London

17 - "Now tell me again that you're fine."

Alex

A few hours later, a lot of tears later and too much cursing later, I think Liam must have never broken anything. Because traveling to the hospital, taking the x-ray while they order you to lay your arm in different positions that are downright impossible, then having them make a cast over the now swollen wrist does not hurt a bit- it hurts a fucking lot.

"Are you okay?" Liam asks as I exit the hospital. 

He left after the doctor told me that my wrist is indeed broken, but it's a clean fracture and therefore will heal on its own without any surgery. The misery, shame and nerves that entered my body when I heard the verdict were insane and too much to handle with his eyes on me. He of course stayed outside, the good friend he is.

"Fine enough," I tell him waving the cast around. Now that it is on, it sure as hell doesn't hurt as much. "I have to come back in a week for a new x-ray and a different cast. This one is heavy."

"I can sign it though," he says and I let out a fake laugh.

"Ha ha. There is nothing remotely funny about this."

"Well, you broke your hand-

"Wrist," I correct him.

"Wrist while falling down. You can't tap beers for shit now."

"I didn't just fall down," I admit to Liam. "And I quit my job already."

"What?" Liam asks, stopping our trip back to the bus. "What do you mean?"

"I got a panic attack and Logan wanted me to calm down and it sort of backfired. He wouldn't let me go so I pushed him out of the way and he didn't let me so I fell backwards."

"Oh my God.. did he push you?"

"No, he was just stronger than I thought. It was a reaction I think. He of course only meant well. Shit Liam.. I don't even really know why it happened, but it is my second one since I'm back and it only has been a month or so. Something is wrong with me." Liam keeps quiet and looks past me. "What?" I ask him.

"I don't know. What made you freak out in the first place?"

"That he didn't let me go and started to asks these questions. Trying to get to the bottom of it all and I don't want to."

"And why did you quit then? Because of him?"

"No, no," I tell him shaking my head. "It just didn't feel right. And I couldn't stop thinking about alcohol."

"I honestly don't get why you are making this such a big deal," says Liam, and I'm not sure what he means. "It's not as if you were an alcoholic, drinking all day long. Why is this so important for you? You won't fail if you drink a beer during your shift."

"I want to better my life, Liam. It's just something I can't quite explain and it has to do with a lot of things, but most of all what I do when I'm drunk. And I never drank as much before I moved to Palas. I was practically a saint then. I want to go back to who I was then."

"But you can't go back, too much has happened, Lex. You can't just stop drinking hoping it will change everything. If there's things you don't like about yourself than you should fix that, not hope stopping alcohol will change it all because it won't."

He looks at me with a stern expression. His words are true and smart, making me think about my motives, but I do feel like the only way to move forward is to make some changes and not drinking is a big part of that.

"I don't know. All I know is that I'm not happy. Not as happy as I should be considering where I am in my life."

"Is it Harry?"