Tris Is Alive

Chapter 41

Tris POV

9 months later.

    Today is the year anniversary of when the Bureau took me away from everyone. It's a day I've been dreading since I first got here. They gave me the day off work so I could deal with my feelings, but I really would have much rather worked and kept busy. I've been working a lot more lately, to keep my mind off everything. They haven't let me see Tobias in months, I would get to go back every now and then to just see him sleeping... they won't let me talk to him.

    I put on his necklace, the symbol of our engagement. One that I remember and he doesn't. I don't look at the necklace like that anymore, because I know that the Bureau will never let us be together. I look at the necklace more of a symbol of my old life, the one thing I have left. I wear it every single day, but today I wear it for a different reason. A symbol of what the Bureau has taken away from me, a symbol that they can't break me, which I'll somehow get back to my old life.

    I walk the hallways, so many things have happened here. I don't go back on the memories often, it's still hard to accept that they are all gone. Though when I do I always start off smiling but end up crying, I really did have a good life. Sometimes I talk to Bruno and Elena about them, they like listening to my stories. Except when I talk about Tobias, Bruno starts getting really jealous... but I don't talk about Tobias often, he's the hardest thing to talk and think about.

    I did keep my promise to myself, I became stronger from it all. I had to learn to forgive all of those around me, especially the ones who were responsible for my being here. I had to learn to forgive myself for the things I've done, all the mistakes I've made. I had to stop moping around hating everyone and everything for no reason, I grew from this. Even though I don't want to be here, I'm thriving here. The team I'm apart of for GD equality is reaching new milestones, we have done so much more than expected and I'm getting a lot of the credit. Not to brag but I'm kind of a big deal here now. I'm someone that the people can look to, a role model in the Bureau. The only thing that sucks is still having to go under Divergent testing, it's tiring and scary at times.

    I grab some lunch and the chocolate cake I baked and head over to the control room. I go and set up at my little station, I'm here so much they have a little area where I can sit and view everyone. I sit down and start watching everyone back in Chicago.

Tobias POV

    It's been a year... damn... a full year. I knew today was going to be a hard day the second I woke up. I called in work to tell them I wasn't going to go in, Johanna of course understood. Telling me that today we're just going to talk about if the Bureau will allow people to get jobs there and just commute back and forth. I haven't taken a day off work for about 9 months, so she let me have my day to grieve. I haven't had a dream about Tris in a while, I was hoping I could control my dreams and have her appear in them... but it hasn't worked out.

    I do see her though, I go into my fear landscape as much as possible. Even though it doesn't get easier each time I go through it, I get to see her alive and love her. I don't know how many times I tried to change the outcome of the fear, I'll see her and tell her we have to run, or that I need to her to hold onto me so we don't get separated. No matter what I do, it all still ends the same. Her dying and me not being able to do anything about it.

    I shake me thought from my head, I don't want to think about her death today. Johanna gave me some of the Amity serum so it would help me relax, I already knew what I was going to do this day before it even started. I'll have lunch with Caleb, Christina, Cara and Zeke then I'll go off and have my own private grief session. I head out of my apartment and go off to lunch with the four of them.

***

    I never understood why we all had to have lunch together, is it supposed to make things easier? We ate and talked about her life, how caring and selfless she was. I felt uncomfortable seeing Caleb, knowing he was supposed to die but Tris took his place. I stayed silent most of the lunch, only speaking if I had to. As I'm walking back to my car Christina calls out my name, "Tobias! Wait up!" I look back and roll my eyes, I don't want to talk to them right now.

    She catches up to me, "Where are you going? You shouldn't be alone today." I shake my head, "I rather would be alone actually." She touches my shoulder, "You shouldn't. We were all thinking about heading back to Caleb's place-" I interrupt her, "Why would I want to go back to the place of the man who didn't care about Tris, the man who sent her to her own execution, the man who wasn't worth her life!" I can see I upset her, I know her and Caleb have gotten really close lately. "Stop that. Caleb does care about his sister, he just had a harder time showing it... but he did love her and is affected by all of this just like the rest of us. We need to be there for each other." I start walking back to my car, I don't want to be around any of them anymore, I just need to be alone. I speed off before she can try to stop me.

    I arrive at the Ferris Wheel and look up. I know it's going to be a long climb but I wanted to be at a place that meant a lot to the both of us. I start the climb up, trying to ignore the fact that the higher I get the more my hands start to sweat. Once I get to the platform I sit down and take out a pictures Amar gave me of Tris. Since things are more advanced in the Bureau he was able to get me them right after she passed away. I don't take them out often because it hurts to see her, but today is a special occasion. There's a lot of just her, I didn't want him to give me too many of me and her together, but because I would miss her more.

    So I just sit there, with my pictures, on our Ferris Wheel.