inadequate ☠ afi + lrh • mgc/cth (boyxboy)

l.r.h

July 20, 2014, 8:51 p.m

tears were falling from my eyes and my breathing was uneven. Ashton new that I loved him now. and not just a friend love either. i'm fucking in love with my best friend and I hate it.

why did I even catch feelings for him? I mean what's there to be in love with? his stupid laugh. no, giggle. it's a giggle. he doesn't laugh ever, he only giggles, like some little school girl, but fuck, it makes me all smiley and happy. and his stupid curls that swooped swiftly to the other side, and it was such a sandy blonde color, but it made his eyes more out. his eyes. his green, and brown eyes that was some sort of mix of hazel were beautiful. you could get lost staring in to them, and I always did. then his smile. dammit. if I was in a bad mood all he had to do was smile, and there I was smiling too, because he genuinely looked happy. and it made me happy.

"luke..." calum whispered to me as he held in. in his arms. literally. while I cried into his neck, and he just stroked my back. I was so heart broken. Ashton left. calum told him not to leave, but that still wasn't enough to stay.
"talk to me..."

I sighed, sitting up from his neck, mumbling a sorry after seeing how his shirt was wet. I didn't know I cried that much... I think that it was time to tell calum what I was feeling. and exactly what i've been hiding.
"i-it's hard to say..." I hiccuped as he wiped under my eyes, removing the wet tears from my cheeks, as I still say in his lap, facing him. I didn't want to move. I was comfortable.

"I know, luke. I know," he said nodding as I sighed. "do you love him?"

after he asked the question I tried my best to hold back the tears, but it just wasn't happening at the moment. all my body could do was cry. I hated crying. I hated the feeling that's in the back of your throat. I hate the tears that wouldn't stop coming for my eyes, and made my face go red. I hated the sound, and how I could barely talk because my voice ends up cracking and I just end up crying more. my head nodded, as I wiped my tears myself being quiet about crying.

"so much," I whispered as he frowned at me, and pulled me into a hug, as I continued to cry. "i'm gay, calum."

he just shushed and held me tight, pressing his cheek against my forehead, rocking me slightly. all in all, this would have been awkward for us, but calum and I have had really touchy moment in our lives. when something bad happens between us, he's always the one I go too. i'm always the one he goes too. it's just how our friendship works. i'm so thankful for calum. I never want to lose my calum. he's so precious and I couldn't imagine losing him.

I lost ashton. possibly at least. I still need to talk to him. just one more time to see if what I really think I am to him is true. I just want him to confirm that he has no feelings for me what so ever, and i'll stop completely. we'll just stay friends and i'll never act on my feelings again.

"it's okay," he told me, and I felt him nod his head against mine, confirming that I was okay. I know being gay is okay. loving Ashton wasn't.

"I messed everything up. from the moment all of this started," I said frowning to myself and calum looked down at me, angry.

"no you didn't. you didn't mess anything up," he told me as my fingers played with my lip ring, "is this the reason why you've guys been acting so strange?"

my head slowly nodded, "did you guys...do anything?"

I stayed silent for a bit, not knowing whether or not to tell him, but I wanted too. but what if Ashton got mad at me? it wouldn't be so bad if I just told calum. I trusted calum not only with my life, but my moms too. calum wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me, and I knew I could trust him if I told him not to say anything, I knew he always had my back. why would I doubt him? he's always been there for me, so i'm thankful for him. so I told him what happened between Ashton and I. leaving out details. I told him how we kissed, more than once, and how I liked it, and Ashton might have too, but I wasn't so sure if he honestly did anymore. maybe he was only pretending. possibly, because after all, Brittany left and he's been sad about her leaving and maybe he just needed someone to lean on and be a replacement. a rebound.