London

56 - "Did she love me?"

Alex

"Thank you," I mumble, feeling very uncomfortable. 

Panic rises in a rapid speed as I think through what we just discussed. Am I doing the right thing by letting him back in my life? It has been two months since everything escalated and in those months I knew it was best to be apart, but I also couldn't let him go. I know it was the same for Harry, that's why he's now asking permission to stay in my life because he sees that I'm doing well. But I want to keep doing well, and history has proven that in the end our relationship always turns sour. 

"I'm not going to stalk you," Harry says, frowning as he sees my brain working overtime. "All I'm asking is a chance. Maybe be friends."

"Three times a charm, right?"

"I'm hoping it is," he says and there seems to be no doubt for him.

"I'm just a bit scared to let you back in to my life, no matter what form," I admit to him, and I feel proud for telling the truth and letting him in on the marathon my brain is currently making.

"Just think about it, or talk about it with your therapist or Liam. I'm guessing he also plays a large part in your recovery. The way he took care of you after you ended up in the hospital is admirable. I wasn't capable of it."

"He's my best friend. We're there for each other when needed, but I have to say that he hates you." 

"I figured as much," Harry says with a shrug. "But look at us, we're able to talk. Maybe if he and I talk he's willing to give me a chance as well."

"Don't get your hopes up," I laugh. 

"I guess we'll see. I have to go now though, or I'll miss my train. Brighton is waiting for me."

After a small discussion we decide to just pay half each. Harry has his fund and he has always been the better saver of us too, but I know that money must be tight for him as well after not having a proper job for a while now. As where I don't have any money at all left after this month. It is a scary thought and I'll have to make a decision on that quick. Slowly all my old worries are coming back in to my life, money, work, Harry, and somehow I'm still standing. I guess it is a victory partly because of Doctor Collins and Liam, but I know that the biggest part of it is played by myself. It makes me proud even when there is so much that still needs to be done. 

Harry and I walk back to the train station where he'll continue his journey to Brighton so that he can go back to his passion of tattooing and figure out what he wants to do with the money his mother left him. It's a luxury I don't have because I said no to his mother's money. I don't regret it and I know it was the right thing to do, but I do envy him a bit. Which is crazy of course, because the reason he gets to do this is incredible sad. Although Harry seems to do extraordinary well considering his mother didn't die that long ago. When we stop by his train that will leave in a few minutes I decide to ask him.

"Are you really okay after everything? Because I'm not fragile, I can take it is you are sad."

"I know you're not fragile. The very fact that you stood by me on her funeral told me as much. But I'm doing okay," he shrugs. "Better than I had thought. Only two weeks ago I was crying in the middle of the street."

"When?" I wonder, feeling pain rise on his behalf. 

"I don't know precisely. It was after they helped her sleep with this IV, and I simply couldn't take it no more. I went out of the house and Abby followed me, and I fought her. I just realized that there was nothing left. My job, you... everything was gone."

"I was never gone," I whisper, but I do feel guilty. 

"You were off sleeping with Thomas," he tells me and that completes the guilt for me.