeling," he asked and I just sat still.

The only thing I wanted to do was go home and listen to angry music and just be by myself. But instead I'm here, luke forced me to come here. I'm so pissed off at everything. I wish I wasn't stupid and made the mistakes I did but I can't take it back. I so badly wanted to tell him how I truly felt. Say how I hated myself and that if I got the chance I'd just runaway and fuck everybody else I'd leave behind, that I don't care for about anyone anymore. Most of it would be true anyway. Instead, all that came out was,

"Great."

He frowned a little as everyone stared at me, which only made me more angry.

"You don't look so great. You seem like something is bothering you. Let's talk about it," He said as I sighed frustrated.

"No."

They really don't understand me at all. They don't understand that if they keep pushing me, I'm gonna blow up. I'm gonna end up losing my shit and going off on possibly every one in here. That I'm gonna lose my cool and I'm going to say how I'm really feeling at this point in my life and I know no one needs that. But they're asking for it at this point. No—begging for it.

"Look, I think you'd feel much better if you'd just talk—"

"Fine," I said stomping my foot down seeming to shocker the others, "Let's talk about how I'm feeling. I'm feeling angry and shitty. No, that doesn't even justify how I'm feeling! I'm feeling miserable, weakened, guilty, everything. I cheated on my girlfriend which caused her to break up with me, oh that felt great truly," I remarked sarcastically with no emotions flowing through me but anger, "Now my parents lost the house so we have to move into a crammed apartment downtown because we can't afford anything because I'm poor," I told as everyone stared blankly.

"I'm also feeling depressed because I continuously still hate myself and probably rather die then sit in this room and listen to everyone 'talk about their feelings' and cry," I stated. That's when I noticed Lily held eye contact with me. She had no emotion, no expression.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair getting up and shoving my chair back, "I'm sorry I can't do this," I said before rushing out the doors, hearing Luke call out my name. I hurriedly ran out the building and down the alley way, trying every way possible to escape Luke. I just wanted to be alone.

Eventually I stopped at a corner and tried catching my breath. I could physically feel the blood flowing through my veins. My lungs begged for more air as I held my chest. Not eating in three days and trying to run is not a good mix. I need something to get this feeling gone.

I heard a lighter flick as the smell of cigarette arose to my nose. I glanced beside me noticing I was outside a coffee bar. A woman, awfully skinny, with the shortest jean skirt I've seen in my life, which was ripped, and a tight red crop top on was leaning against the brick wall with a cigarette hanging from her lips. Her black eye liner was smudged under her eyes as her hair had a horrible blonde die and was a mess. She took a glance at me, looking me up and down before she made a snugged look and looked back in front of her.

"You look sick," she commented. Is she even serious right now?

"Have you even bother looking at what you look like right now?" I questioned as she just rolled her eyes and blew the smoke from her cherry stained lips. Then she held her cigarette out towards me.

Without even second thinking I took it, taking three puffs off before passing it back to her and she took one more before flicking it on the ground and stomping on it.

"Want something?" She questioned as I looked at her questionable.

"Like what?" I asked as she smirked nodding her head towards her.

"Let me show you," she said as she turned to walk.

And I followed.

Oh noooooo what is Calum getting himself into omggggg