London

49 - "Let's not provoke Liam."

Alex

"You love me, still?"

Thomas looks at me and I can tell that he didn't really plan on telling me this way.

"Well, yes, I do. I thought I had finally stopped, but then I couldn't stop thinking about you and why you never answered me on New Years and I thought that maybe it was because you like me still too."

"I don't know."

"I know you don't know what you want, but all I need to know if you still care about me."

"I do," I admit, and it is not hard to say it out loud. He knows, everyone knows.

He looks at me and a smile starts to play around his lips. For a split second I think he's going to kiss me and I feel myself lean in instead of backing away like I thought I would do, but he doesn't kiss me. He simply looks at me, not pushing me to do anything and it pisses me off.

"Why don't you ever push me? Why do you always let things hang from what I want instead of what you want?"

"Because you've been hurt by someone you claimed pushed you in everything you did and I don't want to be him. All I have ever tried is not to hurt you like he did."

"You did hurt me when you left me after only one panic attack. If you would have stayed then- If you would have had the balls to take care of me even when I was in pain over someone else, things would have been very different."

"You think we'd still be together?"

"Yes!" I say a bit too loud, as if he's only realizing that now. "I had absolutely no intention of leaving you. We were planning on going back to Manchester. I was going to live with you there. Me freaking out over a magazine cover didn't mean that I didn't love you."

"I know I shouldn't have left like I did. You know that's why I returned. To make sure you were alright."

"And you think I was? You think I was alright in that back alley kissing Zayn? You think I was alright when I walked back in and found you with Sandra? You escaped every moment you had a chance to fight for me, and instead you always wait for me to make a move."

"I don't want to scare you away. I don't want to lose you again," he whispers and I shake my head.

"Sometimes you have to take a chance. If you'll always play it safe, your life won't change much. And I get that it is scary to maybe lose people, I'm fucking scared of it too, but there is no point of running back to me because you're single again if you're not willing to fight."

"I'm not going to battle with Harry," he then says, and he sounds cold again, like he always does when he speaks about him.

"Why are you so scared of him after I told you what he did and put me through?"

"I'm not."

"You are. You're scared of something."

"I just told you. I'm scared of losing you. To him, to a disease, to whatever."

"And with you last girlfriend, did you step in to the relationship that scared as well?"

"Not as.. but yeah, I always fear it. There's a reason that I'm still traveling the world. Losing my mother fucked me up, but in a different way than it did to you, but with you.. you were the first person ever to give me reason to commit to something. To you, to Palas, to whatever place next. And I haven't found anyone else who's worthy of that. So I don't want to fuck things up now that I maybe finally stand a chance by pushing you, because I know how scared you are of commitment- of looking further than the next day."