London

42 - "I dream of her, and they aren't pleasant once."

Harry

"They want me to talk to you," I tell Ellie, feeling uncomfortable to even touch the subject of death now that she has beaten the odds again. 

"About what?"

"If things get too hard you want to be put to sleep."

"Like a dog?" She asks, disgust clear in her voice.

"No, not to die, it is not to shorten your life. Anyway, I think you should talk about it with the doctor. He can explain it better than I can."

"What do you think?" She asks after a short silence, taking me by surprise.

"About what?"

"About the sleeping thing."

"I know it to be better. At least I'd know for sure you're not suffering."

"But you'd had to watch me, die slowly."

"Isn't that what I'm doing right now?" I counter back, shifting in my seat. We haven't really talked about this all yet, and part of me was hoping to put it off inequality, but seeing her suffer through her fever, I don't want that again. Her body is tired, and as long as she feels the needs to be here for me, she won't pass. Maybe if she'll get a little bit of help, she'll be able to let go. She deserves to.

"You're right. I'll talk to the doctor."

"Have you talked to Liz lately? Or anyone else?" I wonder and she shakes her head.

"Is this the moment where we're going to discuss who I want to say goodbye too?"

"Ellie," I say, addressing her by her name in hopes she'll listen. "I think this is the time. Or do you want her here when you're covered in sweat and can't speak anymore?"

"Of course not," she says, thinking it over. "I'll talk to Abby about it."

"Whatever," I tell her, standing up from my seat near her bed. "I'm going out."

"Out?" 

"Yes, out, if that's okay," I add, praying that she won't mind. 

"Sure," she says. "Where are you going?"

"A wine bar with Abby and some of her friends."

"Okay, enjoy yourselves. I believe Barbara is stopping by later."

"She is, and Abby will be here in the morning."

"Good, have a fun evening, Harry."

I walk away, glad she isn't addressing the fact that I'm going out with someone of the opposite sex. It isn't a date, it is only to get me to relax and so far all Abby's idea's have worked fine. It works better than simply staying at home, watching mother sleep and then falling asleep for a few hours until I wake up again by Alex's screams. 

A few hours later I find myself in the rosy comfort of a terrace heater and a wine arrangement that has come to an end. Abby's brother, Joe, and her boyfriend Dean joined us later on and it is nice to spend time with people who don't know me. There's no judgement.

Abby has leaned back, propped her feet up on another seat and closes her eyes. Tonight we talked more about marriage and Maxime and I'm surprised how open she talks about it even with her boyfriend close. I'm not used to such honesty and it shows me that I handled everything with Alex so wrong. I kept secrets and I always have from the moment we met. It's why she doesn't trust me. 

The openness Abby shows me helps me and slowly I feel myself open up about my relationship with my family and my ex to who she refers to as the one with great skin. Alex would find that hilarious, and I do too, because Abby has great skin herself. Maybe that has to do with being comfortable in your skin that it shines through and I haven't seen Alex as comfortable and relax as Abby is right now for a long time.