London

39 - "I don't believe I'm cut out for children."

Harry

"Bye Harry," her voice says, but it doesn't sound like Alex. She sounds straightforward, not even bothering to ask what is going on, and she ends the call without waiting for an answer. 

For a moment I just listen to the silence of the garden, barely hearing the crippling of the lake or the birds singing their songs in the trees above me. 

She's finished with me. I feel like ripping out my insides, most of all picking out my brain for being so stupid to return to Susie. Susie who now is happy with Joseph. Joseph who is probably the most in demand artist now. And I'm here, in this godforsaken place without a proper job, without the woman I love and with a dying mother who couldn't even speak today. I fucked up, but I can't help but wonder why I even went back to Susie in the first place. Why didn't I just believed me and Alex were going to be alright? 

Everything happened too quick. It would have been better if she'd stayed in Palas a little while longer. Have her settled down in London in her own place. But I can't deny that even so, Susie would still be in the picture and that wrecked everything. We could have survived Alex's anxiety and my pain over my family, but not with me leaving out a huge detail that is Susie. 

I love Alex plenty and from the moment we got together I also knew that I'd never find anyone like her. It is why I never quite got over her. Always this longing feeling towards her, even after years apart. But maybe that's how it is supposed to feel when you lose your first, real love and you're just supposed to let it bleed out instead of trying to rekindle it like we did. Maybe you need even more time than three years to get over each other, although I hope it won't take me this long this time around. I don't think I can go from girl to girl again, never feeling completely at ease with them. 

But I guess that is my future now, and I brought it upon myself. Alex will pack the rest of my clothes and belongings and I'll stay here for as long as needed. We'll meet one last time, but I have a feeling we both will put that off as long as possible, my mother probably right about us meeting once she's dead.

There were multiple moments today where I thought she might pass any second. Her breathing shallow and quick, but Abby gave her a different kind of painkiller and she seems to react to it. It only makes her a bit drowsy and I wonder if she'll be able to get outside again. 

After a few more minutes the sun sets and it becomes too cold to be outside without a jacket. Not feeling the need to look out over the lake in the depressed mood I'm in, I move myself inside where it is a sauna for my mother's sake. She's sitting upright in bed, leaning against the headboard, her eyes closed.

"Harry," she mumbles, her voice thin and weak, just like her body. 

"I'm here," I tell her, taking my usual spot on the chair next to the door. "Alex picked up," I continue, to distract her from whatever she's feeling. "I gave up the rent and she's okay with it."

"How did she sound?" 

"Almost as if she's ending a job."

"I can imagine you were one to her," she says, opening one eye, the humor clear on her face. "She's probably protecting herself. She choose you, Harry and it was never her choice to end it like this. She must still have feelings for you."

"Might be, but I don't stand a chance. I don't deserve her anyway."

"You deserve her and she deserves you, Harry. You both deserve to be happy, but you weren't with each other."

"Whatever," I say, waving with my hand to stop her talking about this. "Is Abby coming later?"

"No, I'm fine. No one needs to tuck me in."