London

4 - "You're so sweet."

Harry

If only I had checked my phone before we took the train and I got full of myself talking about future plans. It had felt good to talk to her about it, explain to Alex what I'd really want for us to happen here. And it momentarily blinded me from the real issue of bringing Alex to work. That issue not being Pascal who I know doesn't like Alex as she's friends with Liam who he absolutely hates. Even I can't disagree on the 'why' he hates Liam and it might be something we share. 

Still, I shouldn't have let out of the sight if Susie had answered my text if she'd be at this party. We met there and I know she rarely skips one, but I had high hopes for her to not come out of respect to Alex. Maybe I should have known better as she might still be hurt for me leaving her so abruptly. But I was enjoying my time with Alex. Seeing her happy because I was nice to her was somewhat upsetting, but most of all lovely. 

When Susie had interrupted us I wished I had superpowers and could stop time or teleport us somewhere else. I shouldn't have let my guard down and maybe given Alex some kind of warning, but she could have known. All the people I met while I lived in London were cliënts I met at the shop. If only she'd able to listen to me when I talk of that time, then she would have known. But our history is something she can't talk about. Not that I like hearing her talk about her past, but I am too curious not to know. But then again, talking about the future is also something that is difficult for her. I could tell when I asked her about the places where she applied for work. Pascal words got to her, but he's a dick, I know that. 

Maybe part of me wanted to see Alex meet someone of my past too, although Susie is also part of the present. That's why it had shocked me to see them together. At first I had hopes that Alex would behave, but that hope soon faded when she dropped her glass and fell apart with it. I had forgotten how much it hurts to watch her like that. To see the panic in her frantic eyes that can't hold contact for longer than a second. How her chest goes up and down much too fast and her small hands grab for whatever she can get her hands on, mostly her clothes. 

Should I have done something different? I can't help but wonder as I watch her sleep, peace finally returned to her body. Should I have gotten upset with Pascal for the way he dragged her out? Should I have gone after her and Pascal instead of telling Susie quick that Alex doesn't know? Probably. 

For some reason I can't seem to move myself from the bed. It is already nine and Pascal is trying to call me, but I put my phone on silent and keep watching her. Through it all, I always know one thing for sure and that is that I love Alex. Out of all the girls I have ever been with, she's the one I wished I had taken to meet my parents. Who would be able to stand by my side instead of please them. Who understands my love-hate relationship like no one else does. But for some reason I didn't think she thought the same about it. That she wishes she could meet them. Thinking about her in my family home is surreal especially because I know where she comes from. Their entire apartment is the size of our livingroom. But there's a reason why she asked that question and why Susie's answer made her panic. 

To see her like that also surprised me because I had thought she was over the panic attacks now that we're back together. Apparently that doesn't make a difference for her. 

Alex moves lightly in her sleep when I get another incoming text from Pascal. 

Pascal: I think in a way I blame her for Liam coming back 
and breaking up me and Nina. I wish she stayed there with Liam. 
I wish they were together instead of the two of you. 
I'm sorry bro but for now I can't have her around. 
I'd only be a dick to her. Also she is out of control 
and we can't have that behaviour here.