Caught In The Way You Got Me (Book One)

Give Me Attention

Asteria:

Between my sobs I'm not able to breathe right and my ribs are really hurting now. I'm still trying to figure out if I want Brendon to be around or if I want to let him go after that. How dare he even say that he loves me. Especially after what I heard. I finally break and stop running once I reach the parking lot.I try to catch my breath and calm down. I hope Brendon leaves. My cell phone rings. It's Brian.

"Hello?"I ask, trying to find some kind of calm in this storm.

"Asteria,that was perfect!" he says into the phone. I'm completely dumbfounded.

"What do you mean that was perfect? I ran off!"

"That was exactly what we needed to boost sales, you did a great job."

"Wait, what?"

"We really needed to see that kind of connection between you guys. The video is already up and it's exploding with views. We'll get you setup to do their next single art as well and we know what we want you to create for it. This album is going to sell like hotcakes. Great job," he says excitedly. The realization hits.

"No one ever cancelled did they? You didn't think I'd actually be good at this, you just wanted to boost their chance at profit."

"Why do you sound angry? Wouldn't you want that for your boyfriend? And I mean, you did better than I thought. I mean I lost my share of the pool because I really thought you'd mess up but you did great!"I hang up the phone. I don't want to hear anything else that he has to say and if I'm fired, I'm fired. This night really couldn't get any worse.

"Asteria?"Okay, I lied. Brendon found me. Apparently it can. "Please don't start running, I don't think I'll make it a third time."

He's out of breath and he collapses next to me, sloppily trying to catch some air and I start to lose patience.

"No, you need to do this," I tell him and I make him sit up straight."Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. In between your breaths, count to three."

He does so to try to catch his breathe and in a little while he's done gasping for air and clutching his side.

"I don't know how you did that. That's rough. Can I please talk to you?" His head is leaning back against the wall and he's looking at me in away that's screaming but he's trying so hard to stay level headed.

"I really don't want anything to do with you right now," I say, still crying.

"Asteria, please, I need you to listen to what I have to say. I need to explain a lot of things to you and tell you things about myself that I'm not comfortable saying but I know that I need to say them." He grabs my hand and I fight the urge to shove him away. He hesitates before he continues. "There are things that I've been through that I am afraid to tell you about, and I didn't want to tell you this at all but I realize now that that's wrong. I won't ask you to stay if you don't want to, but I am asking you to please listen. This is going to be very hard for me and the only thing that could really kill me would be you running away before I finish."

He's half way to tears and he's grabbing my hands. I can't say no to him. I don't want to hear it but I can't just leave.

"Okay," is all I can manage and he takes a deep breath.

"When I was young, I grew up in a really religious household. There was nothing bad about that and my parents were always very open with what I chose when I was growing up. Um," he starts to choke up and I give his hand a small squeeze. "When I was fourteen, one of my teachers had me sleep with her...I don't know why I did it or what made me feel like I had to but I felt like I had no other choice...I didn't feel like I could tell my parents...I thought they'd think differently of me. They always said to save myself for the perfect girl and...She took that...and it went on for a while..."

We're both crying and my heart aches for the man in front of me. He tries to compose himself before going on and throws his head onto my shoulder. I wrap my arms around his neck and he continues.

"So I just didn't know how to deal with that. I thought that was all I was good for back then so I just kept sleeping with girls. I'd leave before they woke up because I didn't want anything else from them. And then one day I met a girl named Victoria. You remind me of her."

Something about him saying that hurts me and I can't figure out what it is. He pulls away from my shoulder and looks at me, eyes swollen and red.

"She was just so different from everyone else. She made me feel like I was worth something again for the first time. I fell in love with her and I didn't know how to deal with that but she made it feel safe. So I waited for her. I waited because I didn't know what would happen if we finally...you know, slept together...And around a year later when we finally did...I woke up one morning and she was gone..."

He's shaking as he speaks and we're both crying harder than before. Brendon Urie was destroyed. He didn't know how else to exist so he just kept destroying. He didn't know...

"And the girl that showed up to my hotel room, Asteria please believe me when I say she just showed up. I've been trying to get away from her because she reminds me of what a bad person I was after Victoria. I wanted to hurt every girl that I met. I didn't realize how bad I was being. Please understand that I'm not that person anymore. I used to see girls as a challenge and I'm not that human being anymore because I met you," he sobs and he pulls me into his chest. At first I want to object and pull away but I find comfort from my own sobs within him. "She was the first girl that I was with after Victoria and I just felt like I needed to break someone and it was her. I lied to her. I told her I loved her. I saw her as a big challenge when she said she was saving herself for who she was going to marry. So I lied and I told her I loved her and then I slept with everyone she knew."

As soon as he says it I pull away. I can't do this.

"Her friends, her mom, everyone,"he sobs. I look at him and I'm disgusted. Why would anyone do that? Why would anyone want to do that? I stand up and I want nothing else to do with him but he wraps himself around my legs and keeps crying. When I try to pull away he squeezes even tighter. "Please Asteria, this was years ago. Please don't leave. I know it was wrong, I know it was disgusting but I need you to please try to understand because if I lose you then I don't know what'll be come of me. I need you to please try to stay."

I feel my entire body trembling as I sob and I can only think of one thing to say to him. I take a deep breath.

"Brendon?"I say with a trembling voice.

"Yes? Please say you'll stay...Please say you can forgive me for this..."He pleads and all I can do is shake my head.