London

53 - "Bye mum."

Harry

Manchester quickly doesn't turn out to be the city for me. I know that much after only spending a few days there. It has nothing to do with the people, the food, shops or architecture. It has everything to do with me and the fact that I don't feel my own person there. I've always had a thing for breaking free. It's what pushed me away from my family in the first place and living with my sister is making me consider taking the same risk I took all those years ago when I left home to live in Palas. 

Maybe I'm meant to wander the world and not attach to people. Certainly because I always end up hurting them, and I doubt if anyone will love me when they know the whole truth about me. Alex cares about me, I know that because she calls every night to talk me to sleep, but I know that she'll never be able to love me like she did. I fucked shit up too much. And the fucked up thing is that I need her calls like a drug to get through the day. The one thing I can look forward to because the rest of the day is filled with nothing.

There's nothing to do. No dishes, no medicine that I need to get, I don't need to help my mother turn in her bed, there isn't even laundry to do because my sister has a cleaning lady and all. Their apartment has enough entertainment for a day, but after three days of staying inside I don't get how my sister has been able to live here for years although this is of course her home now.

I don't have my own space here, there is nothing to do, and all women look like Barbie dolls. Or maybe that is just my imagination that adds it to the things I don't like about Manchester. All I know is, is that there is no other place to go. I don't have friends left that will take me in their houses and I don't have a job that might help me. Manchester it is for now, and maybe that's why I feel a little bit of happiness at the thought of going back to Cambridge for my mother's funeral. That and the prospect of seeing Alex. It helps me cope with the looming fact that after today my mother is really no longer amongst us.

"Isn't it weird that she's no longer here? I'm so used to not seeing her so much that it hasn't hit me yet, I think," Liz says as she drives us to Cambridge. Her husband in the passenger seat and I in the back like a child.

I only hum, not feeling the need to have a full on conversation. Instead I plug in my earphones and listen to some music as we complete our trip to Cambridge. That way I know for sure that my sister isn't going to reminisce or make me cry on a day that will be emotional for many reasons.

We arrive early and make our way into the funeral home where the service will be. Since my mother doesn't believe in a God she choose this place instead of a church and I'm all for it. It is supposed to be quick and luckily I don't have to speak. I sort of liked doing it at Alex's father's funeral because it felt like a last honor to him, and I know Alex appreciated it. I know that my mother wouldn't, this all is her wish. She wants me to move on. That's why she set up a fund and is trying to give me some purpose. As if she knew that I'd be without any direction by now.

No one else has seem to arrive yet so my sister and I wait outside the venue. After a few minutes of simply standing in the front yard, the lady from the home steps outside. Dressed in a black two piece she looks in proper mourning. The three of us look like we could be attending a wedding instead of a funeral. It makes me look down to my white button up and dress pants, but it is hot and this already feels like too much.

"Hello you three," she says with a cheery voice, "welcome. You are more than welcome to wait inside if you wish. There's also still the possibility of seeing your mother before we close the coffin."

Liz looks to me briefly and I know she wants to do it, but I don't feel like it so I shake my head.

"We will," my sister says, "my brother won't."