London

46 - "Harry's texting me."

Alex

The steps doctor Collins gave me are suffocating me to the max. I was doing fine before, and even managed to have a rhythm and goal for every day. If I didn't feel like doing something, Liam would help me and eventually I would be able to do it alone. But that were all small tasks, like cleaning my room, or going for a walk. This finding out about my heritage and potentially talking to a criminal is so much bigger. And what do I want to know?

It's true that since I started therapy, and before that as well, I have been curious about my mother. Wishing she was still around so that I could ask her if she experienced things the same way, and find out what she did about it so I at least knew what not to do with my life. The possibility of talking to someone about her never crossed my mind. My family on that side is partly a mystery. I only know my grandmother that passed away shortly after my mother left us. I don't know anything about aunts, uncles or cousins, and I don't want to know about them. 

Still, it is tempting to talk to Rob. He's the only one I sort of know that has spent all his time with her from the moment she stepped foot out of our home. He cared for her, and he was kind enough to call me himself and give me a short explanation of what happened to her. If he was able to call me, I must be able to get in touch with him some way.

But even then, what do I ask? It's a question that runs through my mind for the rest of the week. Making me feel off and worrying Liam. He doesn't say much, but I can tell that another downfall on my behalf would maybe be the end of his patience. He might not be able to pull me through another hard period, and I don't blame him. I'm a mess even when I'm at my best so I try to continue with my life as it is.

That also means trying to make something of my social life so instead of going to Manchester, Thomas agreed coming to London. He's hinting towards a meeting that has to do with the heatwave, saying it would be a shame to spend our time in a city. I agree, but am not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Doubts should be enough to stop so I'm not quite sure why I simply don't.

"What's on your mind?" Liam asks as he sits down next to me in the kitchen.

"Thomas, I think he wants to take me on a date."

"A date?" Liam wonders. "So you are trying things again then?"

"No, we're going on a 'date', Liam," I answer using quotation marks. "We're definitely not trying things again. It's only a meeting. I want to take things slow."

"Let's see how long that will last," Liam says. I know he's dying to ask where that leaves me and Harry, but he keeps his mouth shut. Which is good because I don't have a clue. "Do you need to eat? There's some left. We weren't sure if you'd eat with us."

"I'm just going to take a shower and call it an early night," I tell him, not mentioning that I haven't eaten anything since lunch.

"It is a Saturday and me and Nina are both free tomorrow. We were thinking of going out. Want to join us?"

"Just the two of you? I don't like third wheeling," I say, but Liam shakes his head indicating that I shouldn't even worry about that. It makes me doubt. A good night out might help me keep my mind of things.

"No, some friends of Nina are coming along as well. I think you'd have fun."

"Well, maybe. Where would we go?"

"Somewhere other than this shithole. Come on, Lee. We haven't had a proper good night out in forever. Please come with? I wouldn't have fun without you," Liam says, begging me with his eyes.

"Liam doesn't like my friends," Nina says, entering the kitchen.

"That's not it," Liam interrupts, standing up to prove a point. "I miss Palas for fuck's sake. I just want a good night out and I have that if Alex is there. Do you have a problem with that?"