London

50 - "You think it will happen today?"

Harry

For days it feels as if I have done nothing else but cry. Maybe my emotions have been buckled up for too long and I need to release them all in once, or maybe the reality of it all finally hits me. Whenever I see my mother frown or my sister stare at her too long, almost standing up when her breathing stops for a second- it are all moments in which I let my tears fall. Sometimes silently and something in such an extreme way that I need to leave the house. 

My sister and I were right to think that after the barbeque she'd quickly lose her battle. After only two days we reached a point in which it has become clear that she'll die this week. She can't swallow and that means that she's no longer eating or drinking. Her body is dehydrating fast and I have reached a point in which I can no longer take care of her. It pains me to see her so thin and her skin so translucent. 

"I think it is time to give her some rest," the doctor tells me as we sit down in the living. 

"She's not going to let go as long as she's awake. And right now she's not in comfort. Not like we want her to be," Abby explains further. "If we help her sleep it won't fasten anything. Especially as she is no longer able to drink. It will only give her the rest she deserves."

"Did you talk to her about this?" Liz asks me and I nod. "And, what did she say about it then?"

"I think she knows it is better. It is why she wanted everyone to come last Friday. Because she wanted to be present for her goodbye."

"I'll talk to her," the doctor stands up and Liz walks with him to the bedroom where my mother is resting. 

She's awake for most of the time although unable to really communicate. They're right to help her sleep, but it is not a moment I want to witness. 

"Are you okay with it?" Abby asks and she comes to sit next to me. 

"Sure," I shrug, pushing my hands over my cheeks to wipe them dry for the hundredth time. "I just want it to end."

"You know that I'm here for you as well, right?"

She has told me that a lot these past days. I know she's more than ready to hear me speak, but I don't want to talk. Not to anyone. I just want to forget, get through this week and then move on for good. Better my life or some shit. Do everything possible to never feel so bad about someone or so low about myself.

"I'm not sure if I want to be there when they put her to sleep."

"Then you can go to my place. My brother is there."

I don't answer her but stand up to join my sister and mother. My sister is crying again, but she has surprised me in her strength these last days. 

"She's okay with it," she whispers. "I'll go ask Abby when she can do it."

"I'm not sure if I want to stay," I tell her and she rolls her eyes. "I might go out to meet Joe for a drink."

"She won't die immediately," Liz says.

"I know that, and I intend to be there when she does die. But I don't want to be there when she's last awake, or looks at us for the last time."

"Okay, whatever suits you, I guess. So it is not that Ben is coming over?"

"I had forgotten about that," I tell her in all honesty. "I'll see him later, promise."

"Sure, go have fun, then let me have fun with my husband, okay?"

"Gross, not like that," I try to say, but Liz laughs, making my mother look up. 

Her eyes look like Alex's do sometimes. Panic, fear and every bad emotion trapped in them. She must be scared and what am I going to do? Get drunk? Or what are my plans exaclty? I can't leave my mother, not now that she finally needs me. So I sit down next to her and take her hand in mine. If there's one thing that I know that Alex likes me to do to make her feel calm and centered then it is to touch her. Draw circles on whatever part of exposed skin I can find.