Just the two of us (book 3)

Chapter 16 I don't hate him

I've been sitting here with Rachel for two hours talking while Marshall and Amy are playing in the garden. The weather is nice and I feel comfortable in a weird way. I don't even think about me and Rachel's argument earlier, I don't even think about my plans with Ken. I look at Marshall and Amy laying on the grass talking about the clouds and what they look like. He's a good father and I wish that he had been in this state in his life when I got pregnant. We could have been happy and we could have been a family, but he ruined it by being selfish and that's a shame.
"Do you miss him?" Rachel asks me. Amy and Marshall are too far away for them to hear us so we don't risk anything talking about this. It's a really tough question to answer and I don't know how to answer it. Yes I miss him but I miss what I thought we had, I miss what we had when we were younger. I still stay by my opinion that our relationship last time was a big lie, so you can't really miss a lie, can you?
"Of course but I don't miss what we had but I miss him yes." I answer still looking at Amy and Marshall.
"You don't miss what you had?" She asks confused.
"No because it was all a lie." I say.
"It wasn't sweetie. He really regrets it and if he could change how he treated you, he would." She says. I now look at her because how does she know?
"Did he say that to you?" I frown.
"Yes."
"Why were you talking about that?" I ask. See, that's why I'm confused. Rachel told me that he wants nothing to do with me but still they talk about me.
"Because he wants me to know these things because he says that you don't listen." She says.
"I listen, I just don't believe him." I say.
"He loved you Amelia but the temptation was too strong at the time. The life he lived in that age was hard to control, he.."
"Why are we talking about this?" I cut her off because I really don't wanna talk about it. It hurts too much and I just don't wanna be reminded.
"I thought you should know." Rachel says.
"Why?" I ask. "It doesn't matter. I'm with Ken now so why are you trying so hard to make me understand?"
"Because your hatred towards him isn't healthy. It's Amy's father and it can influence her." Rachel says softly. I know that I say that I hate him but I don't hate him, I just hate the situation and how he is towards me sometimes. I care a lot about him and I could never hate him, but he's just so mean and unfair sometimes.
"I don't hate him." I sigh deeply. "I'm just hurt."
"So is he." Rachel says softly. I know that we're both hurt and I know that we shouldn't be together, that's why it's good that we just have to be parents. Marshall and I just really need to get better to communicate with each other without being mean, but how exactly do we do that?
My phone now rings and I look at the screen, it's Ken.. I have totally forgot to text him that I'm staying here.

"Hi baby." I say softly when I pick up the phone.
"Amelia, it's been over two hours. What's going on? When are you coming back?" Ken asks.
"It's okay. John left but Amy begged me to stay." I explain so he has nothing to worry about.
"And you chose to stay?" He asks me in a blaming tone.
"Well.. yes.. of course." I say.
"This is our alone time Amelia and you chose you stay there. It's so damn rarely that we have so many hours to ourselves." I can hear the frustration in his voice.
"Ken, she begged me to stay." I say once again. I'm not gonna leave my daughter when she begs me to stay, not for him, not for anybody.
"She's 4 years old Amelia, of course she wants her mom to stay, but she simply can't make demands like that. You can't just drop everything just because she asks you to stay. This is about her and Marshall having some time together and it doesn't really work when you're also there."
"They're having fun right now Ken and I'm not gonna leave when she begs me to stay. I know that we were suppose to spend some time together, but Amy wanted me to stay so that's just how it is."
"And it has nothing to do with Marshall?" He asks. Where the fuck did that come from?!
"What the fuck Ken?" I ask surprised.
"You drop everything every time he makes demands. He wants this and that and you just do it."
"Amy asked me to stay. This has nothing to do with Marshall. And I don't drop everything for his demands but he has a bit more power than me so I just have to do it sometimes."
"Whatever Amelia. We'll talk about it when you get home. Have fun." He says and hangs up before I can say anything.

Why is he like that? It ain't like Ken to be like that. I know that Marshall has a lot to say in all this but I guess he has his rights even though it affects me and Ken. Why is he getting angry because Amy asked me to stay? Did he expect to leave my child when she wants me? I'm not that kind of mother!
"What's going on?" Rachel asks.
"Ken is angry because I stayed." I tell her.
"Did you have plans?" She asks.
"Yes. We had planned to just be ourselves today and enjoy each other." I tell her.
"Which you usually don't have time for." Rachel points out.
"I know but Amy asked me to stay Rachel, I couldn't just leave her." I say sadly.
"I know honey." She says softly.
"I think Ken is jealous." I tell her.
"Marshall and you have a lot of history." Rachel says.
"Yes but he has nothing to worry about." I say.
"He knows that you cancelled a wedding because of Marshall. I understand if he's nervous and jealous because of your decisions in the past." Rachel says and I also understand. I look out at Marshall and Amy who's still laying on the grass laughing and talking.
"Why wasn't he like this 5 years ago?" I say but Rachel doesn't answer knowing that it isn't a question that I need an answer to. "He's so different now. He's in control and he's everything that I wanted him to be."
"Do you want to be a family with him now?" She asks and that's not a hard question to answer.
"No." I say. "I'm with Ken."
"And if you weren't?" Rachel asks.
"Too much damage has been done. I would never trust him and I know where I have Ken, I know he's loyal to me." I say.
"But you still love Marshall?" She asks me. I will never stop loving Marshall but that doesn't mean that I will make the same mistakes again. Ken is good to me and Amy and Ken and me are not toxic to each other like me and Marshall are.
"Of course but we also share a lot together." I say and look at her. "Ken wants us to get a child."
"Really?" She asks and I can see that she seems surprised.
"Yes." I say. "But you know.. I'm good with Amy."
"So you told him no?" She frowns.
"Kinda." I say.
"Honey, if Ken wants a child so badly then it can tear your relationship apart if you're not willing to give it to him. Besides.. Amy would have so much joy with a sibling." Rachel says.
"I just don't feel like having another child." I shrug.
"Why not? If you and Ken are gonna live happily ever after then you have to compromise on his wishes." Rachel says.
"We can talk about it in the future but with everything that's going on right now then I don't wanna make some more changes." I explain.
"Because you're not sure about the future?" She asks. Does she really think that I'm gonna sacrifice everything for this man again?
"No Rachel, it's because I don't wanna confuse Amy more than necessary right now." I say.
"Why should she be confused? She's just spending time with a man she doesn't even know is her father." Rachel asks.
"She's confused about me and Marshall's relationship to each other."
"She is?" She frowns in confusion.
"Yes, she thought we were a couple when we flew to Detroit." I tell her.
"She knows something is going on then." Rachel says.
"That's what I'm saying." I say.

Later

It gets a little late now and it's about time that me and Amy get home, but first I need to talk to Marshall, I need him to agree on having a "family day" with Ken next time he wants to see Amy. I need to prove not only to Marshall but also to Ken that I can make the demands as well.
"Marshall, can we talk?" I ask as I begin to pack Amy's things.
"Yeah." He says. We walk into the living room where I also know that Amy has some toy laying around. "What's up?" Marshall asks.
"I want Ken to join next time you're gonna see Amy." I say.
"Really?" He asks annoyed.
"Marshall please." I beg him. "It's important that Ken is a part of this too."
"Fine." He sighs deeply. I really didn't think it was this easy to convince him.

Me and Amy drive home and she falls asleep on the way home. When I get home, Ken is laying on the couch sleeping so I don't want to wake him up. I lay Amy in bed and then I go to bed myself.