Just the two of us (book 3)

Chapter 18 Is this a bad dream?

We finally pack up and go home. It has been a long day with a lot of awkwardness where Ken barely talks to me. I don't know what's wrong with him but something is really bothering him. Amy has had a good day and that's the important of all this.
We say our goodbyes and then we get out in the car. Ken doesn't say anything, not even now that we're alone. We get into the car, Ken still doesn't speak and I don't know if I should say something. If he's angry about something then I don't wanna take the confrontation in front of Amy. The drive is very quiet but eventually Amy falls asleep so that's where I open my mouth.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"What do you think?" Ken asks keeping his eyes on the road.
"I don't think you're okay, I think something is bothering you and something has bothered you since the game, so what's going on?" I ask.
"We shouldn't do this now."
"Why can't you just spit it out?" I frown.
"Because Amy is on the backseat and I don't wanna do this now Amelia, so can you please wait until we get home?" He asks. I get a really bad feeling in my stomach as Ken never acts up like this. My stomach hurts from the bad feelings and nervousness.

I don't say anything and nothing more is said in the car.
When we get home then Ken carries Amy to bed and I just wait in the bedroom for him. I try to repeat the whole day in my head trying to figure out what I've done wrong, but I can't seem to figure out what would have upset him this much.

Finally he comes walking into the bedroom but I don't say anything. I think he should be the one to speak first. Ken sits down on the bed next to me as he sighs deeply.
"You don't want a child with me." He says. Where did that come from?
"I haven't said that I don't want a child with you." I frown.
"You actually did. You didn't say it directly but I understood it." He says.
"Ken, I'm just really good with Amy for now." I try to explain him.
"Do you wanna get married?" He asks. Now he's acting really weird.
"Was that suppose to be a proposal?" I frown.
"I will propose to you in all the right ways but I need to know that I don't make a fool out of myself." He says. He's acting really weird and I don't know what the sudden rush is about.
"What's the rush?" I ask.
"I need some insurance." He says. "I need to know that you'd like to move forward in this relationship."
"What's wrong with what we have now?" I frown. I like things as they are and I won't change it. He knows that I don't wanna promise myself away again, I can't change what we have because I'm afraid that it'll break like with Kevin.
"Because I need to know that you won't screw me over." Ken says. What the fuck? Where's the trust?
"You think I'm gonna screw you over?" I get extremely offended now.
"Amelia, I saw how you looked at him today." I sighs. His words make me get up and place myself in front of him. I look down at him frowning. How I looked at him.. I didn't look at him in that way. I can't stand Marshall so he's just acting up right now.
"Where's the trust Ken?" I ask.
"Amelia.."
"I can't believe that this is the reason why that you want a child with me or even get married with me." I cut him off.
"I know what I saw." He just says.
"Apparently not." I say. "It's disappointing that you don't want a child or get married from love but simply because you don't trust me."
"Amelia, I wanna marry you and have a kid with because I love you, but you were staring at him all the time and you couldn't get your eyes off him." Ken says but everything is bullshit. I'm so hurt and disappointed.
"You're making things up." I shake my head and Ken stands up now as well.
"If you're not willing to move forward then I have to leave Amelia, I have to protect myself from all this." Ken says.
"You're leaving us?" I ask. I can't believe that he wants to walk away from me and Amy.
"I've treated Amy like my own and I've thought that I was the only father that she would ever know. Things have changed now and I want a kid Amelia, not because my feelings has changed about Amy but because things are gonna change when she's old enough to know the truth." Ken says.
"No you want a kid because you don't trust me." I say as that's just what he said.
"We both know that you and Marshall have something with each other that you can't get with anybody else!" Ken gets frustrated now.
"Don't you fucking get what he put me through?!" I raise my voice.
"Apparently your heart doesn't get it because you were constantly seeking for his attention. I know what I saw Amelia because I know you and you looked at him in a way you've never looked at me before." Ken says. Yes, me and Marshall had something that I'm never gonna get with anybody else, but that doesn't mean that I wanna go back there. Yes, I've been doing a lot of thinking today about Marshall but I don't doubt where I stand. Marshall and me just have to get it to function as parents and nothing else. I miss Marshall but I miss him as a friend, nothing else.
"You're making things up in your head." I say. "I love you Ken."
"I don't doubt that you love me." He runs his hands down his face. "I just know that you love him more."
"No Ken." My voice shakes. I'm about to cry because I don't want him to feel like that. "That's not true."
"You need to make a commitment to me Amelia." He sighs. I can tell that he's really sad as well. "You need to give me something or else I'm leaving." I can't believe my own ears right now. What am I gonna do? I can't marry him and I don't want another kid.
"Don't force me into doing this Ken." I cry now.
"Why is it such a problem Amelia? Why can't we just get married?" He frowns.
"Because I can't.." I cry and he walks backwards.
"You and Amy can have the house and the car." I can see his eyes watering. I can't believe that he wants to leave me.
"Please Ken.. no.." I cry and walk over and hug him. "Don't leave us."
"I don't want to." Ken's body shakes. "I just have to. You're never gonna love me as much as you love him."
"I don't love him." I cry into his chest. "I love you." I tell him.
"You know what it requires." Ken whispers and I know that he hopes me to say what he wants to hear. But I don't want our relationship to be build on a forced choice that I had to make. I don't want him to make demands like this and I don't wanna change what we have.
"What about Amy? You can't do this to her." I cry into his chest. Ken grabs me under the cheek and makes me look at him.
"You know what's the right thing. You know that I'm never gonna take Marshall's place, I'm never gonna be her father and I'm never gonna make you feel the same way as he did." He says softly. I know that Ken can't make me feel the same way but that doesn't mean that I don't like the way he makes me feel.
"Amy loves you and to Amy you're her father." I say.
"She's only 4 and it's not too late to do the right thing Amelia." He says and unwraps my arms from his waist. "I'm only gonna stay in your life if you show me that you really want me."
"I don't need to marry you or have your child to prove that I love you." I frown.
"No but it'll make it harder for you to leave me." He says but it already is. I would never leave him and I get angry now because he makes so unreasonable demands.
"I stand here crying begging you to stay." I frown. "Isn't that enough prove to you?"
"You screwed another man over for him, what do you expect me to believe?" He frowns and disappointment comes over me.
"I can't believe that you just used that against me."
"I'm sorry, I.."
"I have a daughter that adores you and loves you, I would never make any stupid decision that could break her heart!" I say. I don't want my little girl to get hurt and he'll hurt her by leaving.
"Amelia.."
"I don't care that you break my heart but don't you dare break Amy's!" I cry and push him back by his chest.
"I'm not Amelia!" He raises his voice. "How could you possibly think that I'd ever do that?" He frowns.
"You're leaving us! What do you expect me to think?!" I ask. He's walking out on us and it's gonna crush Amy.
"I'm leaving you, not Amy!" He says strictly. "I'm leaving you because of your damn stubbornness and your lack of willing to try to make me feel safe."
"It ain't my fault that you ain't trusting me." I cross my arms over my chest.
"I did before I noticed how you looked at him today." He says.
"Ken.."
"No Amelia, I'm done." He says and walks out of the bedroom. I don't even follow him, I just sit down on my bed feeling so damn empty.