London

18 - "Harry, your pants!"

Alex

My body aches from the fall, every muscle mocking me for my own mistakes. Thinking back to it makes me blush, but I need to talk about it with someone and who else then the person who was there to witness it.

This morning when we woke up and Harry had to leave for work, I told him I was going back to apologize to Logan.

"Why? What did you do to him? He should apologize to you for shoving you," he said and I rolled my eyes.

"He was trying to help me," I countered back, not sure where the sudden need to defend Logan came from.

"He's a weird kid. I thought you agreed on that."

"Doesn't mean I should just ignore him."

Maybe Harry didn't care enough to really question why I want to see him, but he kept quiet after that. I got one tiny kiss on my lips before he left and that was it. No talk about yesterday. How he had assumed I only called him to persuade him to get home. That I shouldn't worry about his work although there were people with history there, which before didn't even cross my mind. 

Then how he tried to make things up to me for that behaviour with either his hands, mouth or dick. It's the only way he knows how and it had felt empty and alone even when he was close to me. Everytime my cast hit his back it was a reminder of what a failure I am, to him and to the world. So I stopped him and it is the first time that I ever had to tell anyone. It only fucked things up as I was suddenly the one to apologize. He didn't make that easy though and I understand why he reacted the way he did although it was tough. 

I had been searching for alcohol before he came home and I suddenly remembered where he keeps his booze and I almost jumped out of bed to only get a sip in my system. Awful and I wonder if he noticed. He tried to find out I think and it made me lock myself in the bathroom. The failure I am. And Instead of comforting me, I had to cuddle him for us to fall asleep.

It's a mess, I realize on my way to Liam's flat. He's at work today so I'll have to do without my best friends support. Nerves spark at every bump in the road, every bus stop and every new face that looks my way. Afraid that people will see how stupid I am. How once again I let alcohol ruin something good- this time my job. For me it is only showing me that I was right and that I shouldn't drink, but that those gulps last night were the only reason that I could muster the strength to be close to Harry. It's all so twisted that I don't know a way out of it. It's something I started myself and now I don't see how I can end it.

My heartbeat is probably still too high when I enter the pub. I haven't even officially resigned yet so I hope I can do that today. It isn't busy inside as lunch hour is over and everyone is back to school or work. Only a few people are sitting behind their laptops, a cup of coffee or thea next to them. Much to the pleasure of Logan who uses this time to read and keep up to date.

"Hey," I announce my presences from the other side of the bar. Sitting down, I take the menu in my hands just to have something to fidget with.

"Hello," he says, dropping his magazine and putting it behind his back. "Want something to drink?"

"Water."

He goes to work and places a cold glass of water in front of me, a soft smile playing around his lips. "From the house."

"Thank you."

"So it is broken then?" He asks, looking to my cast. "Looks gnarly."

"It is, but it's much better now that this thing is around it."

This morning as I was trying to put on my coat I thought something completely different and wanted to chop off my arm, but as long as it is in the sling it is okay.